All Men Are Afraid in Battle
by evening spirit
Summary: Severide deals with a serious illness and Dawsey are expecting a baby (but under different circumstances than on the show, because I started writing it around 3x16). Nothing is how you'd presume. Lots of angst. The story focuses on Sevasey friendship, as they try to help each other through tough times (oh, let's be honest – it's mostly Matt helping Kelly ;) *COMPLETE*
1. Academy Dinner

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** I don't know what I'm doing. I mean I know what this story is going to be about, I have it plotted out and I know it's going to be painful and there's going to be all kinds of trouble for the main characters, and – despite what the first chapter suggests – it's going to be Severide-centric. It's mostly going to focus on his and Casey's friendship, but it will also include some trouble for Casey and Dawson and other Severide friendships – namely that with April Sexton and Erin Lindsay (not with Scott Rice) – because he's going to need all his friends if he's going to survive what I have in store for him.

What I meant by "I don't know what I'm doing" is that I don't know if I really should delve into yet another fandom. And if this fandom really likes Severide hurt (lots of hurt) / comfort, or is it just me?

So. This may be just an experiment. *shrug*

_**ETA:** As you can see, the story is being continued. I'll try my best to see it through to the (happy) end. If you enjoy, please, keep leaving notes. :)_

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. I borrowed them and I broke them. I'll try to return them fixed

* * *

**Chapter One  
Academy Dinner**

* * *

Fancy dinners were not one of Matthew Casey's favorite activities. Being forced to dress up nicely and parade in front of all other nicely dressed people made him feel self-conscious and he always, always developed some unfortunate itch in the most inappropriate moments. The collar would be too stiff, the cuffs too tight or the belt – the belt! – would suddenly become constricted in the middle of the dinner.

Kelly Severide was much better with formal activities. He actually rocked that suit, Matthew thought with a tinge of petty, teenager-like envy as he watched his friend and roommate check himself in the mirror. Katie Nolan, Severide's sister whom he invited to come with him to the Academy Dinner this year, fixed his tie and glared at her brother with such admiration that Matthew thought she must have regretted being related to him. Or maybe not. Maybe she was simply proud. Matt smiled to himself, half nostalgic about his own sister, half happy for his friend. If anyone deserved some happiness in their lives it was Kelly and Katie obviously made him happy.

She looked good. Kelly had commented on it the other day. She seemed to have moved on after the assault, moved to New York after a couple of months spent in Colorado, recuperating, and now together with some friend of hers she was running a restaurant in Brooklyn. Kelly was obviously relieved; Matt knew that he had carried a lot of guilt for what had befallen his little sister.

"You ready, or what?" Kelly's cheerful voice brought Matt back to reality.

"Yeah, sure, let's go."

"What's the address of your bae again?" Kelly joked. He was merciless in teasing Matt about his conquests ever since he and Gabby split up. One evening, when they'd had five too many beers he had even confessed that he'd thought Matt and Gabby never should have broken things off and offered to set up a blind date for them or something, so they would come to their senses. Matt had retorted that it wouldn't have been a blind date if he knew about it, now would it? Kelly had promised then that he would keep it a secret. He had been drunk out of his ass. At least now he promised he wouldn't be drinking, instead he served as their chauffeur.

And Matthew was going to the ball with a beautiful Cassandra Mendez. A petite girl with dark hair, dark eyes and a dazzling smile.

A girl that looked way too much like Gabriela Dawson for it to be healthy, as Matthew realized seeing his date shake hands with Gabby in the hall at the Academy.

* * *

Gabby Dawson was in love and no amount of eye-rolling from Sylvie was going to change that. Arthur was charming and easy-going but responsible, sensitive under a strict demeanor of a bodyguard of one of Chicago aldermen. He was tall and lanky, his built didn't betray the undeniable strength underneath and his dark hair and green eyes woke each and every one of Gabby's protective instincts. And if Sylvie claimed that the man could be Matthew Casey's clone – character wise – Gabby readily retorted that at least he looked nothing like Matthew, contrary to Matthew's flame.

"Ouch." Sylvie crinkled her nose. "Flame? Someone might think that you're jealous."

"Are you sure you want to go there with me?"

"Hey, I said 'someone'. Not me, I do not think that! Just... saying. Ignore me."

Gabby wasn't jealous. She simply did not like this Cassandra character.

* * *

"Would you pass me the salad?" Cassandra's voice was strangely curt and cold all evening. She barely spoke to Matt at all, and when she did it was all formal. "No, not this one, you know I'm allergic to tomatoes."

"I'm sorry." Matt reached for a bowl handed to him by Gabby's date. Andrew? He couldn't remember the guy's name but he was so damn nice Matt wanted to punch him.

The dinner was turning into a disaster. Even Severide looked uncomfortable, but for entirely different reason – Scott Rice was grilling him all evening.

"You should have brought April, is all I'm saying."

"How many times do I have to tell you, me and April are friends." He threw a napkin next to his plate. "I don't want to ruin it by some ambiguous invitations." He unbuttoned his right cuff and scratched the inside of his wrist and Matt suddenly felt that his own sleeves were too tight and uncomfortable and how strange that Kelly perfect Severide had the same reaction to distress as he did. Matt chuckled into his steak.

"At least you're enjoying yourself," Cassandra muttered.

"You know." Matt suddenly turned to her. "I think we need to talk..." he waved his finger and looked around. Everyone at the table fell silent and they were staring at him. He felt an itch between his shoulder blades and wondered what would make Severide feel that as well. "Outside." He finished and pushed away from the table not waiting for Cassandra's acquiescence.

* * *

Arthur was sweet. And charming. And nice.

And clingy...

Too clingy – when they were slow-dancing after dinner, he kept entwining himself around Gabby and pressing into her and... He was suffocating her.

"I need some air." She pushed away from him, full arms length. "Let's go to the balcony."

"Oh, I'm making you hot, don'I?" Arthur slung his arm around hers and snuggled closer pressing his nose into her ear and twirling.

Gabby felt creeps crawl up her spine and she jumped away with a squeal.

Arthur grinned.

This was not the reaction she wanted from him. She wanted him to give her some damn space.

"You know, I think we need to slow down," she said putting both her palms up in a gesture that wasn't meant to be defensive, but kind of came off that way.

Arthur's smile vanished and he furrowed his brow. "Is it because of that guy?" he seethed through suddenly tense lips.

"What guy?" Gabby breathed out. Maybe she shouldn't have pretended she didn't know what he was talking about, but she wasn't ready to face plain truth yet.

"That fireman?" Arthur clarified.

Not enough, considering. "They are all fireman here!"

"The blond one, don't play stupid with me!"

Now that was like a slap to the face. The insult being truth didn't make it any less stingy and Gabby's latina blood boiled.

"What? I-"

Arthur was on a roll though and he didn't even let her complete the sentence.

" I saw how he looked at you, and his girlfriend could be your carbon-copy!" he yelled.

"Are you out of your-"

"Is he your ex?" he prompted, still too loud for Gabby's liking.

"Wha-"

"I bet he's your ex and that you're still pining for him! And he's pining for you for all I can see! You know what, I'm tired of being someone's replacement token for you!"

Arthur turned around and stormed through the room full of people, some of which heard their heated argument and were now staring at Gabby. She didn't need him to make her a center of attention! And he didn't even let her defend herself.

Gabriela Dawson, her blood still rushing in her veins, turned as well – in the opposite direction – and pushed open the door to the balcony.

Yes, she was too hot, yes, she needed to cool down.

Unfortunately she wasn't meant to. Because there, on the balcony, leaning against the railing, she saw a familiar figure of Matthew Casey.

She strode toward him, her high heels tapping the tiles with each angry step.

"It's all your fault!" She smacked Casey in the arm just as he was turning around to see who approached him.

His eyebrows, lifted in question, quickly lowered in fury matching hers.

"My fault? It's my fault? You're the one parading a bodyguard in front of everyone, while you can't stop from staring at me and my girlfriend."

"Yeah? Because why does your girlfriend look exactly like me?"

"Maybe I have a type, what's wrong with that?"

"So I was only a type for you? Like, all that matters for you is how a girl looks?"

"I never said that!"

"You're just like all the men! All that counts is a body, you don't care about a character, or... or... I hope she knows that, your girlfriend!" At least Matt let her shout out all her rage. "Where is she anyway? I'll tell her myself."

"You won't find her. She left. Because of you! Because you couldn't stop from glaring at her like she was some specimen in a zoo!" Matt waved his arms, letting out a lot of steam as well. They were like mirrors of each other, both angry, both dating people that reminded them of the other.

Both, apparently abandoned by said people.

"Did she break up with you?" Gabby asked under her breath.

"No!" Matt shook his head. Then pouted and corrected himself. "Yes. And where is your... bodyguard?"

"Well... he... Broke up with me."

"Did he?" Matt looked at Gabby with a different fire in his eyes and bit his lower lip.

And before she knew what she was doing, Gabriela closed the distance between them and kissed him like she hadn't kissed anyone in over two months.

* * *

t.b.c.


	2. Better Forgotten

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Guys. Wow. That's... I think that's the warmest welcome I've ever had and I've been writing fanfiction regularly for almost ten years now. THANK YOU! Thank you so much for all the reviews, they were so encouraging. Yeah, looks like I have no choice but to continue with this story (especially as it wouldn't leave me alone, lol). I hope you like what I prepared for those characters next... Just a warning - it won't be happy.

* * *

**Chapter Two  
Better Forgotten**

* * *

Goodbyes are always bittersweet, but at least this time Kelly knew that his little sister was happy and that she felt safe back in New York and what more could he want?

"Remember to write," she repeated for the fifteenth time.

"I will," Kelly laughed and hugged her again.

"And eat more vegetables."

"Katie!"

"Seriously, who's going to cook for you?"

"No one can do it better than you." He looked at her beaming smile and she smacked his chest.

"You think April can't cook?" she teased.

"I know she can, but it's nothing like that," he seethed in a half-joking, half-annoyed way. What was it with everyone telling him that she was good for him? April was a friend. One of the best friends he'd ever had, not quite like Shay, but what they'd had back in high-school was special and Kelly wanted to have that back. He would do anything to get that back and he would avoid all the things that might get in the way of their friendship.

"She's really nice though," Katie said with a serious expression. "I'm glad I got to meet her."

"I'm glad she got to meet you."

"Those were great two weeks all around. Sad to go, but I have to." Katie extricated herself from his embrace and reached for her carry-on little suitcase, tickets and a magazine she bought to read on the way. "Remember to write." She pointed her finger at him and Kelly shook his head with a smile. Katie shrugged, laughed and smacked him in the arm with the magazine.

"Ough!" He faked hurt.

"And get that hand looked at." Katie poked his shoulder this time.

"It doesn't hurt, I'm just kidding."

"Yeah, but," she waved her hand, "you keep rubbing your wrist and doing... weird motions with your fingers."

Kelly looked at her with raised eyebrows, then he glanced at his right hand. Balled it in a fist. It didn't hurt, not like it used to when he'd had that cracked vertebra – he wasn't sure if Katie knew about it, he hadn't told her but Casey might, or Shay, before... Now his fingers tingled sometimes but that wasn't anything disturbing or hindering his capabilities.

"It's nothing, stop it." He returned a shoulder shove and backed it up with a glare.

Katie only shook her head, smirked and shrugged. "Someone has to take care of you and with me not here, I just don't know who will." She turned and started walking toward the gate, suitcase rattling behind.

"I'll write," Kelly promised as he caught up with her and squeezed her shoulders. "And you can write back with all the good advices."

"Send pictures."

"I'll send pictures."

"And detailed recounts of your day."

"Every day."

"Every day."

"I thought you were kidding? I'm not gonna write more often than once a week, come on!"

"You are evil."

"And you are the best." He planted a kiss on top of her head and handed her over to the flight attendant. "I will miss you."

"Will miss you too."

They exchanged one more hug, a tender kiss on the cheek, then she waved one final time, turned away and walked into the passageway.

Only when she disappeared behind the corner Kelly realized that he was balling and releasing his fist repetitively and that his forefinger and middle finger felt like they were made of wood. But they didn't hurt.

* * *

"You did what?" Erin reacted the way Gabby expected her to react.

She'd poured her friend a glass of whiskey and had placed it on the bar, adding a quick, "Me and Matt had sex." And Erin nearly choked on her drink.

"When?"

Gabby pursed her lips. "Last week. At the Academy Dinner. And you say it like you wouldn't do that if you had a chance." She folded her arms on her chest and pouted.

"Gabby..." Erin took a large sip of her drink instead of continuing. She placed the glass on the coaster, exhaled from the bottom of her lungs, then pursed her lips, looked up at Gabby sideways and started again. "You said you were past it," she reminded. "You were moving on."

"Apparently I was kidding myself." Gabby shrugged, arms still folded defensively.

"But sex?"

"Drunk sex, Erin, tell it like it is."

They both fell silent. Erin glared somewhere next to Gabby, eyes distant, unseeing. She took another sip, placed the glass back on the bar and met her friend's eyes, this time with compassion and a tinge of sadness.

"And what now?" she asked.

Well, that was the problem, wasn't it? They still pretended like nothing happened. Part of Gabby didn't want things to change, she wanted to face Matt – Lieutenant Casey – on shift tomorrow as she had this past week and act like all this hadn't made things weird between them. At all. But the other part of her wanted to find herself back in his embrace and whisper sweet declarations of eternal love.

She knew that if they got back together, she would have to quit being on Truck and that hurt. They had tried it this way and it had ended in a disaster. Another solution was if she changed the Firehouse but then, there was no guarantee they'd get the same shift and if they didn't, they'd be seeing each other twenty four out of seventy two hours and that was probably even worse. Either way, her remaining a firefighter meant they would never work as a couple. And Gabby really didn't want to give up that dream.

Then there was a question of what Casey wanted, what he thought, what he felt after their drunken sex in the classroom at the Academy.

Why couldn't they just keep things simple?

"I wish I could give you a good advice, Gabby." Erin reached out and squeezed Gabby's arm. "But as you well know, I am as much a child in the mist as you are about those things." She chuckled mirthlessly. "I thought me and Jay would be different, but you were right before. Those risks weigh too much."

Those were not the words Gabby needed from her friend. But she had to admit, Erin was right.

* * *

It was early morning, air still chill, but it smelled like spring already, this unspecified scent of sun-kissed earth and juices beginning to circulate in vegetation. Kelly was about to start his shift in half an hour but he wanted to say good morning to April on his way to the firehouse. He ordered two coffees, black, two sugars – what a coincidence she took her coffee just like he did – and jogged to the ER entrance.

The admitting area was quiet, what was not a common occurrence.

"Wakey-wakey," he sing-songed leaning over the counter, right above April's mop of curly hair.

She raised her head, brow furrowed. She wasn't sleeping, of course, she was filling some forms. When she saw it was Kelly, she squinted with reproach but then smiled, shaking her head.

"Thought you might need something to stir you up in those last minutes," Kelly offered. "Black, two shugars."

She stood up, smile now completely honest and delightful.

"You're my hero." She picked the styrofoam cup and took a sip.

Kelly wanted to say "that's what friends are for," but bit his tongue. No need being so blatant about this. "When are you off?" he asked instead.

"At eight. I don't like night shifts." April walked around the counter and leaned against it next to him. She craned her neck, eyes closed, a sigh escaping her lips. She let her guard down with him already and Kelly felt warmth spread through his whole body. He missed that feeling, being a source of comfort to somebody, being their rock. Last he felt like this was with Shay – his stomach still constricted at the thought of her and he knew remembering her would never be entirely without pain – but he was also convinced that the reason he was able to have that with Shay – was April. He reached out and gently squeezed her nape, massaged it, and April let him.

He still held his coffee in his right hand when the short-lived serenity of the emergency room was disrupted by a man running in through the double door, waving his arms and screaming some not-entirely complete sentences.

"My... She... Blood!" He grabbed April's arms. "Come with me! Help me!" She put away her coffee in an instant, tried to get the man to calm down, tried to understand what he was saying, what he needed, tried to reign in his attention, but he pulled her, elbowed Kelly right into his coffee cup and spilled the hot liquid all over Kelly's hand and sleeve.

"Macey!" April screamed. "Take the wheelchair and go with this man." Two nurses were already running to them, a young fair haired resident at their heels. April focused on Kelly. "Let me see that." She gently touched his hand and guided him toward a sink behind a curtain.

"It doesn't hurt," Kelly said, noticing with surprise how the skin on his palm turned bright red. "It wasn't even that hot."

April wet the towel in cold water and pressed it against his palm.

"Wasn't hot?" she scoffed. "I know you fight fire every day, so it's like nothing, but it was pretty hot." She peeked under the towel. "It won't do serious damage, but the skin may feel a little sore today."

"It doesn't," Kelly mouthed. He really didn't feel any pain, any heat, any cold now, maybe a distant echo of a sensation, as if it couldn't get through a thick glove.

He pushed April's hands away and peeled off the towel.

"You should keep it wet and cold for a few minutes. I'll give you an ointment later. Kelly, keep it wrapped in the towel." She insisted and when he scratched the inflamed skin, she asked with urgency, "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." Kelly pressed the towel back against the burn, feeling chills crawl up his back. He didn't dare to meet her eyes, his heart in his throat.

He couldn't feel any pain in his right hand.

* * *

Direct confrontation with Gabby probably wasn't the best idea. But no amount of subtle was going to gain Casey anything - he realized that after two awkward shifts, during which Gabby had acted like nothing happened between them. She'd been careful not to be alone with him for a split second, though, Sylvie glued to her hip like some Siamese twin, and when the Ambo had been on call, Gabby socialized with Herrmann and Mouch like they were the popular crowd in high school.

Casey had to bring up the subject in a straight and perhaps forceful way. He wanted her back. He was in love with Gabriela Dawson, he loved Gabriela Dawson and he wanted to have what they lost and he was going to sacrifice anything for it, even his own dignity.

His first attempt was thwarted – as he should have predicted, the forces of fate had never been his friends – by a call to the fire.

His second and third attempt Gabby deflected like she was the young, swift gazelle and he the old, sluggish, toothless lion. The predator-prey analogy probably wasn't the best.

On his way to his fourth attempt, determined and deep in thoughts, Casey run into Kelly Severide. They collided with a numbing force and Severide jumped away like he got burned, eyes wide open and teeth bared.

"What?"

"What? Nothing."

"Yeah... nothing."

They each turned away and walked in their separate directions, but the encounter left Casey with a feeling of unease. Kelly acted like he wasn't entirely there for the rest of the shift, save for the calls – at least during calls he was as focused and quick thinking as always. But other than that, he wasn't himself.

Gabby failed to hide from him after the shower in the evening when the guys were in the rec room eating late supper and the bunks were dark and empty.

"We have to talk." Casey startled her as she emerged from the shower and she nearly jumped out of her skin. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you. But I've been trying to get you to talk to me for a whole week and you just won't."

"Why do you think that is?" Gabby dried herself furiously, half-turned away from him, trying to hide her naked parts. Which she really didn't have to do.

Or...

Maybe she did. Casey felt a stir in his pants. Yeah, thinking about her naked had that effect on him.

"What are we doing?"

"We made a mistake, okay."

"Did we?"

Gabby's arms sagged. She shook her head, still with her back to him. "I don't know." She shrugged. Wrapped the towel back over her breasts and spun toward him. Those big brown eyes he wanted to drawn in, were filled with uncertainty and desire. "Matt..." she whispered.

Matt closed his eyes. He couldn't look at her and remain reasonable and responsible. Instead, his hands reached out, against his will and touched her shoulders. She leaned into him and rested her head against his chest, her wet hair sogging his shirt and her whole body adjusting to his, curve after curve. They fit perfectly together.

"I don't know what to do," she whispered. "I want this but I also want to be a firefighter and we know that those two things can't happen simultaneously. I have to choose. And I am not ready to."

Matt lifted his hand and stroke her hair. "You do not have to. I have to work around it, somehow. And I will figure it out, I promise, because I really do not want to lose you again."

They had two more calls at night but after the shift Casey didn't feel like he was going to be able to sleep, so he went to the pier and fed the seagulls for two hours. It didn't bring him any closer to an idea of how to save their relationship and at the same time allow Gabby to remain on Truck. The truth was he cared and worried about her all the time but she and other members of the Company acted different when she was his fiancée and Casey couldn't really change their way of thinking.

Finally he went back home only to find Severide sitting on the couch, watching one of his Shay DVDs with an expression he hadn't seen on him in months.

"What the hell is wrong with you, man?" Casey asked, truly disturbed.

"I can't go through that again," Severide uttered.

Casey stopped dead in his tracks

"Go through what?"

"At least before she was here," Severide's voice broke, like he was about to cry. "I wouldn't have made it without her and now..."

"Hey, buddy!" Casey rushed up, sat beside his friend, facing him. "What is it?"

Kelly lifted his palm, balled it in a fist, then spread his fingers.

"I can't..." he choke on the words then tried again. "I can't feel my hand."

* * *

t.b.c.

**ETA:** I just realized that this story will contain potential triggers. If, based on what was written so far, you're concerned it might affect you, please, contact me through a PM. I'll answer all your questions, so you may judge by yourselves if it's safe for you to continue reading. Nonetheless, I will warn in a more specific manner once I get to the chapters that contain those triggers. Stay safe.  
~es


	3. Hang Over Me Sometimes

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for all the comments to this story. You give me such boost to keep writing, you don't even know. :) I hope you will be satisfied by what's coming next - trouble are beginning to rear their ugly heads. :)

* * *

**Chapter Three  
Hang Over Me Sometimes (Dark Clouds)  
**

* * *

When Kelly woke up the next morning, the unpleasant sensation in his hand was gone. Over the following couple of days he caught himself expecting the tingling to return, or to be suddenly surprised by inability to squeeze his hand but none of this happened. It looked like got miraculously healed.

Casey wouldn't allow for the good news to settle and he kept pushing Kelly to set up an appointment with the doctor. Finally, almost a week later, when Kelly got out of his room in the morning, he found Casey standing next to the couch, apparently waiting for him.

"You want to drive together?" Kelly furrowed his brow. Usually they didn't, as each might need his car after shift but sometimes it was more convenient. But then, Matt wouldn't wait to say so till the last minute. Kelly didn't immediately guess what this was about.

"No, I don't," Casey drawled out. "I just wanted to ask you, before all the rush starts and we may... well... you may get saved by the bell, what, knowing your luck, would happen." Casey paused and laced his fingers in front of his chest, then spread his hands apart. "When's your appointment?"

"Appointment?" Kelly stalled, feeling a pit open in his stomach. He thought he wouldn't have to worry about this.

"Kelly," Casey shook his head, "don't." Kelly shrugged and Casey threw up his arms and walked toward the door, then turned back to Kelly abruptly. "You never called, did you?"

"Casey, I told you, it's gone..." Kelly tried and was cut off.

"Are you kidding me?" Casey closed the distance between them again and was in Kelly's face now. "A week ago you told me you couldn't feel your fingers. And you didn't do anything about it? You don't even intend to?"

"It's no longer a problem!"

"It's not-"

"Casey, it went away, okay? This numb sensation – it's gone. I can feel everything. Come on, pinch me!" Kelly held out his hand and closed his eyes. He was confident he would feel whatever Casey would do but he didn't quite expect his friend to be so inconsiderate when he squeezed a fold of skin between two fingers and turned.

Kelly couldn't contain a yelp. "Geez, you didn't have to be so brutal." Kelly rubbed the site, wincing. "But it proves my point. I felt it."

Casey was still staring at him with his gray eyes hard and cold like stone. He wasn't taller than Kelly, but suddenly Kelly felt so small.

"I am not your babysitter, Severide," Casey said slowly. "I am not going to do this for you, call the doctor's office, or anything. You're an adult and you know as well as I do that if it happened once, it may happen again. Only this time you may not lose the sensation, but the mobility, for example. I think I don't have to explain to you the consequences, if that happened during the action."

Kelly opened his mouth and closed them without a word. He stared at Casey but Casey didn't budge.

"I believe I don't have to go to Boden with this, so he might find other means of convincing you to make the call."

Kelly didn't answer. He bit his lips, then passed Casey and left the apartment in three long strides, shutting the door behind him with more force than was necessary. This was blackmail. This was plain and simple blackmail and he couldn't believe Casey would stoop so low. Kelly got into his car and sat behind the wheel, staring into space. Because – wasn't Casey right after all?

The truth was that Kelly had avoided thinking about the problem. It had scared him, when he'd realized something had been wrong. Had terrified him, because going back there, the dilemma, the fear, the prospect of losing his job, everything his life was about... He couldn't face that. He had been through that and he couldn't imagine going there again. What had saved him back then had been Shay, had been the fear that he would lose her. Nothing had mattered more than her friendship. Now he didn't have her anymore.

So, yeah, losing his job was the worst possible scenario. If he went to see a doctor, they would most likely propose the surgery that he was supposed to undergo initially and that meant recovery, rehab, a year off work for sure and then, despite all the efforts, a very real prospect of long-term disability.

But then, if he didn't go to see a doctor, Casey would tell Boden and Kelly would lose the job anyway, even sooner.

If he called and set up an appointment, then he would at least have some remnants of control over the situation, he decided, and pulled out his phone. He flipped through the contacts searching for the number to the orthopaedist who had operated on him before and, having taken a few deep breaths, he braved to dial.

The only revenge on Matt Casey he allowed himself, was to keep him in the dark throughout the shift. And test Matt's resolve – would he tell Boden, or wouldn't he? As they were changing after shift in silence so thick you could cut it with a proverbial knife, Kelly finally said, "Tuesday."

Casey spun toward him like smacked in the ass. "Tuesday, what?"

"I have an appointment on Tuesday." Kelly turned to look at Casey. "You don't have to tell Boden. I will, if there is a need to say anything."

Casey shrugged. "I knew I didn't have to."

"Yeah."

"You want me to come with you?" Casey took a step toward Kelly and stopped. "I'm really on your side here, hope you know that. If there's anything I can do to help... Just say so, okay?"

Kelly met Matt's eyes again and saw sincere worry in them. He scratched his chin and nodded, once. Yes, he would need all the help he could get. But he couldn't quite say it.

* * *

"Gabriela!" Sylvie banged on the bathroom door. "Come on!"

Gabby occupied the bathroom for almost half an hour now and Sylvie not only needed to get herself ready to go out, she simply needed to pee.

"Gabby!" she yelled for umpteenth time. "When are you coming out?"

"Never," came a muffled response that stopped Sylvie in her tracks. At least she replied but Gabby's voice was squealy and distorted.

"What's going on?" Sylvie asked tentatively.

"Nothing," Gabby shot back.

"Dawson?"

"Go away!"

What the hell happened? Sylvie turned the knob and found the door – surprisingly – unlocked. Gabby sat on a toilet, legs pulled up, arms wrapped around her knees and face wet from tears.

Sylvie froze on the doorstep. "What are you doing?" she whispered.

Gabby handed her a long piece of plastic without a word.

It took Sylvie long five second to realize that what she was looking at was a pregnancy test. And another five to compute that the result was positive. She stepped in and grabbed the box that lay discarded on the sink. Compared the instruction with the result, to be certain.

She looked up at Gabby.

"Casey?" she asked. Gabby had told her about what happened at the Academy Dinner.

"I'm not even sure," Gabby whimpered. "Except I kind of am. We've always used protection with Arthur, and with Matt..." She shrugged.

"You didn't," Sylvie finished the thought.

"Nope."

"How could you Gabby?"

The words escaped Sylvie's lips an she regretted them the moment she said them.

"What?" Gabby looked up at her with such hurt and anger, Sylvie immediately felt ashamed of herself. "We were both drunk out of our asses, angry and... horny." Her eyes shone with tears.

"Gabby..."

"What?"

"Nothing." Sylvie decided that she was better just being silent. Instead of talking she simply hugged her friend and they rocked for a few long moments, Sylvie stroking Gabby's hair until the poor distraught girl relaxed and melted into the embrace. Only when Gabriela was ready, they broke contact and Gabby reached for tissues with a sniff and an apologetic chuckle.

"What are you gonna do now?" Sylvie asked.

"I don't know."

"You have to get off Truck."

"No, I don't."

"But..." Sylvie glared, flabbergasted. "It's dangerous. What if you get hurt or something happens. The baby... Or even the strain, this job is very demanding physically. What if you lose it?"

"Who says I don't want to lose it?" Gabby replied in a low voice, staring off into the distance.

* * *

Severide didn't want Matt to go with him to all the tests. He said that he'd most appreciate someone to be there when he'd go in to get the results. Half an hour, hour tops, that's how long he thought it would all take, so Matt didn't leave the apartment until eleven. What didn't prove to be very productive, because he kept pacing between the window and the door for almost the whole hour.

He knew very well how important working squad was for Severide. He wasn't that different from Matt in that regard and Matt remembered his head injury, the feeling of helplessness when he waited for the doctors' verdict. Could he work? Would he work? It was terrifying and now he really worried about his fellow lieutenant.

Trouble with Gabby didn't help. He wanted to talk to her, he needed to talk to someone and she used to be his confidant, his rock, his best friend on top of being his girl and now... They almost had it back, except not quite, because she was still acting weird. Oh, of course he wouldn't tell her what Severide was facing, he wouldn't want to fail Kelly's trust, but at least he could tell her that he was worried. He needed her comforting arms.

As if on cue, his phone rang and Gabby's smiling face appeared on the display. Could she sense his concerns? It was not possible, was it?

"Matt, I need to talk to you," she said and the tone of her voice suggested she was equally upset. "I'm five minutes from your place, may I come see you?"

Matt glanced at his watch.

"Actually," he uttered, against himself. "I was about to leave. I should be leaving right now, Gabby." He should talk to her. He wanted to talk to her but he also wanted to give her all the attention she deserved. "I'll call you later, alright?"

"Alright," Gabby replied in a curt and surly manner and hung up. Matt closed his eyes and sighed. Damn, he should have let her come, he should have talked, she clearly wanted to talk to him all day Sunday, maybe she thought about them again and wanted to give them one more shot and now he killed that chance.

Matt stood like frozen, his finger hovering over the screen, hesitating if he should call her right back, or not call her and instead go and meet Kelly Severide at the clinic. Eventually obligation toward a friend won over his selfish need to work on his relationship. He knew he might regret it. But he hoped he wouldn't. He hoped that once Gabby learned what stood in the way, she would appreciate him for the man he was – a reliable friend and leader. He couldn't be untrue to his nature and he believed that was one of the things she loved in him. If she loved him at all.

He couldn't think about it all.

When he arrived at the clinic he found Severide in the waiting area, arms folded on his chest, chewing his lower lip.

"What did they say?" he asked, convinced that the news had already been delivered and that it wasn't good.

Severide shrugged. "They need more tests," he growled.

"What do you mean?"

"I've already had an x-ray but then they wanted another one, this time of the whole spine and then CT. Now I'm waiting for MRI. This just great!" He leaned forward on his knees like he wanted to get up but changed his mind and leaned back again. Rubbed his forehead.

It took another half an hour of waiting before they called Severide up for the procedure, almost an hour more for it to be completed. Kelly tried to convince Matthew to go home, instead of wasting his time there with him, but Matt promised to be there and he wasn't going anywhere.

Maybe he would go, if Gabby picked up her phone but he tried to call her several times and she never did.

Finally they were asked to come into the doctor's office.

Matt could see that Severide was at the end of his patience and he was prepared to run interference if his friend's volatile character got out of control.

First sentence from the doctor's mouth was enough to ignite Kelly.

"Mr Severide, I'm afraid the results of your tests are, at this moment, inconclusive."

"Inconclusive?" Kelly blew up. "It took you half a day and all you have is inconclusive?"

Matthew reached out and grabbed Severide's hand. "Kelly..."

"No, don't Kelly me! We've wasted half a day on this. And what now?"

The doctor didn't appear fazed in the slightest. He stood up and approached the backlit board with a lot of black and white pictures of Severide's spine in all the planes of intersection. "The initial x-ray revealed a mass in your spinal column. Right here." The doc pointed at one of the pictures that didn't appear any different from others to Matt's untrained eye.

Kelly fell silent and Matt could sense his distress suddenly increase tenfold.

"A mass?" he asked in a strained voice. Matt glanced at him and his heart sped up as well. "What kind of a mass?"

"That's what we need to find out." The doctor returned to his post at the desk. "We were hoping to get a clearer picture with the CT and MRI and what we learned is that it's epidural, which is a good news."

"It is?"

"It means it's not inside the spinal cord, but rather between the cord and the vertebra. It does not consist of the spinal tissue, but in order to clearly determine what it is, what kind of cells are involved, whether it's a bone tissue or a soft tissue, we'll need to run some further tests. Spinal tap, possibly a biopsy. I will write you a referral to Chicago Med, because our clinic doesn't have the equipment required with all the procedures in such case. I would like to set you up for tomorrow. How does that sound?"

Severide was uncharacteristically quiet through the whole doctor's speech. Now he sighed, as if he woke from a bad dream, looked up, then back at his hands and shook his head. "I can't tomorrow," he said. "I have a shift. The day after."

"The day after it is." The doctor continued with all the information about the precautions Severide needed to take and the way to prepare for all the tests and Matt tried to listen and remember, because Kelly didn't look like he was all there.

* * *

t.b.c.

**ETA:** This story will contain potential triggers. If, based on what was written so far, you're concerned it might affect you, please, contact me through a PM. I'll answer all your questions, so you may judge by yourselves if it's safe for you to continue reading. Nonetheless, I will warn in a more specific manner once I get to the chapters that contain those triggers. Stay safe.  
~es


	4. Strong Wind

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** As previously mentioned, I **warn for triggers**, starting from this chapter. But, because of the way the chapter was written, those triggers are also spoilers for the content of the chapter, therefore I do not write them upfront. Instead, they are mentioned in the note at the end of the chapter.

If there's any reason for you to worry that the content of the story might be triggering for you, please go to the end of the chapter first, spoil yourselves and then come back to read it. Or don't read, you know. Your wellbeing is more important than this little fanfic.

If you are sure you don't have any triggers, just read on. :) And cry...

* * *

**Chapter Four  
Strong Wind**

* * *

Casey had an opinion about Severide coming to work instead of continuing the tests right away. He tried to breach the subject, once, and was shot down with such force that he backed away immediately. Nonetheless, he couldn't help but watch Severide's every move during the next shift, like a momma bear watching her pup go out of the lair for the first time. He was so obvious about it that Boden noticed and pulled him aside and it took all of Casey's self-restraint to only say one little half-truth, that as soon as he'd learn what the problem was, Chief would be the first to know. After all, he only knew that there was a problem, not what it was. Not even Kelly did.

Gabby avoided him most of the day and they had a call after a call and Matt didn't find a moment alone with her until late in the evening. He cornered her in the bunks despite Cruz, Otis and Brett giving them all the glares. He begged and goaded her to sit with him on the couch between the lieutenant's quarters – it was all he could get, because she wouldn't let him have the benefit of the privacy of his workspace. At least Herrmann showed up, assessed the situation and ordered a drill right away, so the two of them were left alone in the bunk area.

"You wanted to talk," Matt started.

"You didn't," Gabby replied.

"I did, Gabby. I wanted to talk to you, but I couldn't, I had something important to do, something I promised someone and I couldn't fail them." He tried to assure her, but she was apparently hurt too deep.

"Well, if it was more important..." she pouted and Matt lost his patience.

"It was!" he cut in with anger and immediately raised both his palms in a placating gesture. "I am sorry. It was important, but you are important to me too. You are the most important person to me and if that other thing wasn't urgent... Look, I'm pretty sure you will learn what it was about, soon. And if you continue shutting me out right now and acting like... Like this." He didn't want to say 'like a spoiled brat,' but soon enough he might. "If you keep playing this game, you will feel really stupid about this," he finished, unable to hide his annoyance. Gabby watched him, eyes squinted, but she did not argue anymore, instead Matt thought she gave him a small nod. He sighed. "So, either we talk now... Because I want to, Gabby." He reached and grabbed both her hands and she didn't pull back. "I do, I care about you. You can tell me what you wanted to say yesterday. Hope it's not too late." What if he had been wrong? What if her problem had been urgent too and he'd let her down? Matt closed his eyes and prayed that all his efforts weren't too little, too late.

"It's not," Gabby said in a voice that was barely audible. Matt looked up and saw tears well up in her eyes. Then she confessed with a small shrug, "I am pregnant."

Matt sat, stunned into silence, for at least a few seconds. He seemed to have forgotten how to breathe.

Pregnant.

A baby.

Amidst all this anguish and worry and all those concerns – a baby. It was like a ray of sunshine, like laughter in the storm. He had wanted to have children of his own for so long, and it had been thwarted so many times he'd stopped hoping. And now... Oh, they weren't quite together yet, they were working things through with Gabby, but now they had a purpose, they had a reason and they used to have so much love, he knew, he was absolutely certain, that they could get it all back.

She couldn't have made him happier.

Matt leaned, grabbed her face in both his hands and...

...wanted to kiss her...

But Gabby pulled away, both palms firmly placed on his chest, keeping him at a distance. Matt blinked, glaring at her questioningly.

"You don't even wonder if it's yours?" she whispered.

"What?" Could it not be?

"I'd been with Arthur, you know." Gabby stood up and turned her back to him and his hands fell to his sides, empty, redundant. "Granted, we didn't... not very often, a week before... you... last time," Gabby stuttered. "And we had always used protection. So, yeah, I am pretty certain it is yours, but parental testing can't be done before the fourteenth week and..."

Matt didn't move, didn't react, didn't say anything. He wanted to tell her that it didn't matter, that he would love this baby like his own, but he couldn't. He honestly didn't know how he felt.

And then Gabby dropped another bomb.

"This pregnancy isn't going to last that long," she whispered. "I want to terminate it as soon as possible."

* * *

The next couple of days Casey spent like in haze. He blew up at Severide about his pig-headed stubbornness to keep working despite his health issues and Severide retaliated. Since they were both in a bad place, neither saw it fit to apologize. He couldn't face Gabby, so he requested a furlough due to family emergency for the next shift and begged the Chief not to make him explain. Argued with Severide once more, this time because – with as doubtful relationship track record as one could have – his colleague came at him with advices on how he should have acted about Gabby. And Severide didn't even know what was really going on. Matthew ended up not coming back home for the night, instead he crashed on Christie's couch. At least his sister and her sweetiest, loveliest daughter soothed his nerves.

Of course Christie said that he shouldn't push Gabby to anything, that he should support and help her, because as much as he was upset, she was probably ten times over, and, of course, Matthew didn't listen to her.

Oh, he had good intentions. He went to Gabby before the next shift, determined to tell her that they would get through this and that he would help her and even if the baby wasn't his, he loved her, so he would love the baby too. But it probably was his, she said so herself, and all was going to be alright and in a few months they would laugh at it. And, even if it wasn't, they always could have more children and he would never, ever, treat this one any differently. Ever.

"But I just... I do not want to have this child," Gabby responded to his declaration. "I don't know if I want children at all, I probably do, but not now. I am not ready. I am at that place in my life, where I have other priorities."

"But you can't do that," Matt pointed out. "This is not just your baby, it's mine too. Or, it's potentially mine. And I have a right to decide as well, if it is mine, and we won't know for sure until the fourteenth week, you said so yourself."

"Yeah. But the problem is that after fourteenth week abortion is not possible."

"Well, I'm sorry about that."

Gabby shook her head, clearly shaken.

"I think you need to leave," she uttered, her lips pale, eyes big and shining. She didn't let herself cry in front of him but he could tell she would, just as soon as he was out of her apartment.

Sylvie Brett stood in the doorway of the living room with a kitchen knife in her hand – by coincidence, probably... maybe – her expression a mix of hurt and disdain. Matthew withdrew from their place without another word.

* * *

Whatever was going on between Casey and Dawson couldn't be good. Kelly kind of wanted to help, but his head was not in the game and his attempt to be a supportive friend blew up in his face. Casey vanished for a few days after. With his friend out of the grid, he had no choice but to go get his test results all by himself. Frankly, he wouldn't even want Casey there, not in the mindset the man was in, currently.

After being explained in a great detail what awaited him though, Kelly sincerely hoped Casey would come back to Fifty-One. Preferably right-fuckin'-now. He wouldn't be able to pull off his plan without his fellow lieutenant's help.

Casey was back. At a roll-call he stood at the far left corner of the room, while Gabby – heavy make-up not quite covering bloodshot, shining eyes – sat next to Sylvie Brett at the first desk on the right. Boden gave a short briefing, glared between one and the other and told them all to get to work.

"Chief." Kelly raised his hand and caught Casey's eyes at the same time. "Could I speak with you for a moment? You too, Casey."

"Sure." Chief furrowed his brow.

"In your office."

Boden walked first, while Casey caught Kelly's sleeve and seethed into his ear, "If you want to talk about how me and Gabby are handling..."

"I do not," Kelly replied in a curt manner. Casey fell silent and pulled back.

"Oh," he gasped. "Tests... What is it? What did they say?"

Kelly turned to look his friend in the eye. "I really don't want to repeat it twice."

Chief invited them both to sit down and Kelly took his time closing the door. Would stalling make it possible to not say it at all? If he pretended the problem didn't exist, would it erase it? He wasn't pretending anymore, though, he had already set things in motion and now, all he could do, was to get through this first obstacle.

He saw an envelope on the Chief's desk, with Chicago Med emblem on it.

"Did you—" he started, taking the chair in front of Chief's desk. "Did you get my medical files already?"

Boden glanced at the envelope, then back at his lieutenant. "I didn't have a chance to open this yet."

"Good." Kelly sighed. "Good, 'cause I wanted to tell you myself. And... request that we work it out, somehow. Without sending me on a medical furlough right away."

Chief spread his hands, encouraging him to continue. Kelly wiped his face and braced himself for the inevitable.

"A couple of weeks ago," he begun, "I started having those weird sensations in my hand." He looked at his palm, balled it in a fist and released. "It was kind of like I'd had before, when I had that broken vertebra, but different. There was no pain, no weakness of the hand, just... tingling and... kind of feeling numb, which, actually, passed completely later on. I had it checked out anyway." He looked to the side. Casey was staring at him, mouth set, eyes frightened. "I have to say that Lieutenant Casey was instrumental in forcing me to have it looked at, actually. Yesterday, after a week of being poked and prodded, I got the diagnosis."

Kelly looked at his lap. He didn't know if he could say it. It would somehow make things more real if he did, more unavoidable. Although, weren't they anyway? No, he couldn't escape what was in store for him, all he could hope for was that he would keep his job. He knew he could, he felt well enough, but would Boden believe him? He looked at the Chief and bit his teeth.

"I want to reinforce again," he said, "that the symptoms of the illness are minor and they do not affect me in any way. In fact I haven't had any symptoms at all for the past two weeks. And they should become even less likely to reoccur after I start the treatments. It is my conviction that I am one-hundred-percent capable of staying on the job. It's the, uh..." he hesitated. There it was. "It's the treatments that may become a problem. Or they may not, there's... Yeah. Um." There was no way around it anymore.

Kelly closed his eyes and let it out. "I have cancer." He opened them to meet Chief's gaze filled with shock and dread, mixed with sorrow and compassion. Boden's own father had died of cancer only a few months ago, Kelly remembered. Casey, next to him, let out a strangled "What?". Kelly couldn't comfort either of them now. He could barely keep it together himself.

"I'm starting chemotherapy tomorrow," he told them and continued with all the explanations quickly. "I'm going to have infusions every three weeks, probably three of them, so it's, like, two months thing. I have it scheduled so I go in right after shift and then I have forty... well, about forty five hours really, to recover. I spoke with the doctor and she said that some percentage of the patients do not experience side effects of chemotherapy, no nausea, no vomiting, no fatigue. It may happen." He paused.

Boden nodded but he didn't appear convinced.

"So," Kelly decided to plod ahead anyway, "my request, with regard to those files you have on your desk, Chief, is that you consider my input. The doc said that it's ultimately up to me, if I feel well enough to keep working. I think it's up to me and up to you, given the specifics of the job, the physical requirements. But... She also said that, if possible, it matters to keep changes in one's life to the minimum."

"She said that?" Boden spoke for the first time and his voice sounded coarse.

"Yeah." Kelly nodded with conviction that wasn't really founded in facts. "She said that it's good to maintain the... that it's important psychologically, especially if that's what the patient needs." She phrased it a little differently. More in the sense that it could be done if the patient took treatments well, but there was no reason to anticipate that he wouldn't. He intended to feel alright.

"Does she know what you do?"

This was another problem - truth was she hadn't initially. When he'd asked her if he would have to quit working, she had apparently mistaken him for some desk job and said that of course not. Once he'd told her that he'd been a firefighter, she'd tried to withdraw her earlier words, without appearing too inconsiderate.

"She said that I may need to take one shift off, after the treatment," he opted for a half-truth, "if it's bad. And take some pills to boost my immune system, but..."

"Kelly..."

"Chief." Kelly couldn't let him win this argument, he just couldn't. "I really need to keep working. I promise you that I will be honest with you on how I feel and besides, I live with Casey, so he'll be able to keep an eye on me and keep you aprised if I... make up something. Right?" He turned to Casey who looked at him, eyes open wide, still in shock.

"Uh. Yeah." He blinked a couple of times. "Yes, absolutely."

Chief kept watching Kelly for a few more heartbeats and nodding, deep in thoughts. Finally he asked, "Tomorrow?"

"Yeah. And they say the first twenty four hours are the worst, then... it gets better."

"I want a call next morning then." He ordered. "And a full info on your physical condition."

"You'll have it, Chief."

There wasn't much more to discuss and Kelly was grateful that Boden didn't grill him for any details. He wasn't able to talk about this thing any longer, he was spent and his head was pounding.

"Good." Chief sighed. "Get to work then and... take care of yourself, Kelly."

"Thank you, Chief. I will. Uh..." There was one more thing. "I don't plan on telling the others. Yet."

"I'll respect that."

When they left the Chief's office Casey caught up with him. He couldn't stop himself from some grilling.

"How..." he hesitated. "Kelly, how bad it really is?

"I told you. There's no symptoms anymore and the doctors are optimistic. Stage I lymphoma - three treatments and I'll be good as new. This... isnt'... You know there's progress in those things." Kelly hoped Casey would let it go, because he was done. "They caught it early," he reinforced, "which – thanks again, because if you hadn't pushed me..."

"Yeah. This is good."

"This is good. And I am gonna be okay."

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** The mentioned trigger warning includes themes related to cancer: fears, treatments, all the anguish. I'm not gonna pull the punches, but I hope to treat the matter with due respect and the message I intend to send is definitely going to be a positive one.

The second potentially triggering matter is the issue of abortion. It's especially difficult to handle, as I am both pro-choice, and pro-life at the same time. This is fanfiction, though, so I don't think I will go too far into the "dark" territory. You may expect a positive (if mild) resolution to all the problems.

Please, if at any point you feel that I treat either of those issues, or any other issue for that matter – in a non-respectful manner, do not hesitate to point it out to me.

Thank you for reading. :)


	5. Perfectly Well and Normal

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you so much for all the comments, favorites and follows. It makes my day to see that notification in my inbox, so keep them coming. :)

* * *

**Chapter Five  
Perfectly Well and Normal  
**

* * *

"What do you think they're talking about?" Otis peeked through the doorway to the corridor, but neither Severide nor Casey were coming back yet.

"Probably lieutenant stuff." Herrmann threw a nut at Otis's head.

"Yeah, you should know," Otis griped, "Lieutenant. Why didn't they invite you, then?"

They kept bickering but Gabby really didn't care. She didn't want to know. She wondered how she was going to survive this shift. And the one after that. And every shift till the end of the world.

She needed to transfer to another firehouse, and fast.

Casey finally came from the Chief's office and he strolled straight for Gabby's chair.

"I need to talk to you," he said without preamble. Gabby saw in the corner of her eye how Sylvie stirred next to her but Matt ignored her. "Please, Gabby," he added. "I am sorry, I want to ask you to forgive me and to give me another chance. This time I'll say all the right things."

Gabby sighed and ran through scenarios in her head, in the blink of an eye. Talk, not talk, consequences, possibilities. She stood up without a word and walked out of the station, into the cool, early April air. She didn't look back but she knew Casey followed her. When she decided they were far enough, she turned to him, lips pursed, arms folded on her chest and waited.

Matt took in a deep breath and laced his fingers in front of him.

"Your body is yours, Gabby," he started. "It is your decision and yours only, I have no right to pressure you into anything, no matter how much I..." he stopped himself. "I have no right to pressure you into anything, period. But I love you, Gabriela Dawson, and this is what I have the right to do – I have a right to ask you to give me a chance. I have a right to tell you that you can lean on me, if you want to, if you need it. We can get through this together, however you want to. I will help you and support you all the way. If you want me to, I can participate in the cost of the procedure. Or I can pay for it myself, or let you pay. I can be by your side, or I can help you set things up if it would be too hard for you, call the clinics, set up appointments. Just say the word. I want to help you." He nodded once and finished talking.

Gabby looked at him for a long while, wondering how he came to all that. Was it possible that Severide and the Chief got this into his head? Sylvie had wondered if that's what they were talking about, given Casey's absence last shift but Gabby hadn't wanted to know. She still didn't want to wonder.

"Gabby," Matthew broke the silence, this time in a quieter, more sincere voice. She realized what was wrong with his earlier tirade – it sounded rehearsed, not his own. "Look, I know I reacted poorly. I know that wat I said earlier... It isn't easy for me to understand, I am not a woman. Christie helped me figure out some things and I just..." He paused, sighed, looked up at the sky and... were there tears in his eyes? "I need you," he whispered, bowing his head and hiding his face.

"What happened?" escaped Gabby's lips. She didn't intend to be compassionate toward him, but suddenly all she wanted was to hug him and tell him everything would be okay.

She didn't move.

He looked up, spooked. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"What made you change your mind?"

"Nothing. Nothing changed my mind, Gabby, I didn't change my mind. This is what I've always wanted, I just expressed it wrong."

Gabby watched him, his arms spread out and his helpless expression. He hadn't looked like that since his mother had been released from prison and wouldn't comply with the rules of her parole. She remembered that he'd requested a furlough for a family emergency and now he mentioned Christie. Did his sister have some problems again?

"All that happened," he continued, "is that I realized what's important. What's really important. And that is that I love you. You are the most important... well, not thing..." he confuddled himself and Gabby couldn't help but chuckle. She put a hand on his arm and Matt smiled, even though his eyes remained mirthless. Then he took a step forward and closed her in his embrace, letting out a muffled sob.

Gabby knew him well enough to realize that something bad had happened. He didn't just stop wanting to have a baby. He might have wanted to be with her more and that thought was – unsurprisingly, really – a happy one. But nothing was solved. And something was wrong, something other than her being pregnant. She refrained from asking. She would trust that he'd tell her on his own terms, when he was ready. Meanwhile she would take what he offered and she'd accept his help with eliminating the problem they'd created together. And then, she would hope for everything to work itself out, somehow.

* * *

The treatment wasn't painful. The doctor proposed installing a port or a central line, but upon learning how much trouble was involved in maintaining it – keeping it clean and looking out for injuries and making sure it didn't get wet – Kelly decided that he could try a direct IV and see if it bothered him. It didn't. They worried about him getting allergic reaction to some of the drugs, asked if he felt hot or cold, every fifteen minutes, or if he experienced any discomfort, but the only problem, really, was that he was bored to all hell, laying in that chair and counting the tiles on the ceiling. Some other people had books or tablets with them and he promised himself he would bring one too, next time. After the treatment – all of it, including preparations and post chemotherapy instructions that took a lot longer than he'd expected – the doctor wanted him to stay at the hospital overnight. Kelly didn't freak out – but he was close. And they must have seen it, because after informing him of all the precautions, giving him ten thousand instructions – written instructions, so he didn't forget about anything – handing him five more vials of meds – this one four times a day for five days, that one once daily for twenty-one days, he was really glad it was all written down, because it was just too much – they let him go. In case of sudden worsening of his condition – he had all the potential symptoms listed as well – he was supposed to call nine-one-one immediately. They made sure about five times that he had someone to watch out for him for the next twenty-four hours. When he finally got home, it was late afternoon.

Casey had asked beforehand if he would be needed to take him home, but Kelly had declined. Nonetheless, Casey was prepared. He had read all he could find online and as soon as Kelly came back home, he had to repeat everything he'd heard and show Casey all the lists and meds and tell him what precautions needed to be taken. He finished with yet another assurance that he felt okay and he didn't need any cooing.

In response to this declaration, Casey prepared a light dinner that he'd read would restore Kelly's strength and wouldn't burden his stomach and would be great all around. Boiled chicken breast, carrots and potatoes. He didn't mention the food was also tasteless but Kelly decided he would not complain.

Half way through the dinner he felt nauseous.

"You should eat all of it," Casey admonished when Kelly pushed the half-full plate away. "You need your strength."

"Can't..." was all Kelly was able to utter.

He huffed a few times, trying to stifle the unpleasant sensation in his stomach and took a sip of water. At least Casey didn't try to force-feed him any longer; in fact he hurriedly took the plates away and instad urged Kelly to lay down.

"Could you just..." Kelly had to pause as another wave of nausea hit him. "Could you give me some space?" he finished after a moment.

Casey shut up and stepped away. He paced down the length of the kitchen, moved water jug from one spot to another, needlessly, wiped an invisible peck of dust from the counter. It was obvious that he didn't know what to do with his hands and Kelly felt guilty for pushing him away like this, he wanted to give him something but all his energy had to be focused on fighting his revolting stomach.

"You said they gave you those pills," Casey tried, risking another rebuttal and this time Kelly was grateful for the mention.

He should have waited another hour before taking the medication as prescribed, every six hours, but decided not to. It helped. It wasn't even half an hour later when, reclined comfortably on the couch, Kelly felt the nasty sensation subside and then leave him completely.

"Overheard Gabby asking you if you'd come to Molly's tonight," he tried, his voice too quiet.

"What are you?..." Casey wouldn't hear of it. "Don't even. I'm not going anywhere, I told her I couldn't tonight."

"She was disappointed."

"No. I'm not leaving you."

"Casey." Kelly pulled himself up to a more vertical position. He needed to make a point. "I feel fine. I was nauseous, it was bad, but I took a pill and it went away. I'm gonna assume it went away for good, but if it didn't I'll know what to do, okay? I'll just take another pill. Casey, I think it's actually good that it happened. I know what to expect now."

He had no idea how wrong he was.

* * *

Casey didn't want to leave him alone. Everything in him screamed against the idea but eventually, the prospect of making Gabby smile won over, besides... Truth was he felt like he was making things worse for Kelly. He couldn't stop himself from hovering and Kelly clearly felt uncomfortable with that. He could give him an hour-or-so.

He promised he would be back early, that he wouldn't be long. As it turned out he was too long anyway. When he returned, short before midnight, he found Kelly curled up on the bathroom floor, dry heaving.

Of course, Kelly being Kelly, assured him that it was all over, that he was better already. Casey didn't want to think how bad it had been and that he should have been right here. Paradoxically, he got pissed, Kelly tried to get defensive but he broke down and only then Casey felt like the shittiest friend alive. All in all, Kelly was really getting better. Not long after, he returned to his bed and fell asleep. He didn't wake up for the remainder of the night and managed – it actually was a struggle, but he managed – to eat a light breakfast in the morning.

And then he called Boden to tell him that he was feeling normal, like nothing happened.

Casey didn't even try to fight.

Over the next day Severide's condition improved enough that he entered the Firehouse "at one hundred percent," as he told Boden and Casey after the roll-call. The shift was a rare quiet one and even despite that Boden, along with Casey managed to distribute the man power during the calls so Kelly wasn't subject to overmuch exertion. It didn't help much. At the end of the shift Kelly admitted to his limitations as he asked Casey to take him home. He had no strength to drive.

Two days later he claimed to be well and healthy again.

This time at least he did not just put on a brave face, but really felt better and soon enough he returned to his earlier physical shape and his mood skyrocketed. He was happy, but in that unnerving, dangerous way of his. Approaching the subject of his health would only earn a glare and a growl, so Casey stopped trying after five attempts. He focused instead on another person who needed his help.

And this person actually did need him. Gabby said she would research clinics herself and set up an appointment, the only thing she wanted from Matt was to come with her. Then she didn't do anything for the whole week. Next week Casey looked through some information on the subject on his own and gave her a short summary. Gabby read his notes, nodded and told him she needed to think about it. They had started spending some nights together but that night she went to Sylvie's and Matt didn't see her for a whole next day.

He didn't push her after that. He didn't want to push her at all – he wanted this child to be born, he would raise it and he was certain she would learn to love it too – but he had promised to support her choice, whatever it would be, so eventually he had to ask if she'd changed her mind.

"Because if you did... We need to make some decisions, Gabby, because you can't be on Truck. I have hard enough time with the guys giving me the stink eye, when I give you side jobs out there, but perhaps you should take on some administrative duties. For the time being - you'll be back as soon as possible!" He lifted both his palms, seeing her hurt glare.

But she was not mad. Gabby sighed and cast her eyes downward again.

"I did not change my mind," she replied quietly, her finger tracing an invisible pattern on the surface of the table. "But it's not an easy thing to do, you know. No need doing it too early either, cause the procedure might not be successful. I figured – next week. I even called the clinic yesterday..." She sniffed, looked up and quickly averted her eyes. "But I can't even talk to my mom about it. I visited her yesterday and it was so awkward and she could tell something was wrong but I had to bite my tongue. If she knew I was..." Gabby looked up. They didn't use the word, but her eyes spoke volumes. "She would react just like you did, initially." A small smile danced on her lips. "I can't talk to Antonio either, what with him going through that divorce and having so little contact with his kids."

"Gabby, he has no right to judge you either way." Matt shook his head.

Gabby shrugged. "It's the Catholic upbringing. My mom goes to Church every Sunday. And even a part of me worries about that 'every life is sacred' philosophy. At least I have Sylvie to remind me that a female body is not a carrier for a fetus and that if I managed to prove that a woman can be a firefighter – and admit it, how badass was that? – I can't just go one-eighty on everything I stand for."

Matt grabbed her hand and lifted it to his lips in a quick, stolen kiss.

Next Tuesday morning Gabby told him that she had, in fact, set that appointment for tomorrow, right after shift. Did she forget to tell him? Sorry. He assured her that it didn't matter, that he would be there for her and for everything after. She was determined to return to work next shift and it reminded Matt about Severide so much that he had to bite his lips to prevent any sarcastic remark from escaping.

"We will worry about that the day after tomorrow, okay?" he said instead and Gabby reluctantly nodded.

* * *

t.b.c.


	6. No

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**Chapter Six  
No  
**

* * *

That Tuesday was a difficult one at Firehouse Fifty-One. First they spent half a day rescuing four parachute trainees from Chicago Aeroclub, who – during a routine parachute exercise – got pushed by the wind into the trees next to the area designated for landing. As they only had equipment to get to one of them at a time, they had to repeat the action three times, before another company joined them and cut the last of the unfortunate trainees.

Straight from the Aeroclub, they were re-routed to assist with a multi-vehicle collision on the off-ramp between Dan Ryan and Stevenson Expressway. Casey and Severide ended up on one of the ambulances taking a victim to the hospital, because the rod piercing the man's upper thigh couldn't be removed on site.

After they successfully assisted the surgeons in removing the rod, Kelly couldn't get out of the hospital fast enough and it didn't even occur to Casey to think twice about it, until he saw a nurse – her name was April, and she used to be Severide's best friend back in high school, if he remembered well – run up to the man.

"Kelly, wait up." She caught his arm and he recoiled. She let go, lifted up her chin. "Hey." She tried not to appear wounded by his reaction. "I haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing?"

"Fine." Kelly didn't even try to be polite. "Look, I gotta go."

He turned away but she called after him.

"You're doing this again, you know."

That stopped him. "Doing what?"

"Shutting me out. You stopped showing up here, you don't return my calls, don't even pick up when I call. What is it this time? Because I really can't think of anything other than-" She paused, cast a poignant glance at Casey. "That you're ashamed of me."

Kelly didn't respond, just stood there looking at her with a blank expression.

April threw out her hands. "I'm a big girl now, I'm not a teenager anymore, so I imagine it's probably not that, but if you won't talk to me... It's not how friendship works you know. You said you wanted to reconcile and instead - you're repeating the same pattern. I can't have that Kelly, I can't do that thing again, where I wait for you to get over yourself. You wanted to be friends again. Prove it."

Without waiting for his response, April turned around and walked back to the ER, her step quick and decisive, head held high.

Casey sighed and looked at his friend. Kelly twisted his lips, wiped his face and turned in the opposite direction. Walked straight back toward the ambo that brought them here and now was supposed to take them back to their house, once the medics would have finished with their report.

Matt followed Kelly with a heavy heart.

"I think you should tell her what's going on with you," he commented, against his better judgment.

"I think you should worry about your own business," Kelly replied in ice-cold voice.

Yeah, that was exactly the reaction that reminded Casey why he never talked to Kelly about anything concerning his illness. He wasn't about to press the issue now, he was tired enough as it was and tomorrow he was about to face another stressful day.

In the evening they had one more call – a house fire. Only this one was too late – the parents tried to put out the flames themselves and delayed calling 911. A situation that should have been easy to control for the truck company, within minutes turned into a challenging rescue operation that eventually resulted in death of one of the children and severe burns of the other.

Gabby struggled to hold back tears but Matt could see that this call affected her very strongly. She was tired and upset and in the morning they went for an interview with the doctor. Perhaps they should have rescheduled, gone another time and just rest now. Or maybe not, maybe it would have ended the same way no matter the circumstances. Gabby blew up at the doctor in a way that frightened Matthew.

The doctor asked a lot of questions about their marital situation, work, living conditions and reasons behind Gabriela's decision. Gabby responded impatiently and after tenth of such questions, she demanded to know when the procedure would start and how long would it take.

"The gynecologist will explain everything to you right after we finish here and we will perform the procedure tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Gabby sat straighter. "And what do you mean, gynecologist? Who are you?"

"I am a psychologist."

"What?" Gabby sprung up from her chair. "I don't need a shrink! I know what I'm doing!"

"This is not about psychoanalyzing you, or convincing you to change your mind," the doctor assured. "It's about making sure this is what you want."

"I said I know what I'm doing!" Gabby was now leaning against the woman's desk and Matt had to stand up and he tried to placate her. When he grabbed her arms from behind though, Gabby flinched so hard, she elbowed him right in the stomach, choking the air right out of his lungs. She turned to him and her eyes were furious.

The doctor leaned toward Gabby. "I understand," she said with infinite patience. "Nonetheless, this is how we proceed. We conduct an interview on the first day, give the patient all the information she needs and let her consider her options for one more day."

"I have been considering, nonstop, for the past two months! I've made my decision."

"I understand. However we often meet women who change their mind at the last moment. If you're convinced about the decision to terminate this pregnancy, you will return tomorrow and tell me you were right. And then we will do it. Shall we continue now?"

"No! " Gabby screamed and stormed out of the room.

Matthew apologized hurriedly, caught a "no need to," when he was half-way out the door, and he ran after Gabby. He caught up with her in the corridor and found her crying, sobbing uncontrollably. She begged him to just take her home and he wrapped her in his arms and gently guided her out of the building.

* * *

Casey didn't understand – Kelly thought. He had no idea what his friendship with April had been about back in high school, how one-sided it was, how unreciprocated – oh his part. He owed so much to April and he couldn't give any of it back.

He drove up to the hospital and sat in his car for fifteen minutes, until he finally gathered up the courage to go into the ER and try to talk to her.

Yes, he owed her an explanation. But it didn't mean he would ask her for even more help.

She agreed to come out to the driveway for a minute.

"Well?" she urged, when he just stood there, hands in pockets, kicking the hole in the dirt on the side of the pavement.

He couldn't even look at her.

"I want us to be friends," he finally forced himself to say, but he kept looking at the tree tops in the distance. "I do, but I can't right now."

"Oh, right." April folded her arms on her chest, he caught it with the corner of his eye and somehow, their eyes locked.

And somehow the words flowed.

"There's something going on with me now, April. Okay? I didn't know, I couldn't predict that it would happen but it did. Bad timing. And I have to focus on that thing and I can't really offer you anything at the moment. I can't offer you my friendship. You-" He shook his head and spread his arms. "You have always been great and supportive. You helped me get through some of the hardest shit in my life. I mean... Back then. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you, I don't know where I would be, but..." He didn't want to think about it. He didn't even know why he digressed. "It seems I can never give anything back to you, first because I'm a coward and now..." He sighed. "Look, in a few months this will all blow over and then... Maybe then we can start again?"

"No." April replied simply and Kelly just stood there, stunned. Just like that? No? "Friendship doesn't work this way, Kelly. You can't plan to be friends later. You either are friends or you're not and if you can't accept my friendship and appreciate it now, then I don't want your friendship later." She sighed and broke eye contact, looked at her shoes. After a few heartbeats she lifted her gaze again. "Think it through, Kelly."

She turned around and walked back to the ER, leaving him alone and heart-broken.

But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't just tell her that he was sick, he couldn't expect her to stick by his side through this. He wouldn't want her to and he was pretty sure that if she knew, she would do just that, that's how April was, always helping others. He couldn't afford to be even more indebted to her.

Finally he took a deep breath and walked away, heading for chemotherapy day unit of the hospital. He had a tablet and some games with him now, but he couldn't focus. Watching the drops of the medication fall into the tube attached to his arm, he kept thinking about April, about how she must have felt, hurt by his lack of trust, lack of motivation. She was right, he had been the one to reach out and then, all of the sudden, he'd bailed again . It must have been confusing and he did owe her at least some clarification, but what was he supposed to tell her?

Still uncertain of what he would say, or even if he wanted to talk to her at all, he took the detour out of the hospital through the ER again. Maybe he wouldn't ran into her and then he would simply leave. Talk another time.

He wasn't so lucky. She was right there, in front of him, when he exited the lift.

"Back so soon?" she asked.

"No, I just..." He pointed back at the lift but the door already pinged closed. "You're not..."

"No, it can wait." Apparently she was willing to give him another chance despite everything she said before. Despite everything he did. She looked up at him, waiting.

"I just finished my treatment," he said stupidly, trying to explain his presence here as coincidental, even though it was anything but.

April furrowed her brow. "Treatment?"

Kelly shook his head. "You're right though," he changed the subject; started from another angle. "I was thinking about it. About what you said and what I... How I feel. And I figured you at least deserve to know why I feel the way I do. Why I think it's not a good time for me to try and rebuild our friendship. It's because I'm sick. So..." Suddenly he felt tears prickle in his eyes. "I can't. And if you can't wait, then don't." He finished quickly, passed by her and tried to walk away.

"Wait. Kelly..." she didn't let him. He stopped and she caught up. "I'm sorry."

"No. I… I don't..." he couldn't' face her. He just wished she let him go. He didn't want her to see him cry.

But she was April and April was relentless. "Is it serious?" She touched his arm and he had to squeeze his eyes tight to stop them from watering up. He still felt wetness on his cheeks. Wiped them angrily.

"Yeah." He nodded. "It's pretty serious. But..." He braced himself, squared his shoulders, lifted his head and tried to appear convincing. "I'm gonna beat it and... I don't know. I can start thinking about... everything else. Then. Right now I can't. I'm sorry."

"No, don't." April shook her head, her palm still on his arm. "It's okay." Her pager went off and she fumbled with it, annoyed, "I have to..."

"Yeah, sure." Saved by the bell. "Just," he stopped her for a moment more. "April... Guys at Fifty-One don't know. Chief does and Casey, but... Scott." He shook his head hoping she would understand. He wasn't sure if she and Rice had kept in touch at all in the recent years and how much she knew, so he added, "I don't want him to know. His wife died of cancer a year ago and I don't want to make him relive that.

"Sure."April nodded, already pressing the button to call the lift. "I get it, Kelly. And if you need anything. Really, I mean it – I'm here for you."

"Sure." He wouldn't ask, ever. But he couldn't tell her that, he didn't want to reject her any more than he already had.

She must have sensed it, because she reinforced, "I mean it," already half way into the wagon.

"I know. Thanks."

The door swooshed close and Kelly felt his head spinning. All he wanted was to get home, lie down in bed and forget that the world outside existed. He was worn out after the shift and the roller coaster of emotions now really didn't help.

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** Oh, boy, I should have known this might happen. Recent spoilers kind of gave me the idea that would be based on the same premise, but with slightly (well, a lot, ha) different character dynamics. And now I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to continue this story (and I know that five people like it, so that's an important argument too, as is having twelve chapters completed and waiting) and another part wants me to scrap it clean and start anew, probably after the finale. *le sigh* Oh, the option that there are going to be two stories is not going to fly, that's out of the ? *head!desk* I hate my brain sometimes.


	7. Often These Days

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **This one is brutal. Sorry about that and please, don't hate anyone …Unless it's me. You can totally hate me :(

* * *

**Chapter Seven  
Often These Days**

* * *

Kelly was certain he had asked Casey not to bring Gabby to their place today. She'd been a frequent guest lately, as the two had begun to rekindle their relationship, but Casey could give him this one day. Except not - Gabby was obviously more important than a roommate's comfort or lack thereof.

"What is she doing here?" Kelly confronted Matthew about it without even saying hello, without taking off his boots or jacket. He heard the voices, barged into the living room, saw them sitting on the couch, two birds chirping lovingly, and he lashed out right away.

"Well..." Casey lifted his eyes, startled, "she..."

Gabby was much quicker and more direct in her response. She spun and glared at Kelly, her expression provocative and sinister.

"Excuse me?" she seethed. "'_She_' is right here!"

Despite overwhelming weariness, Kelly still had fight in him.

"Okay," he responded matching her stare rage for rage. "What are _you_ doing here, Dawson?"

Casey stood up and took a step toward Kelly, trying to place himself between them.

"We had some things to discuss," he addressed Kelly but kept his hand near Gabby's arm, ready to catch her if the confrontation turned physical. "Gabby is my girlfriend and she has every right to be here. Get used to it."

"But... Today?" Kelly felt lightheaded. He had a more elaborate retort on the tip of his tongue but decided to restrain himself to only those two words. He felt chills on his nape.

"Well, I'm sorry," Casey's response came muffled, over the sound of his heart thudding in his ears.

Without another word, Kelly retreated to his room. He didn't need those two to watch him fall apart. Before he closed the door, his ears caught Gabby's angry "You're not going to leave it like this, are you?"

Kelly closed the door, sat on his bed, elbows on knees and hid his face in his hands. It didn't take long for Casey to follow Gabby's heed. He entered without knocking.

"I think you should apologize," he stated in a cold tone, arms folded on his chest and lips pursed.

"I think you should leave my room," Kelly retorted.

"Look, me and Gabby are back together, so, like it or not, she's going to be coming here more often now. This may not be her apartment at the moment, but she's a welcome guest and you had no right to treat her like you just did! You should apologize." Matt stepped away and opened the door wider, with a gesture indicating that Kelly should go ahead and do it right now.

Kelly would. He had reacted too harsh, let his frustrations get the better of him, he was well aware of that. The problem was, he still felt woozy, cold sweat making him shiver and his heart, despite beating slower, still rung in his ears. He couldn't get up right now without risking that he would just fall over and he couldn't make an idiot of himself like this. He couldn't even explain this, his head spinning and his mouth dry.

After a brief hesitation he decided for a curt, "Leave," knowing that the choice would gain him Casey's loathing, but at least it would save him from embarrassment.

Casey's eyes narrowed, nostrils flared but he didn't say anything more, instead turned away and stormed out of the room, not even bothering to close the door. Kelly waited before he stood up to shut them, the stifled but angry voices reaching his ears and making him wish he was anywhere else but in this house.

* * *

Matt wanted to scream and throw things. Last shift, especially how it ended, was a nightmare. Then he had to take his pregnant girlfriend to an abortion clinic and support her decision, even though everything in him cried against it. She didn't go through with the procedure, and Matt felt like dancing and singing and offering some sacrifice to any deity who would claim the interference.

But he couldn't because he promised to support Gabby's decision. He promised to support her. He had to share her conviction, at least on the outside and he wanted to, he could see how hard she struggled, how much it all pained her.

Kelly, with his attitude, really wasn't helping right now.

"Can we not think about him?" Casey had to pull Gabby down to make her sit back on the couch. He kept holding both her hands. "His manners, or lack of them, is irrelevant. What I was saying, is that the doctor didn't mean anything wrong," he tried to continue their earlier discussion.

"You're taking her side."

"I'm not taking anyone's side, Gabby. If anything, it's yours. They have been doing this for years, so I presume they know how to handle these situation. It's not so surprising that women sometimes change their mind at the last moment and they have to be prepared for that. Besides, I'm sure there are outside protocols, imposed on them, just like in any other field of medicine. You should know."

"I don't need you to try and convince me not to do it." Gabby turned her face away. It was like she hadn't heard a word he said.

"Am I doing that?" Matt struggled to remain patient. "I'm telling you that you should go back there tomorrow, go through the procedure, talk to them, acting calm and collected..."

"Because otherwise I appear like a loon, is that it?" she cut in.

"Gabby!

"I don't think I want to talk about it now."

Matt bit his lips. He was sure he didn't want to talk about it. He was sure he didn't want to be the one convincing Gabby to kill their child! No, he couldn't think that way, if he started to think that way, he would never be able to support her.

He sighed and wiped his face. Before he could say a word, Gabby pulled her hands from his, hugged him, whispered a "thank you" into his ear and let go.

"What do you want for dinner?" she asked out of the blue and Matt realized that the conversation was over. "I was thinking duck with red curry."

"You want to go out..."

"No. I want to cook. Cooking calms me down. But I have to go shopping first." She stood up not waiting for Matt, took her purse and left with a quick, "Be back in an hour."

Matt spent the next fifteen minutes just sitting on the couch and cooling down. When his head started dropping he moved to his bed and fell asleep before he even lay down.

He got awakened by risen voices in the kitchen. One look at his watch told him that he hadn't even slept two hours. He dragged himself out of bed and opened the door to see Severide leaning on the table, head bowed, eyes closed and Gabby in an apron, fuming and waving a wooden spoon. Vegetables and sauce sizzled in the wok and smelled so delicious that Matt salivated involuntarily.

"I am hungry," Gabby argued, "so I want to eat something. I had a shitty day, you know, and I'm really not in the mood to go out, so I'm cooking. And no, I am not going to throw out something I spent the better part of an hour fixing!"

Throw out? Matt's looked up alarmed. Did Kelly tell her to throw the food away? Was he insane?

"What are you..." he tried to intervene but was ignored.

"Look, I only asked." Kelly shook his head. "And I was polite about it."

"Polite?" Gabby blew out again. "Like, you come at me, with a fake apology for your shitty behavior and follow it immediately with some more shitty behavior? That's being polite?" She turned to Matt and informed him that, "He thinks saying my food stinks so bad it makes him sick is polite!"

"Well, I'm sorry!" Kelly stopped holding back. He took a step forward and hovered over Gabby. "I had a shitty day too, can you believe that?" he yelled and Casey neared them as well, instinctively, trying to protect his girlfriend. "All I wanted was to come back home and have some quiet, but I can't, because you..."

That was enough. "Hey, Kelly!" Matt grabbed his arm. "Chill, okay?"

"Home?" Gabriela obviously didn't need a defender. She closed the distance between the two of them even more, barely inches separating their faces, and she was intimidating even though she had to crane her head. "Your home? Don't forget, Severide, that I rented this apartment with Matt. And we let you live here for a couple of weeks, until you could get back on your feet, because you were so messed up! So how about you finally do that, huh? Grow up! Find your own place."

Well, that was not exactly the direction Casey wanted this conversation to go. Kelly didn't need to be forced into a homeless situation right now.

"Gabby, that's not necessary," he tried and was ignored again.

"Yeah?" Kelly asked and took a step back. His voice broke though and Matt looked up at his face, alarmed.

"If my cooking bothers you so much, why don't you just leave!" Gabby finished him off and Kelly didn't retaliate.

He was breathing fast, through open mouth and he was deathly pale, droplets of sweat beading above his upper lip and on his forehead. He shook his head, turned away and stumbled back to his room. Casey looked after him, then at Gabby, then after Severide again, as a realization hit him. He glanced one final time at Gabby and told her to turn off the heat under the wok.

"You're not serious," she mouthed, completely taken aback. She probably expected Matt to back her up but he disregarded her this time and followed Severide.

Found him in the bathroom, leaning over a sink, water running from the faucet and dripping down his nose and chin. He splashed his face again, as his whole body spasmed. He was obviously fighting nausea and Casey wanted to hit himself over the head that he hadn't noticed. That he hadn't remembered.

"It's been three weeks, hasn't it?" he asked.

"Not now, Casey." Was all the response he got. Kelly was solely focused on not throwing up.

"Did you take your pills?" Casey asked unnecessarily. "I'll go get your pills."

Gabby waited for him in the kitchen, food in the wok still sizzling and still smelling really good, but Casey could well imagine how it might grate Kelly's sense of smell after chemotherapy.

"Are you kidding me?" Gabby charged at him the moment she saw him. "It's not finished and you can't cool wok food in the middle of frying. It will be inedible."

She was right. She must have been right, but Matt really couldn't worry about it now. He had other things that he needed to take care of and he couldn't, because the damn vial wasn't in the medicine cabinet with all the other steroids and antibiotics and analgesics.

"Just do it," he told her wondering if Kelly could keep them in his room, in case he needed them.

"I can't believe you're taking his side!" Gabby uttered.

"This is not about taking sides here, Gabby. Please, give me some credit."

He didn't even look at her. He knew he should have. He knew, he should have explained, should have given her some reason as to why he was acting like this, but he couldn't figure out anything other than a blunt, "Kelly has cancer and I don't know what to do." But he couldn't do that, couldn't say that, because Kelly didn't want the truth about his condition out in the open and besides, Matt couldn't admit to not knowing what to do. He had to act, he had to find solution, that's how he operated, how he was trained, his whole life was about saving others, finding ways out of impossible situations and now he had two such situations on his plate, Kelly and Gabby, and he could only deal with one at a time and he didn't want to deal with either, but it was just like in a burning building. You don't want to go in, but you have to. So you do.

"I can't find them." He came into the bathroom to find Kelly seating on the edge of the bath tub, pale, face glistening with sweat, or maybe just water, his arms going up and down with each laborious breath. "I can't find your pills."

"I couldn't take them now anyway," Kelly rasped in response. "Every six hours and it's been less than two. Have to ride it out." He closed his eyes and nodded. "It's better." Took a couple of breaths and added. "I think it passed for now."

Matt wiped his face. Good. He would take Kelly's words at face value. He nodded. Second floor primary search completed. Time to move on to the first floor.

"I'll..." He waved his hand in a general direction of the kitchen.

"Go," Kelly breathed out. "I'm really sorry."

"I know."

When Matt returned to the living room though, Gabby was dressed and had her bag in her hand.

"What are you..." Casey gaped at her. "Where are you going?"

"You two have a great..." Gabby started and only then Matt realized that she was crying. "I don't know... boyfriends thing going on here!" She wiped her face angrily. "I'll just make myself sparse."

"Don't be ridiculous, Gabby." Matt came up to her, arms outstretched, but he let them fall to his sides before he reached her. Holding her now somehow felt inadequate. Insufficient. Too little too late.

"Oh, so now I'm being ridiculous?" she mocked, but the venom was gone from her voice, the words felt flat. She looked up, eyes shining with tears. "You know how nice it is to hear that the food you prepare makes someone sick?"

"You can't blame him for that." If she only knew. She wouldn't say any of that if she knew.

"Oh. Right."

He should tell her. "Gabby..." But he couldn't.

"No! No, I can't blame him." Gabby sniffed and shook her head. Turned to the door, then back to Matt. "Like I can't blame that doctor, is that right? Is what you told me, earlier, that the doctor wanted good for me and that I was being unreasonable?" She was staring at him and there was no anger in her face, not like before. Only sadness. Despair. "You think I don't know that you were happy? You think I don't know how much you agreed with her? You said it was for my own good, even though she treated me like a murderer."

"That's not how she..."

"And here, you're defending her again!" She hitched a sob. Wiped her face again but without as much conviction, clumsily. "This is why I can't be here right now. Because all of this," she waved her hand, "makes me think that she is right. When I need you the most, in every argument, you are against me." Her arms fell to her sides and she simply stood there, so desolate, so lonely. He wanted to hug her. But he couldn't move.

"Gabby, it's not what this is about," he managed to utter.

"Isn't it? Then prove it." Tears were now running down her face freely, she didn't care anymore. "Tell Kelly that if he doesn't like the smell, he's the one who should leave."

"Gabby..." This was something he couldn't do.

"See? You won't."

Not won't – can't. But she didn't wait. She turned around and left and Matt spoke to the closed door. "He really is sick."

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** 'kay. Feel free to send me hate now. I can take it. :(


	8. I Can't Tell Which Way You're Facing

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you so much for all the comments, but especially to all the Guests (and other unregistered users), because I can't thank you in a reply! All of you make me very, very happy. :)

* * *

**Chapter Eight  
I Can't Tell Which Way You're Facing  
**

* * *

"It's a lie," Gabby sobbed, wrapped tight in the arms of the only person who could understand her – her best friend, Sylvie. Or maybe it was because Sylvie was a woman too? Maybe only a woman could understand this dilemma? "That whole feminist myth about how 'your body belongs to you' is one big fat lie!"

"I know," Sylvie stroke her back. "Especially when you're religious."

"I am not." Gabby frowned and sat up. "Not really." She wiped her face.

"But you were brought up in a Catholic family, weren't you?" Sylvie handed her a box of tissues. "That way of thinking stays with you. My family wasn't Catholic, but my mom was very traditional anyway, believed in the sanctity of marriage, in virginity even."

"And that all life is sacred."

"Exactly."

Gabby wiped her eyes and nose and rumpled the tissue in her hand.

Sylvie sighed and put a tentative hand on her knee. "Maybe it's the wrong thing to say, Gabby, but all this, the abortion thing, it never really seemed like you. I didn't want to say it earlier, because you seemed so certain that you wanted to go through with this, but now you're hesitating..." she paused and Gabby felt a new wave of tears hit her.

"I know," she sobbed. "That's because I just respect life, you know? God, I work in a field that's all about saving lives. Somehow, I can't really think about this," she pointed at her belly, the tiny few-cells-big, totally dependent organism inside, "as something that's not-alive."

"It's an impossible choice." Sylvie patted her arm, face scrunched like she was about to cry as well.

"What would you have done?" Gabby asked her suddenly. "I mean what with the way you dealt with your almost-marriage, how you took matters into your own hands, just threw away all that traditional thinking. That was pretty badass."

Sylvie shook her head. "No, it's a totally different situation. I... can't really imagine what it would be like." She looked at Gabby long and hard. "Look. The marriage thing? I felt wounded, I felt betrayed, like an old rag doll or something, thrown away. So I had to prove that I mattered. I had to do something for myself, to make myself feel important. I don't see how that could be related." She bit her lower lip, visibly battling with herself. Then she braved, "There's something else though. When me and Mills were kidnapped..." She looked down at her lap, played with a ripped thread. "I haven't told anyone about this, but when Mills was trying to save that man's life... I encouraged him to let him die." She looked up and Gabby held her breath. Sylvie was serious. "So yeah, I valued my life, my safety actually, more than another man's life."

Gabby breathed in an out several times, just glaring at her friend. Sylvie was full of surprises.

"I had no idea about that..." she whispered, her lips numb, her head spinning.

"I said, I never told anybody. And Mills can keep a secret." Sylvie shrugged. "Anyway. If anything is comparable, this is."

"Well, yeah. Except..." Gabby shook her head. No, it wasn't anything similar and she was quite angry with herself that she never really sat Sylvie down to talk about the events of that day. It was neither here nor now though. "The baby doesn't want to kill me."

"It wants..." Sylvie hesitated, searched for another word. "Well, it doesn't want, but it will – it will take away a part of your life. Your dreams, your plans for the future."

This was all true. It was exactly the reason why Gabby wanted to have an abortion in the first place. She'd worked so hard to get where she was now and just because of a mistake, of stupid biology, it was all about to go to hell. She felt like a hostage of her own body. It wasn't fair.

"And you know what's the worst?" she asked no one in particular, but Sylvie squeezed her hand again. "Is that I understand Matt. I get it that he wants this child, I know why and a part of me wants to just make him happy, you know."

"It would all be so much easier if he could take this baby, put it in his stomach and carry it to term."

"Exactly."

Yes, this was something only a woman could understand.

* * *

This time Severide had to take one shift off. Frankly, after a whole night spent between the bathroom floor and Kelly's bed, and after the next day when Kelly barely got up at all, Matt was sure his sick roommate would need more than one day to recover, but he underestimated Kelly's stubbornness and stamina. As he was leaving on Friday morning, Kelly bid him farewell with a, "Tell Boden I'll be back Monday."

"We'll talk about it Sunday afternoon, okay?" Matt tried to deflect.

"I'll be fine."

"You're barely standing!"

"Which is why I'm going to get plenty of rest. "

"You sure you don't need me to call... Someone. To help you out, you know..."

"I'll be fine."

Matt gave up. There was no discussion with this mule.

He dreaded coming to the firehouse a little, what with his argument with Gabby unresolved but, to his surprise, she was the one who approached him first.

"I'm sorry about how I acted," she said. "I don't know what to do. I'm... I don't know, I think I'm fighting myself on this and I know you try to be supportive but you're not convincing about this." He wanted to respond, but she put up a hand and continued. "I do not blame you. I get it. You want something different than I do, so it's impossible for you to just ignore yourself, your own heart. Right?" She sighed and shook her head. "I don't know what to do," she shrugged, "but I'll figure it out."

"I really want to help you."

"I know. What's with Severide?" She changed the subject abruptly. "Heard he called in sick today."

Matt froze. He was not prepared for this question.

"He, uh..." Think! Figure something out!

"Does it have anything to do with how he was the other day? How... we argued?..." Gabby seemed genuinely upset. With Severide absent, she must have realized there had been more to Kelly making a fuss and that perhaps it had not been for-no-reason. Matt didn't want her to feel bad about Kelly, on top of everything else. Besides Kelly explicitly requested that no one at the Firehouse knew about his situation and Matt could understand it better than anyone, being a lieutenant himself.

"He had his wisdom tooth extracted on Wednesday," he blurted the first random thing that came to his mind. Gabby blinked at him a couple of times, dumbfounded. Good. Now, all he had to do, was to make it believable. "It really knocked him out," he said, "he was on painkillers all day. This is why he was so grumble-y, you know. And... He had told me beforehand that he was going to have it done and I forgot. Promised him that you wouldn't be there and he would have all the peace and quiet he needed and I didn't keep my word. So. It was basically my fault, all of it." And it was as close to the truth as he could get.

Gabby gave him a nod, a tight lipped smile and a squeeze on the hand. She sighed with an obvious relief.

"It's good, it's good." She patted his arm and started to turn away, with some, "I thought it was something else," on her lips.

Matt felt blood drain from his face.

"What do you mean?" He grabbed her elbow, perhaps a little too forcefully.

She looked up at him, startled. "Nothing, just... It's..." She shook her head. There was something else on her mind, obviously, than worry about Matt's odd behavior, because she didn't call him out on it. Instead, her eyes were searching for anything but his face. "It's a year, next week," she finally said in a barely audible voice. Bit her lips and met his eyes this time. He didn't understand, until she explained, "Since Shay..."

Oh, God. How could he forgot? But with everything falling apart around him...

"Gabby..."

"I'm... Good. Well, as good as can be, just... I remembered, then added two and two together and figured this was why Kelly was so... And I felt so bad about being mean to him."

Matt felt his eyes sting. The anniversary on top of everything else. He wondered how close to the truth Gabby really was. Did Kelly remember? He must have. And he hadn't said a word, typical Kelly. He pulled Gabby close and hugged her, so she wouldn't see his face.

* * *

Radiology was hogging up x-rays again. Fifth time this week. April could bet, if she went down there, she would find Craig Ruben responsible for the hold up. Granted, a broken tibia was not a life threatening emergency, but the patient was taking up a bed and a hospital was taking up his time. She had to tell that Craig guy to hit himself in the head real hard.

"It was not on purpose, April my darling," Craig apologized profusely. "Don't you believe me? I have your tibia right here, I'll get to the write-up in an instant. Oh, come on! Shelby had me help out with a CT for oncology when they hit some unexpected disturbances and it took longer than expected. Are you mad? Don't be mad."

But April's anger evaporated all of the sudden. The mention of oncology made her deflate; it hit too close to home. Or too distant maybe, she thought with bitterness. Kelly still hadn't spoken to her. At least now she knew why, but it didn't make it any better. Worse, if anything.

On her way to the lift April looked around. She couldn't tell if she was hoping to see him, if she expected him to be the patient Craig was talking about but it turned out that her instinct was correct this time. She spotted Matt Casey in one of the chairs in the corridor. She came up to him, uncertain.

"April!" He stood up to greet her, surprised. "What are you doing here?" he asked and corrected himself immediately. "Silly question, sorry. Of course, you work here."

"I do. What about you?" She tried, "Kelly?"

Matt furrowed his brow at her.

"He told me..." she started and hesitated. She couldn't remember if Casey knew. She only remembered that Kelly requested she didn't tell Scott. And that his Chief was in the loop, of course, but she wasn't sure about Casey.

To her relief Casey nodded, albeit with a sour expression. "Yeah, it's Kelly," he sighed rather than said. "They are getting him have some tests to determine further course of action. You know – treatments. He was tired after shift and asked me to bring him here."

"After shift? He's working?"

"Well, yeah. Skipped one shift after... but then he claimed to feel well enough."

April felt her blood boil. Didn't he understand what was at stake here? This was not just about 'feeling well enough'. Where were his doctors, did no one explain to him how chemo or radiotherapy – she didn't even know what kind of treatment he was getting – could compromise his immune system or blood clotting ability?

"Look, he needs it," Matt said in a low voice and touched her arm with the tips of his fingers. "If it were me, I think I would do it all exactly the same way."

April shook her head, but then... who was she to tell Kelly what to do. Not even his friend, apparently. "How is he doing?" She wanted to know, but Casey angled his chin.

"You can ask him."

She looked around to see Kelly amble down the corridor, toward them, his step uneven, uncertain.

"Hi," he said to her and April couldn't stop staring at his sheet-white lips and sunken eyes. "I need to sit down, if you don't mind?" He asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Sure."

Once he did, April took the chair next to him.

"How... how are you?" It was an awkward question to ask, one he must have been hearing too often, but she didn't have any better idea.

He looked up and... smiled. "Okay. Considering." His smile faded and he twisted his lips. "Never thought I was claustrophobic." He shook his head. "Never was claustrophobic."

"What?" Casey took a seat on his other side and now stared with disbelief.

"I know." Their eyes locked. They could understand each other without words. "How many tight places have we crawled into?"

"Under tons of debris. That could actually crush you if you weren't careful."

"Or even if you were."

"This is different," April cut in and fell silent. 'This is feeling helpless,' she thought, but didn't say it out loud. "I have to go back to work," she excused herself instead. "But, Kelly, I really need to know what's going on with you. Please. Can I..." she hesitated and exchanged understanding glance with Casey. "Can I keep in touch with Matt? Would you mind if I called him every now and again to ask how you feel?"

Kelly looked at her startled, for a moment, then turned a questioning look at Casey.

Casey shrugged. "I don't mind."

The look Kelly gave her in response was the most heartbreaking mix of gratitude, resentment, despair and helpless rage. But he agreed and she was glad of what little insight she was allowed to have from now on.

* * *

t.b.c.


	9. The More I Hold

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you again for the comments. :) They are the best reward there is. I usually reply to signed users privately, now I wanted reply to two unregistered ones, because there's no other way to respond...

To the Guest who said _"__CASEY WHUMP! CASEY WHUMP! CASEY WHUMP!"_ – I say – but there's a plenty stories out there, where Casey is whumped. Go, read them and enjoy! Casey is not going to get whumped here – he has his hands full without being whumped. Also, don't leave reviews that have nothing to do with the story and tell the author what they are supposed to write. It's impolite.

To the Guest who said: _"Like the Kelly parts and the Sevasey moments with concerned Casey looking out for his "brother." You said it would be a Kelly and his struggles story but it feels like you're turning it Dawsey. Please don't. We need to see more of Kelly, his treatment, missing work, April, etc."_ – this story is partially Dawsey, but their thing is not the main plot. Both Matt and Gabby are Kelly's friends so naturally they are here (and I want to think the story is richer for it). But no worries. There is a plenty of struggles coming for Kelly. :) And this chapter, for example, is almost all Kelly. I hope you will like it.

* * *

**Chapter Nine  
The More I Hold  
**

* * *

Kelly could have waited and get the test results on the same day, but he simply didn't have the strength to sit up straight. Twenty-four hours of shift, then the stress of being pulled into that machine, the feeling of being trapped... Kelly still shivered at the memory. All he wanted was to go back home and sleep for a month. Casey was right, he shouldn't have come back to work so soon, he should have taken one more shift off. Or more. Maybe he should have simply taken a medical leave but the mere idea made him want to cry. He didn't want to give up. He wasn't ready to give up.

It was still quite early when he woke up. He felt better, stronger, his head free of the fog that bothered him yesterday. Sun streaked through the gap in the curtains and brushed against the side of his face. He sat up with some reluctance, waited for a few heart beats before getting to his feet. No vertigo, no nausea. He was only thirsty.

Next to the kitchen he almost collided with Gabby, as she emerged from Casey's room.

"Uh, hi. I am..." they both started simultaneously. She was the one who completed the sentence. "I am sorry." She obviously didn't mean their bump right now.

"Yeah," Kelly breathed out. "I am too."

Gabby sighed with obvious relief. Then added, "Casey told me."

"He... What?"

Kelly felt his heart start to hammer in his chest.

"It's okay," Gabby smirked. "You're still badass to me, even if you act like a little boy scared of the dentist." She turned away from him and strode to the fridge, didn't see the indignation and then astonishment on his face. "See, he kind of forgot about your request," she continued while she rummaged the shelves. "That's because we have some stuff going on as well. I was..." She straightened up, scratched her neck. Still with her back to him. Kelly felt his stomach twist in an unpleasant way. "I am pregnant," Gabby revealed.

Then she faced him.

"I wanted to have an abortion," she added quickly. "That's why Casey forgot that you had your... thing... scheduled. Because I had... wanted to have..." She didn't even finish, like she couldn't say the word. Shook her head. "But it turned out that it was more complicated than that. They don't just do it, instead they tell you to think about it one more day and... well, anyway, I am apparently still thinking." She closed the fridge with a louder thud than was necessary. "Anyway. I am upset. I was really, really upset that day, that's why I argued with you. If I knew... I don't know, I probably wouldn't."

Kelly didn't know what to say.

"If I knew," he managed finally, "I would..." He wasn't really sure how he would have acted, what he would have said. Pregnant. Dawson and Casey were going to have a baby.

Except they weren't.

Kelly didn't want to make matters between him and Dawson worse, by some rude comment, so he excused himself, took a glass of water he came here for and retreated to his room.

When Casey came to check on him half-an-hour later, he couldn't hold himself back.

"So, that baby... you're just giving up?" he accused. "Without a fight?"

Casey shook his head and closed his eyes for a brief moment, presumably to switch gears.

"Sev, I'm past that phase." He sighed finally and paced down the length of the room to the window overlooking the inner patio. "I've taken a shot at convincing her, then understood, accepted reality for what it is, mourned. And I have moved on. I don't want to go back to that mindset." He turned back to look at his colleague and Kelly saw sadness in his eyes.

"I don't believe that you did," he pushed. "You always wanted to have children, wasn't that one of the reasons you and Hallie didn't work out? And what about Andy's kids? Damn it, man, when the boys were with you, you were the most fulfilled I've ever seen you! I kind of envied you that. You can't just give it up!"

"Could you be quiet. Gabby doesn't need to hear it."

"Oh, maybe she does!" He stood up and paced too. "Why does everything have to be about her and her feelings? You think I don't see how it all works between the two you? She wants a relationship, you have a relationship; she wants to make career, you're ready to sacrifice everything, including your own, to make that happen for her. Then she wants to break up and you just go along with it. And then punch holes the walls." He swung his arm in the general direction of Casey's little repair job in the hallway, from a few months ago.

Matt sighed and shook his head. "It's not why I came to you. It really is not your business and she shouldn't have told you."

"Yeah?" Kelly ran his hand through his hair and added. "Maybe you shouldn't have told her about my cancer either." It wasn't exactly true. Part of him was relieved that it was out in the open, at least at home. He was tired of pretending. He just really didn't want the word to spread to the whole house, he wasn't sure how his men would act around him once they knew he was sick. He was their leader. He was supposed to set an example, be the first in, the last out, the strongest, the fastest, the best. Would they trust that he still was? If they knew? Or would their confidence shatter?

He had to ask Gabby to keep it to herself. Matt...

Matt gaped at him, offended. "I didn't tell her."

"Well... She knew."

"How?"

"I don't know. She said you told her. So she wouldn't be mad about last Wednesday."

Matt furrowed his brow and shook his head rapidly. "What? No. Wait, no, I didn't. I mean I- uh," he stuttered, then finished quickly. "I told her that you had your wisdom tooth extracted."

"I had what?"

"And that you were on painkillers. Yeah. Sorry, I should have warned you. She was... I just didn't want to burden her any more, sorry about that. The truth would be..." he didn't finish, but Kelly understood all too well. "And, besides, I know that you don't want any awkward situations at the House. I am a lieutenant too, Kelly, I know how important it is that the men don't doubt you." Kelly nodded and stared at his hands. He was so damn lucky to have Casey on his side. Frankly, he was beginning to doubt himself, but if Casey still didn't... Geez, when did he become such a child? "So," he heard a smirk in his friend's voice and he looked up. "I had to figure out something and do it quickly." Casey shrugged, a corner of his lips timidly twisted upward.

"Wisdom tooth?" Kelly allowed himself a chuckle. "Clever." They both laughed.

"Good." Casey sighed. "Now, I don't want to ruin the mood, but I really came here to ask you if you don't need to get your test results back? And got a lecture on my own life choices instead."

"No." Kelly replied quickly.

"No?"

"I mean yes." Kelly closed his eyes. "I just don't know if I want to."

"Need company?"

"Would appreciate it."

* * *

"Three more?" Matt didn't manage to keep his frustration in check. "What do you mean, three more?"

They were walking through the parking lot to Casey's car parked in the corner, when Kelly finally said what the doctor had told him. For the first couple of minutes since exiting the doctor's office he walked in silence and Matt didn't want to push, didn't want to be more of a burden than Kelly already carried, but it was obvious the news wasn't good. Kelly's distress spread onto Matt.

"They told you, you'd have three treatments and that would be all. Next one was supposed to be the last, now they are talking about three more?" He stopped next to the car but forgot to click the door open.

Kelly closed his eyes and gripped the bridge of his nose. "It was not what they told me," he muttered.

"It's what you said!"

Kelly reached for the door handle only to find it closed.

"Could you, please?" he blew up and slammed his hand against the side of the car. Turned away, "Sorry."

"No. I am sorry." Casey pressed the button on the pilot and walked around the car to his door. "I shouldn't have pressured you," he said when they took their seats. He looked at Severide and saw him nod. "I just worry about you."

"I know." Kelly twisted his lips and looked at his hands. "I know you do and... It means a lot, it does." He met Matt's gaze. He looked ahead, sighed from the bottom of his lungs and took to explaining. "They never said it would be only three courses. They said it might. It's a standard treatment for a localized stage of this type of lymphoma, but my case is not typical. I don't know, when they go on that medical lingo I kind of tune out. It has something to do with that injury I'd had and that it was experimental treatment and apparently some inflammation process was going on and those cells turned malignant. Other tissues, not just lymphatic tissue is involved and that's why treatment may be more difficult. I knew that going in, I just tried being positive about it."

"Okay." Matt nodded and started the engine. "Okay. You'll get through this. And I will be with you the whole way."

"Thanks."

There wasn't more to say. Matthew drove away from the hospital parking lot and onto the busy Chicago street. They were almost half way to their house when he remembered Gabby's earlier request.

"Hey, uh..." He wasn't sure how Severide wasn't going to take it but this was exactly why Gabby wanted him to be the one asking, not her, or Herrmann or anybody else and Matt agreed. "Do you think you might come by Molly's this Friday?"

Kelly turned to him, brow furrowed. "Casey, I don't..." Shook his head.

"Look, I know." Casey breathed out. "I know you may not feel up to it, but..." He hesitated, then braved, "It's for Shay."

"Shay?"

"It's the... It's the anniversary."

Matt looked to the side and he could actually see blood drain from Kelly's face. He was pale already, now Matt realized that the phrase "sheet-white" was not just a figure of speech. Kelly was actually white.

"Oh my God," he breathed out. "It's today."

"Yeah." Matt hoped he was not going to faint or something. He kept talking, "The guys wanted to do it after shift, so Friday. It would mean a lot to everybody if you showed up, even for a moment. They all noticed that you haven't been there for quite some time. Both Herrmann and Otis asked. They didn't want to ask you directly, didn't want to upset you or anything, that's why I'm-"

"Yeah," Kelly finally cut in. He sat gripping the door handle, and staring at the road ahead, but his cheeks regained some color. "Yeah, I understand. Of course I'm gonna be there." Then he turned to look at Matt and he didn't even try to hide the tears in his eyes. "I can't believe it's been a year, I completely lost track of time."

* * *

First call on Thursday morning was a routine rescue of victims entrapped in a two-vehicle collision. A couple hours later Truck was called to a fire but they soon needed the assistance of the Rescue Squad. Staircase in a two-story family house collapsed, pinning Cruz under the debris. He escaped with a cut and a burn on his upper arm, where a nail pierced the sleeve of his jacket. Nonetheless the fervor of the action made everyone agitated and then, tired. Kelly more than he used to.

After they returned to the House, Boden called him into his office.

"Close the door," he growled. "And take a seat before you fall over."

"Chief?" Kelly asked, indignant, and remained standing just to make a point, even though he felt cold sweat trickle down his nape. He was a little dizzy too.

Boden glared at him for good ten seconds, before he sighed, cast his eyes downwards and shook his head.

"You think I don't see it?" He looked up again and this time his face bore no more anger, his features drawn in concern and sympathy. "Please, take a seat." Kelly pursed his lips and surrendered. "You think I don't see how you carry yourself after the action, how you lean against the truck, how you breathe? Kelly, it can't go on like this."

"Chief. If I know that I can't do my job, I will tell you. It's only been a week since the treatment, I took a shift off and this is only the second one I'm back. I feel better every day. I can work," he assured, then spread his arms. "What is it you want from me? I could promise you that I'll send Capp or Rice in, if we get another call, but other than that... You can't expect me to just quit and go home." Kelly closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. He realized he sounded somewhat desperate. If he wanted the Chief to believe him, he needed to get a grip on his nerves. He inhaled deep to calm himself down and met Boden's gaze again.

"I am not going to tell you to go home, Kelly," Boden said in a low voice. "But we need to figure out some way to deal with this. Maybe Rice being your replacement should be a more permanent fixture? His lieutenant status was revoked after that incident, wasn't it? I'm sure he wants to get it back." Of course Rice would want it, Boden was right. And presenting it this way, would avert everyone's attention from him. "Meanwhile you will stay out of the main action and train the situation assessment and troop management with me. That's what I'll tell everyone if they ask. I saw your name on the list for the Captain exams next month – you applied before... did you?" Boden pursed his lips and digressed. "Frankly, despite everything, I hope you'll take it, but that's another matter, we can talk about another time." he sighed. "If you're up to par, you may go in, we will deal with it on a call-to-call basis, but I make the ultimate decision. Do you understand?"

"I do," Kelly braved a response.

"This is only a temporary solution, though. Long term, I want to bring in a replacement with more Squad experience than Rice, to fill in for you."

Kelly felt his heart sink. Already?

Boden must have read his expression, because he put up both his hands. "Not right away, not next shift even. Maybe after your next chemo, when is it, in two weeks?" Kelly nodded. He didn't trust his voice enough to speak. "Kelly, I don't think you should be back to work as quickly as you did this time, or last. I think two shifts off is an absolute minimum, maybe three. You say you feel fine now, but I can see that you do not. You're not at your one-hundred percent, and I always tell each of you that if you are not at your one-hundred percent, you shouldn't walk through that door!" Boden's voice raised with each phrase and failed him in the end. He took a moment, let his words sink in. When Kelly didn't reply, he continued, softer, "I'm making an exception for you here, Kelly. Because I know that being here, being able to do your job, helps you fight. I go against my every rule. I am being your friend instead of your boss, but there's only so much I can do. There comes a moment when I have to draw a line. When I see you on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion, I draw a line." He leaned back in his chair and watched his subordinate. He was exaggerating, of course, Kelly was not on the verge of collapsing. But he was more tired than he should have been and his endurance was nowhere near that which was needed.

The whole idea seemed like a perfect solution, for time being at least. The Lieutenant remained next to the Chief during the calls, distributing manpower and tools, ordering even Casey around. Nobody bat an eyelash out in the field, but back at the House Herrmann couldn't stop himself from a few little jabs, until Casey told him to can it. Staying out of the most physically demanding jobs didn't make this day any less exhausting. In between calls Kelly found himself hitting his bunk and just staying in, trying – and unable – to sleep, praying that no one came in to disturb him. Casey did, once, received an unintelligible grumble and got his clue.

Next shift was going to be better, Kelly kept repeating to himself. He was feeling stronger every day. Except, during the shift he was getting weaker every hour. When the morning came, he was so worn out, his hands were shaking when he tried to put on his shoes.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	10. Leslie Shay

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **I'm overwhelmed by the response again. Thank you so much! Reviews give me wings, seriously, I now have fourteen chapters ready, three more in advanced-draft phase and plot to complete the story at about twenty two - twenty five chapters. I really hope you will like the rest as much as I do (even though sometimes it is hard to write). **Thank you all!**

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**Chapter Ten  
Leslie Shay  
**

* * *

Third time – second in a row – Kelly had to ask Casey to drive him home, because he didn't trust himself enough to do that. He was looking forward to sleeping for the rest of the day, but Casey reminded him about the evening's gathering.

"You're not going to bail, are you?" he asked tentatively.

"Of course not," Kelly sighed.

He had to figure out something. He couldn't afford not to. When they got home, he hid in his room and pulled out a phone. Stared at the picture of April Sexton for good ten minutes before he finally touched the "call" button.

She picked up after five beeps.

"Hey." Kelly almost hung up already. "Sorry, is it a bad time? Are you on shift?"

"No, it's okay, I just finished an all-nighter. I'm home. What's up?"

"You weren't sleeping, were you?"

"No, not yet. I was in a shower. It's alright," she assured, "I don't mind you calling. So, what is it?"

"I'm, uh..." Kelly's heart hammered in his chest. This was not a good idea at all, he shouldn't have called her, shouldn't ask. "Are you busy tonight?" he blurted, before he could do something silly, like hang up.

"Um, no," April drawled. "I have no plans." She waited a bit and added, "Do you?"

"Yeah." Kelly was grateful for the opening. "Yes, I have... I mean the guys from Fifty-One... A year ago..." He knew he was stammering, but there was no easy way to talk about it. "Something happened. Something bad and we... Well, we plan to gather at Molly's. I told you, that pub in Bucktown."

"Yeah. I remember. I said I wouldn't come," she teased.

"Because I suck." Kelly remembered with a small smile.

"Because you suck."

"Well. I was hoping... Maybe you changed your mind." Surprisingly, the little joke eased the tension and Kelly found himself honest with her for a change. "It would really mean a lot to me if you came. It's gonna be hard and I could use some support. I could use a friend."

She was silent for a heartbeat that felt a lot longer, then answered sincerely, "You got one. I am your friend, Kelly, and of course I'll be there. Do you want me to pick you up, or would you rather..."

"Yeah. Yes, that would be good, if you could pick me up. Six pm works for you?"

"I'll be there. Just text me the address."

* * *

She was more than willing to help Kelly with whatever he requested. She had to make that first step, had to make him feel that he could count on her. Nonetheless, pulling up under his apartment building, April felt nervous. He sounded really distraught over the phone and she had no idea what this was about, what was so upsetting about guys from his House meeting, what was the anniversary. She sent him a text with "I'm here," and waited. He showed up not two minutes later.

"Hey!" Squeezed himself into the passenger seat, his smile bright, eyes crinkling. "Tanks for this." He looked pale but otherwise quite alright, full of energy and maybe even happy. April wondered how much of it was a front behind which he was hiding.

"Really, it's not a big deal," she assured him again and put the car in gear. "I'll be happy to meet your colleagues in a different situation than a quick exchange of the victims' vitals." Kelly chuckled at that and April decided to breach the subject of her concern. "So, what is this gathering about." She cast him a quick glance and saw his smile vanish. "You mentioned anniversary. Of what?"

Kelly sighed and wiped his face. Let his hand fall to his lap. He was looking out the passenger window, half turned away from her, when he started talking, "Was a year ago this Wednesday... May 13th... we were called to a fire. An abandoned storage building." He fell silent for a moment and April didn't press. She listened to the engine rumble and other cars passing them by and finally he took a deep breath and went on, "There was a victim laying below the stairs and we called the paramedics in, Dawson and... Shay. Leslie Shay."

April knew that name. "I heard about her." She felt her stomach twist nervously. "Kendra sometimes speaks of her."

"They were friends," Kelly nodded, still not looking at her. "Shay... She and Dawson were working on the victim, when the explosion happened. We later found out that it was arson, the fire got to the accelerant and everything blew up to hell. It was a mess. We were all out cold. Some guys got injured and Shay... A beam fell and hit her in the head. I think it was instantaneous. We tried to resuscitate her, I mean Dawson did and then, when I came down, I remember..." He shook his head. "We were too late either way."

"I'm sorry," April whispered. Kelly nodded without a word. She understood why this was difficult for him but there was more to it, she could tell. "She must have been well liked by the people in your Firehouse."

"She was."

"But the way you speak about her..." She wasn't sure if she should ask, if she should dig, but she needed to know. "Were the two of you?..."

"What?" Kelly's head snapped up, brows furrowed. "No. We were never..." He closed his eyes and turned to look at the window again. "She was gay." After a brief moment he added, in a voice so soft, she barely caught it. "But we were roommates. And... friends. She was my best friend." Kelly wiped his face again and sighed in a way that made April realize he was trying really hard not to cry.

She didn't know what to say. She was his friend – used to be, long ago – but, obviously, what he and that paramedic, Leslie Shay had, was a lot more profound, a lot more important. Right now, he needed her and April realized that, despite their past, their history together, if she really wanted to be back in Kelly's life, she had quite huge shoes to fill.

* * *

Gabby was more anxious about this memorial than she probably should have. She wasn't thinking about Shay as often as she used to, damn, even when she'd found out she was pregnant, her first thought hadn't been to tell Shay.

Shay had wanted to have a baby. Gabby could remember very well how she and Severide had tried to go through with that artificial insemination process. It made her feel guilty. Where her best friend couldn't succeed, she now wanted to give up that chance.

One more thing to make her feel like crap.

Gabby slammed her hand against the counter in frustration and called Herrmann's unwanted attention to her. It was getting crowded and she thought nobody would take notice of her, but Herrmann wouldn't be Herrmann if he wasn't on her ass in an instant. And with a rag he used to clean up the spilled beer.

"Tough?" he asked, squeezing the rag into the sink. "You know, remembering her will always bring pain, but there were good moments too. We have to focus on that."

"I know Herrmann. And I do, I just haven't really thought about her in weeks and now... I realized that if she were here, she would hate me now." She felt tears well up in her eyes.

"Naaah, she would never." Herrmann threw the rag into the sink, put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a squash. "She loved ya'."

Gabby shook her head against his collarbone. "Herrmann," she whispered, "you have no idea."

"Yeah? I have some idea, Dawson." She felt his breath on her hair as he spoke, still holding her fast. "I've been at this job for too many years and... Don't forget that I have a family. Some things... You just feel. Other – you figure out. Add two and two together and you'll get three no matter how you swing it, girl."

Gabby pushed away and furrowed her brow at him. His math was off, he had to know that.

Herrmann only spread his hands. "The way Casey is always trying to keep you out of harms way, more so than ever before, even though you're technically not together? The way you sneak around and talk in hushed voices? There's a secret, Dawson, I can smell a secret from miles away. And if it is what I think it is, then it's a good thing." He poked her in the chest. She shook her head with a half-smile and that was enough of a confirmation for him. He grinned at her. "You'll be happy, you'll see. It always seems like a whole bunch of trouble at the beginning, but it's really the best thing in the world. Trust me, I know. I have five of them bunches."

Gabby couldn't help but chuckle. "Herrmann, seriously. You have no idea what you're talking about."

"Maybe not. And maybe Shay didn't have that kind of trouble, but she woulda' told you the exact same thing. And you know that."

Yeah. Gabby knew that. And that was part of the problem.

"One thing I can't figure out," Herrmann scratched his nape, "is how Severide fits into all that."

Gabby glanced up and then followed his gaze to the door. Kelly just came in, with that nurse friend of his – April. They stopped before one of Shay's pictures and he was telling her something. April asked a question, Kelly replied with a smile she hadn't seen on him in weeks.

"You know what, Herrmann?" She patted her partner's arm affectionately. "I can't figure out Severide either, if that makes you feel any better."

* * *

Seeing Shay smile – on a picture, but still a smile – was not as painful as Kelly had anticipated. It was bittersweet, if anything. And heartwarming in a strange way.

"She was beautiful," April commented.

"She was a great person," Kelly deflected. Shay's beauty was on the inside as much as on the outside. "Funny, brave. Headstrong. Sometimes too headstrong."

"I want to know more about her."

"I'm sure everyone here will tell you a plenty of stories."

They mingled with the crowd. First Mouch and Trudy waved them over to their table and Trudy found her match when she tried to intimidate the younger woman. Shortly after Otis joined them, eyes bloodshot. He threw his arm over Mouch's shoulders.

"I just remembered how you advised me to annoy them, so they'd want to get rid of me. When we lived together, remember?" He waved at Severide and sniffed. "It was so..." He shook his head.

Kelly didn't quite remember, but Mouch made a face like he swallowed a bug, eyes wide, mouth tightly clasped.

"What did you do, Randy McHolland?" Trudy asked in a scary voice.

"He told me to play bongos!" Otis nodded with all seriousness and Kelly burst with laughter.

"Oh, yes, that was rather annoying!"

"You're a horrible person, Randy McHolland," Trudy shook her head, disgusted.

Then Mills, at the next table, reminded everyone how they put him up to ask Shay to a date on his first day in the Firehouse, then Cruz told about how they bought her helmet after the accident she and Dawson were in. Capp told about the badass rescue from under the fallen tree that she pulled off. Shay's former partner of a few months, Rafferty – who was now a resident at Lakeshore – accepted Gabby's invitation too. She admitted that she wasn't very tolerant about Shay's "lesbianism", but Leslie had a way of turning everyone and she had no qualms about her right to be treated like a person. They all laughed remembering her complete lack of constraint where her body was concerned. Like, just because she didn't see anything sexually attractive in a bunch of men, it didn't even cross her mind that they might consider her attractive.

"Not that anyone would make a move," Mouch explained to April's terrified glare. Trudy only rolled her eyes, like she wanted to say, 'as if Mouch would make a move on anyone'.

April listened to all those stories avidly and so did Sylvie Brett.

"I replaced her on Ambo," she explained to April. "Never knew her, but had a pretty broad picture of what a character she was. Today I learned that I didn't even know half of it!"

"You're different," said Gabby, patting Sylvie's back. "You bring something else to the House. The hole Leslie left will never be filled, nor it should be." She raised a glass. "To Shay."

They all followed suit. Then they continued talking and laughing and reminiscing. Some tears were shed.

"I heard you guys suffered a loss not long ago too," Kelly asked Trudy and her face tensed. It took her a couple of heartbeats and really rapid blinking to control herself enough to take in another breath. Then she nodded but didn't say anything. That wound was still fresh. Kelly had heard some rumors about the PD investigation at the House then Casey filled him in about the Intelligence's aide, Nadia DeCotis's terrible death but the gist of it happened when he was on his day-off. He wondered how Erin was dealing with everything but he didn't think he was the right person to try and comfort her. They had fallen out since Shay's death and now he might only make matters worse for the mourning girl.

Trudy didn't seem like wanting to talk about it either, she leaned to Mouch and excused herself under the pretense of going to the bathroom. Soon after though, both of them left for home.

Kelly didn't feel so hot either He wiggled out of drinking beer, stuck to soda instead, but his head was swimming anyway.

"Are you alright, Lieutenant?" asked Mills, who took the spot previously occupied by Trudy. "You look like you're not all here."

"I'm..." Kelly shook his head and waved his hand in a meaningless loop.

"I know. It is a tough day. And maybe it's not the best moment, but maybe it is. I wanted to talk to you and Lieutenant Casey about something. Could we?..."

Kelly's attention perked up. They found Casey laughing with Rafferty and Cruz, grabbed him and, per Mills's request, went outside. It was late and it was cold, Kelly shivered in his leather jacket as the gust of wind hit him. The news Mills had, left him even colder.

The kid seemed happy though, if it was any consolation. His family inherited a restaurant, it was a great news for his mother who struggled since their old restaurant had burned down almost two years ago. His sister was in love with the place as well and it was obvious from the smile on Mills's face that he was pretty excited too. He liked cooking after all and feeding people.

"I think that I fulfilled my father's legacy here, I think he'd be proud of me. For that I will be forever grateful to all of you. But it's time for me to move on. I want to tell everyone next shift, but I wanted the two of you to be prepared. Chief already knows as well."

"Seems like you have decided." Casey extended his hand and shook Mills's. "That only leaves me with one choice and that is to wish you luck."

"Gonna miss you, Mills." Kelly was much less eloquent as he grabbed the kid in a tight embrace.

"You're not gonna cry, are you Lieutenant?" Mills chuckled and Kelly just patted his back with a small tense laugh.

"Good luck."

What more there was to say? As they were headed back to the pub Kelly grabbed Matt's elbow and had him wait for Mills to get inside.

"Could you..." he asked under his breath once they were alone, "Could you ask April to come out here? I'm tired, I'd like to go home."

Casey assessed him briefly, then nodded. "Sure thing."

"And... Thank Gabby for everything from me. And the guys. It's beautiful what they did today."

Matt grabbed his arm clumsily in an half-assed attempt at a hug, and restrained himself to a tight wordless squeeze. April joined Kelly outside in a minute and they drove home in silence. When she parked under his apartment building, Kelly wasn't sure what to do.

"Would you like to come in?" he tried, but April must have read his mind.

"Are you sure?" She smiled. "You would have to make me some tea, or serve me beer and we'd have to talk. You look like you just want to sleep, Kelly, not entertain me." She patted his thigh. "Go and get some rest. It was a tough evening. But lovely too and I'm really sad I didn't get to meet your best friend. I think I would have liked her."

"Yeah," Kelly smiled at her softly. "I'm sure she would have liked you too."

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** The two things that happened in canon were mentioned briefly here, because I need to clarify some things going forward. They aren't essential to the plot, so they're only skimmed over, but I wanted to avoid confusion.

Thank you for reading. :)


	11. Down in the Foreign Fields

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

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**A/N: **Dear Guest. I really like talking about the stuff I write but it's kind of hard when I don't know who you are. :) Anyway, to answer your doubts concerning my treatment of April and comparing her with Shay... First of all, Shay was one of my favorite female characters ever, right up there with Aeryn Sun. So. My personal feelings seep into the story, I can't help that and, well, I think it's part of the charm, actually.

Having said that, I like April too and I believe she has a chance to join my favs. Depends on how she's written and acted.

As for your claim that April was more important to Severide, because she helped him survive teenage years... I disagree. I have highschool friends and they are very important to me but if I haven't spoken to them or seen them in fifteen years, they kind of fade. Those who stand by my side now, matter more. BUT. Please, notice that it's not Kelly who compares April to Shay – it's April. In earlier chapters, when he and April interact, it doesn't even cross his mind. Here, he focuses on remembering Shay, of course – it's the anniversary of her death, so it's only natural. But when at the end April thinks (hopes) that she and Shay would like each other, Severide is SURE. He KNOWS. He puts April right there, on the same level as Shay. If she has doubts? Well, she has to work through them, doesn't she?

We don't know April all that well yet. And who says that she doesn't have some insecurities? They would only make her more human imo.

And last but not least, April is going to play a major role in the rest of this story. Shay – not so much.

On another note... Yes, personal feelings do seep through to the story and I'll make a confession – I didn't like Brittany. I never intended to make her into a bitch though, so no flaming, please. I really tried to give her justice in this chapter and give her the best, most positive ending I could come up with.

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**Chapter Eleven  
Down in the Foreign Fields  
**

* * *

"Casey!" Boden's voice froze Matt in place. He turned to see the Chief standing in the middle of the hallway, hands on his hips and his expression clearly telling that this was not going to be nice. "My office!" He turned and strolled away without waiting for Matt's acknowledgement.

What could this be about? It was past midnight, most of the men out in the bunks. He had seen Severide go to the Chief's office right after the last call, fifteen minutes ago. In fact he had seen them talk more often during the last couple of shifts and he now wondered if it had anything to do with Kelly's condition. Boden had him out of the main action in some of the calls too, made it look like he was showing Lieutenant Severide the ropes of firehouse leadership, but Casey knew what was the real reason. He wondered if the other guys had any suspicions. Did Chief want to bring Casey in on their arrangement? Or did he simply want to ask him how much Severide was hiding?

Severide wasn't in the office anymore.

"Take a seat, Lieutenant," Boden barked, walked around his desk and sat behind it himself. "I don't want no lies," he seethed. "I don't want no bullshit. Just a straight up, honest answer." Oh, boy, so this was about Severide. "What is wrong with Dawson?"

Matt opened his eyes wide and he must have opened his mouth as well, because Boden shook his head and rubbed his forehead with exasperation.

"Do something with your face, Lieutenant, 'cause you look like a dumbass."

"Sorry, Chief. I, uh, I was just surprised. Why do you ask about Dawson?"

"Because I see how you distribute your men – you protect her. Do you think your firefighters don't see that? Look, with what's going on with Severide, I really do not need any more disturbances of this sort. He, at least, came to me, to both of us, and told us exactly what was going on. Even if he hides some things – I know he does – he came clean. What you and Dawson are doing is unacceptable!" Chief actually slammed his hand on the desk with the last word. He glared at Casey and seethed in a voice lower in volume, but no less scary, "Don't lie to me."

What was he supposed to say? Matt sat opposite from his boss and stared at the nametag, thinking. Trying to think and unable to come up with the plausible lie. Or even with the way to tell the truth so that it would make sense and didn't result in any trouble for Gabriela. The Chief waited, just sat there and waited and when Casey looked up to meet his eyes, he saw fear in them. Fear that it was perhaps something similar to what had befallen Kelly, something scary and inevitable.

"She's pregnant," Matt revealed. "She didn't say anything, because she wants to have an abortion, so it really doesn't matter. Other than that, she feels fine. She is capable of performing her job duties similarly to other workers." Matt hesitated. If that was the case, then why was he delegating her to lighter duties? He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, lacing and unlacing his fingers. "I shouldn't have removed her from her usual tasks," he admitted and then, even though he had never been a sharing type, he somehow found himself spilling out all his fears and worries to his boss of all people. "I don't know Chief, she seems undecided. She wants to do it and then she backs away and I think I started to try and protect this child. The heat, the smoke inhalation, all we come in contact with can be harmful to a developing organism and I can't... I can't distance myself from that. I don't really know what to do." He looked up and spread his arms. "I want her to keep the baby, Chief. I want to be the father and I can't even talk to her, because it is her decision as a woman and then, I'm also her commanding officer and I'm forbidden by law from any interference. I don't know what to do anymore." Casey hid his face in his hands and the last sentence came out muffled but he didn't care. He just didn't want the tears he felt threatening, to spill.

Chief was saved from responding by the bell.

"Truck 81, Engine 51, Squad 3, Ambo 61 – apartment fire on 53 Walton Street."

"You'll be okay?" Boden was suddenly standing right next to Matt when he got to his feet, his heavy hand on his arm, grounding him. Matt sighed and nodded. "Keep her safe," the Chief told him. "For now, I don't know about anything."

* * *

Honestly, Kelly had no idea what he would have done if Boden hadn't come up with the idea that he was training him for promotion – fake as it was. In the morning before each shift he was feeling fine. Perfectly normal, no problem, finally. Every time. And then, as the day progressed, with each new call, he was growing more and more tired. Worn out. Exhausted. Granted, each day he could hold out longer, but he'd never lasted fit enough through the whole shift and at the end of it, he had to ask Casey to drive him home, because even trying to stand straight was too much of an effort.

Being at the perimeter, assessing the situation, watching the men go in and keeping them all in his head, their positions inside the building – or around the accident scene, whatever it was - giving orders, it was not a walk in the park either. But it wasn't physical, it didn't require real, tangible strength. What it required was iron focus and finally, a moment came when Kelly wasn't even able to do that. At least then, Boden was there to take over.

The problem was that, when it happened, when at the break of dawn the last call of the shift, at the three vehicles collision (Capp and Rice coordinating to cut off the roof; Casey with Otis assisting Brett with a victim trapped inside; Chili, the new girl, hanging upside down to aid a victim in another car, Herrmann at her side; Cruz along with Mouch already helping those from the least damaged car out to the ambulance that just pulled up) Kelly had to step away – he knew that this was all over. He felt lightheaded, his vision blurry, gear suddenly too heavy to carry it on his back.

"Sorry Chief," he managed to whisper, turned away and stumbled to the Squad truck. Leaned against the side, out of the sight of his colleagues, breathing like a fish out of water and fighting to stay conscious. He felt tears streaming down his cheeks but didn't even have the strength to wipe them away, didn't even care.

It didn't last long, a couple of minutes later, even before all the trapped victims were out of danger, Kelly's dizzy spell passed. He returned to the Chief, but Boden told him to stay back, not interfere and Kelly felt like slapped in the face. The two companies finished their job soon, gathered their gear and packed up to the trucks. When they all got back to the firehouse it was past their time, second shift ready in position, so all they had to do was clean up and head home. Kelly had one shift left before the next chemotherapy and he knew that, even if Chief let him work this one, he most likely wouldn't agree to him returning again after the treatment. He didn't even go to ask about it, for fear that Boden would just say that he was on medical leave, starting right now.

He slept all Sunday. He considered sleeping all Monday too, so he would be as rested as possible for the last shift, but life had other plans.

Casey wasn't home. He had some construction job on the side and then, probably, he was meeting Gabby, so when the doorbell rung, Kelly had to drag himself out of bed and open the door. He swore that if it was some salesman, he was going to punch him right in the mouth.

It was Brittany Baker.

Brittany Baker-Severide as they figured she would go by.

His wife.

"Hi," she said.

Somehow he thought he'd never see her again. Hadn't even thought about calling her when he'd learned he'd gotten sick. He probably should have, if for nothing else, then to give her divorce, release her from any obligations. And now she was here and Kelly's mind ran a-mile-a-minute wondering what brought her back to Chicago. Did she find out? Maybe Casey called her? Or maybe she just wanted to do good on that promise they'd made, back when she had been leaving, that she would be back, that it had not been over?

"May I come in?" She had to ask, because Kelly just stood there, completely thrown off.

"Sure." He stepped out of the way immediately, gestured for her to come in.

He noticed she had no suitcase, just a backpack and a netbook briefcase. She wasn't staying long, he though with a pang of worry.

"Would you like some coffee?" he offered. "I don't think I have anything more fancy."

"Coffee will be fine, thank you."

They went into the kitchen and Kelly filled the coffee maker meticulously, measured the right amount of ground beans, poured in the water, picked the cups. All the while they kept exchanging random details about the past months. Yes, firehouse was as busy as always. Her parents were fine, thank you. She got her old job back, unbelievable. But great.

When the coffee was ready Kelly poured two cups and placed one in front of her, sat beside the other. There was no stalling any longer, he had to ask.

"What brings you back here?"

She sighed. "There's no easy way to say it, Kelly, and I hope you won't be too upset about it," she started, reaching for his hand. Didn't take it in hers, merely rested the tips of her fingers against the side of his wrist. "It has been months. We have been apart longer now, than we were together." She fell silent, waited for some confirmation, obviously.

And when Kelly thought about it, remembered everything that he had been through since Brittany left, finding out about the arson and subsequent investigation into Shay's murder, nearly losing Brett and Mills, Boden's kid's birth and then the Chief's absence, the conflict with Chief Pridgeon, reuniting with Rice and then April. And, of course, getting ill. When he thought about it all, he couldn't not agree with her.

"We have moved on," he said the words she apparently wanted to hear, because they brought a smile on her face as she nodded. She was a little sad about it too, he had to give her credit, tears shone in her eyes, but most of all, she was happy.

"I will always remember you, Kelly." Now she grabbed his hand, squeezed it. "I wasn't lying when I said you saved my life. But that was then. I returned home and... Well, before I left, before the accident, I was dating someone. When Katherine died, I pushed him away, I didn't want to be happy, wanted to erase every good thing that had ever happened to me. Didn't think I deserved any of it. But when I got back, he was waiting, Kelly. He was waiting. First, when he found out I got married, he was mad at me, but then... Kelly, we are back together and he just asked me to marry him. To get a divorce and marry him."

"Of course," Kelly nodded, unable to say more. He pulled his hand out of her grip, under the pretense that he wanted to take a sip of his coffee. He needed a moment to get a hold of himself again. He was happy for her, of course he was. And he would give her that divorce, damn, a few minutes ago he was thinking that he should have already done it, what even?... Why then, why did he feel like his world was breaking into little, tiny pieces yet again?

"I am sorry, Kelly," Brittany said, reaching out once more, stroking his arm. "I feel bad about this. It seems I have really moved on and you... You still live with your friend and his fiancee. Are you... are you alright?"

"Yeah." Kelly replied hurriedly. What else was he supposed to tell her? That he was dying? "I'm fine, I'm... Gabby doesn't live here any longer, she and Matt are not engaged. She broke up with him." It was only partially true, things between them were... But it would put Brittany's mind at ease. "It's just me and Matt living here now. And the arrangement suits us, it really does."

"Oh, that's... that's good."

"Yeah. So. Where do you want me to sign?"

Brittany appeared startled by the question, even hesitant, as if it was too early to ask that – she hadn't even touched her coffee – but all in all, she wanted to have this behind her just as badly as he did. She pulled the papers out of her briefcase and handed them to him. Kelly didn't even read them too thoroughly, only skimmed through the text, found the place for a signature and wrote his name and date. He thought he was lucky Mouch didn't put his insurance and pension paperwork with her name on it through the system.

"Do you think..." Brittany asked, gathering the documents. "Do you think we could keep in touch?"

"No." He cut in before she even finished the question.

He definitely didn't want her to call, ask how he was, learn about everything. She didn't need this and he didn't want her forced compassion. He didn't want to talk to her at all.

She understood. She took her things and left, without even finishing her coffee. And he didn't move from the spot at the kitchen table for a long time. When Casey and Dawson came, some time later, they found him still sitting there, gripping his empty cup in his hands.

"Kelly? What happened? What's wrong? Are you okay?" They were asking over each other. Casey sat on his left, Dawson remained standing. She reached for the documents.

"I'm fine," Kelly managed finally. He looked up at Gabby. "Brittany was here," he said with a shrug.

"Divorce?"

"It had to happen. It's not what I'm upset about."

"It would be totally understandable if you were." Gabby smiled but her eyes remained wary.

Kelly shook his head and bowed down again. He didn't want to say it, but the words somehow poured out of his mouth. "It's that she said that I'm stuck. She's moving on with her life, getting married, for real this time, and I'm still living with... with you guys. Third wheel..." It wasn't even really about that. It wasn't like he had much choice given the circumstances.

"Kelly..." Matt tried but he didn't really know what to say.

"Look." Gabby took a seat on his right and put her hand on his shoulder. "You're doing pretty well too. You pulled yourself back together, you're living your life. So she's getting married, so what? I'm pretty sure if you wanted to get married, you'd be married already." He turned to look at her, disbelieving. Was this the same person who, three weeks ago, broke down, because he said her food smelled bad? Where did that optimism come from? She smiled at him and he remembered that she too was, in fact, his friend. "You have your whole life ahead of you, Kelly. You will move on. And, you know, if you need some encouragement to move out... I'll be happy to serve." She joked, of course, it was all in good faith. Except Kelly felt like ground under him opened up and he was falling and he couldn't breathe.

"No." He felt Casey's hand on his nape and heard his friend's voice barely breaking through the roar of blood in his ears. "That's not gonna happen. Kelly stays right where he is, for as long as he needs to."

"Look, I didn't mean it like..." Gabby started and cut herself off. She shook her head.

"I know," Matt said, still gripping Kelly's nape. "I know you didn't mean anything wrong, just... Kelly, you with me? You're not going anywhere, okay? It's just... It's not up for discussion."

"Of course," Gabby sighed. "I'm going to have a shower. You two obviously need to talk." She patted his back, then gave Matt a quick peck on the cheek.

Kelly watched her retreating back and all he could think was, 'I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for messing things up for the two of you, for being in the way, for not letting him, Matt, focus on you, Gabby. On that problem the two of you share and need to resolve. I'm sorry that he now sits here, with me. I shouldn't be here.'

"You know what she made me think about," he spoke to Casey, but kept watching the cup, kept playing with it, turning it between his fingers. "About my father. I haven't even called him yet. Him, or Katie. They don't know."

"Kelly. You don't... You don't have to. I mean they deserve to know, of course, but you'll tell them when you're ready, right? It's not like... They don't need to come here to take care of you, or anything. I am here."

"I know, Matt. I know and you have no idea how important this is for me. See, Katie, we've known each other for what? A year? And a change. And she has her stuff, I wouldn't even want her to give up on anything to come here, or to stay out there, in New York, and worry. I will have to tell her at some point, but as long as I can spare her, I will. And dad?" he sighed. It was so hard to explain his father to someone who didn't know him, but, remembering Casey's family history that was actually way worse than his, Kelly could count on him understanding. "I know I can't depend on him. I could ask him to come and he probably would, he would want to help, he would be eager to, but then... Then he would bail at the moment I would need him the most, you know. That how he is. So I... I can't. I have you. I know that, I'm... I'm grateful. It's... It's great, Matt, it's really, really great, this... knowing... that I can depend on you. It's amazing. And it sucks."

"Kelly..."

"No, really. It does. I have to tell her." He indicated Casey's bedroom, but Casey didn't understand.

"Her?"

"Gabby."

"You have to tell Gabby? I though you didn't want guys at the house to know."

But they would, Kelly thought. After this chemo, there was no way he was going to keep it a secret. He didn't say it out loud.

"It sucks for you that you have to weave and dodge before her. That you have to lie. And she's not stupid, she'll figure it out anyway."

"Yeah. She probably will. Do you want me to tell her?"

"No. No, I will. Just, not right now." Tomorrow, during shift he would find a moment and he would talk to her. He preferred that she heard it from him. Casey seemed to be of the same mind.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)

Please, no flame.


	12. Suddenly This Isn't True

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you all for all the comments, favorites and follows. They are incredibly important to me. :)

* * *

**Chapter Twelve  
Suddenly This Isn't True  
**

* * *

Gabby wasn't stupid. She knew that something was going on with Severide and it was not wisdom tooth or any other number of silly excuses. Damn, everyone at the house knew he was off, by now. Casey was obviously in on the mystery and probably so was Boden.

And speaking of mysteries and secrets, people were aware that she had one too. Herrmann had told her as much and, even though she trusted the secret was safe with him, the others weren't idiots either. The glare she got from Cruz after this morning's call was two degrees removed from indignant and when she entered the lounge Cruz, Otis and Mouch stopped talking and pretended to be busy with anything other than gossip about her.

She was fed up with this.

"Matt." She found him in the bathroom and perhaps there were better, more discreet places to have that conversation but Gabby was never one to plan very far ahead. "You need to stop doign this."

He opened the water.

"I'm doing what?" Had the audacity to look confused.

"Protect me. Treat me differently. You can't keep doing this for all kinds of reasons, but let me just point out one – it's against the rules and regulations."

Matt shook his head as he rinsed the soap from his hands. Turned off the water and reached for a paper towel. Obviously took the time to figure out the response.

"I am doing that," he finally said, "because I don't know what you want. I don't know what you plan to do, Gabby, and in case you decided to not go through with..." he made a meaningful gesture to avoid using the word in a place where they could, after all, be overheard, and finished. "I have to reduce your load."

"This is bullshit!" Gabby exploded and almost bit her tongue as the door to the bathroom opened.

Kelly Severide walked in, halted half-step, glared at Matt, then at Gabby, made a move like he wanted to walk back out, then changed his mind and neared the sink. Turned on the water and started to wash his hands, as if he wanted to say, "I'm not going anywhere so you may as well continue". Oh, he knew about everything so she might as well.

"I am capable of doing the same job as I was before," Gabby seethed at Matt through clenched teeth. "I am not disabled, or sick and you can't judge my ability to work on the fact that I'm pregnant alone. Read on it, Lieutenant."

"Maybe you should read too," Matt replied in a hushed voice, leaning over her. "Smoke inhalation is toxic, you risk an injury not only to yourself but to the baby as well. Damn, even heavy lifting may be a cause of miscarriage."

"Seriously, Casey?"

"Yes, seriously, because it's what? Eleventh week? If you haven't decided to go through with the abortion yet, then maybe you actually want to have this baby and if that's the case, it is my obligation to protect it." He still didn't raise his voice above an urgent whisper, but its intensity was enough for Gabby to feel like she was yelled at.

She had to bit her lips to prevent herself from crying. Severide finished washing his hands but he was wiping them now, meticulously, not intending to go anywhere, and he glared at her. Gabby hated having a witness for this conversation, but she started it, she had to put on a brave face.

"Didn't you think that maybe this is what I want? That maybe it would be easier this way, would take the responsibility off..." Tears pricked in her eyes and she blinked rapidly, trying to stop them from spilling.

"You'd only be lying to yourself." Severide had the nerve to speak up.

"Kelly, don't..." Matt put up a hand, but Severide just walked around him and faced Gabby.

"You think that putting yourself at a conscious risk of miscarry is in any way different than having an abortion?" he sneered into her face. "Hello, newsflash – it is not. "

Gabby's voice stuck in her throat. Taken aback, she stepped away from Kelly, frightened by how vicious he sounded.

"Kelly!" Casey pulled at his arm but Severide shook his hand off and stared at him.

"What?" He bared his teeth. "She needs to hear it. She needs to make up her mind. Either she wants to do it, or she doesn't."

"Really... Don't."

Kelly ignored Matt and turned to Gabby again.

"Listen, if you don't want to have this baby, it's your right." She had no idea where all that rage was coming from but he was seriously scaring her right now. "Just make your decision already. Go to the clinic and have the abortion, stop stringing him along."

"Severide, you need to leave!" Casey finally raised his voice.

It startled Kelly. He spread his arms. "Man, I'm just trying to help..."

"I don't need a representative." Gabby rarely saw Matt with that face. It was his 'attack my family and you'll regret it' face and it always worked. Always. "I can fight my own battles. Now get out." He didn't even have to raise his voice, he only pointed at the door and Kelly Severide begged off. He raised both his hands in surrender, shook his head and walked out of the bathroom, slamming the door.

And Gabby felt the dam break.

"He is right," she sobbed and ran out of the room through the opposite exit.

* * *

Way to go and ruin everything. Matt couldn't remember when he had been so pissed at Severide as in this moment.

He didn't want to talk to Gabby right now, not when she was so upset. Better give her space, let her confide in Brett or just resolve it on her own. Meanwhile, he was going to resolve his issue with Severide. He stormed through the entire house looking for him, only to find him in his own quarters, sitting on his bed, perhaps intending to lie down, but Matt ignored that notion.

"What the fuck was that?" he kicked off, having cannoned into the tiny room. "What the hell were you thinking, Severide?"

"What? I was just trying to help..."

"Help who?"

"You, man. Help you." Severide stood up. "You think I don't see what this is doing to you? And don't give me that bullshit about how you've moved on, because she doesn't let you move on."

"That's between me and her, don't you think? You had no right to speak to her like she's some monster! She's struggling with it too."

"Except there's nothing to struggle with! If she wants to do this, she should just do it, if she doesn't, she should admit it and not play it both ways. This is ridiculous. And cruel."

"It's not that easy."

"It is easy! Don't you see, Casey? She wants to shift responsibility on some random event that may or may not happen, when she should-"

"You have no idea. Okay? You have no idea what it's like. You... this is not some tumor!" Casey didn't know where those words came from, they were cruel and insensitive, but at the moment they felt like the best way to make Severide understand. "This is not cancer that you want to get rid of, no matter the price. This is a living being, a child and no one, ever, makes that decision lightly! Yes, it pains me, but it pains her a hundred times more!"

"That is enough!" Chief Boden's bellow brought Casey right back to Earth. He took a step back and looked around. The Chief was standing in the doorway to Severide's bunk, fuming with fury, teeth bared, hands on his hips. "You are lieutenants. Act like ones."

"I'm sorry, Chief," Kelly was first to apologize. "I'm sorry, Casey. I didn't mean..." He ran his hand through his hair and turned away, too shaken to continue the argument.

"Yeah." Matt wiped his face too, as if that could remove all the conflicting emotions that raged inside his chest. "I apologize too. I'd better go."

He passed the Chief, quickly and ran into his quarters. In the corner of his eye he saw Herrmann goading curious housemates out of the bunk room.

"Nothing to gawk about. The show is over. Go now, shoo."

He came into Casey's quarters a few minutes later and closed the door behind himself carefully.

"Baby – I knew about and if she wants..." He paused, made a weird gesture with his hands, even weirder face, then just summed it up, "I don't know what she wants but I figure, not my business, right?" Casey nodded. "Right. But that other thing... What you said... Cancer?"

Casey closed his eyes and sighed.

"It's really not for me to talk about." He opened his eyes and saw understanding in Herrmann's face.

"I get it," the older firefighter nodded.

"Give him time. When he's ready."

"Sure thing."

"How much did they hear?" Casey indicated the rest of the firehouse.

"Nothing. I saw you run around like a hunting dog on a mission, ran to get the Chief, just in case. They followed after him but I kept them outta door. Don't think anyone caught any specifics, but it won't be long till they do figure it out, you know."

Casey hid his face in his hands. He really was tired with all of this. Severide was right that Gabby being unsure played on his emotions but, strangely enough, that was actually bearable. It would soon be decided one way or another, there was a definite timetable and the fact that she was reluctant, gave Casey some hope that she would wait long enough for the abortion to no longer be an option. He now prayed that Severide's urging wasn't going to ruin that.

What was unbearable was Severide's own situation. And that's why he couldn't really blame him for blowing up at Dawson.

Herrmann just patted his back and walked out. Throughout the shift he, in no way, let Severide realize that he knew. By some strange blessing they had an easy shift this time around and there weren't more reasons for confrontation, but the atmosphere was tense. At the end of the shift Kelly caught up with Matt outside the locker room.

"Sorry again, man," he started and he really looked apologetic, Casey had to give him that. "I don't know what's gotten into me, I guess it's all that..."

"No need to explain," Matt cut in. "I get it."

"Thanks. Really. Look, I wanted to ask... I know I was supposed to talk to Dawson about... you know. But with all that. With how I acted, I didn't think she would take nicely to me and I didn't want her to feel... I don't know what I'm even trying to say."

"Kelly, look, I can talk to her, explain everything."

"No. No, I think it should come from me. I think I should tell everyone, but I want to do it on my terms, okay? When I'm... Look, I can't really plan very far ahead now. I have today to survive and then..." He shook his head, then braced himself. "Which is why I want to ask you to... not be home... when I'm back."

Matt gritted his teeth. This was getting ridiculous and now, what with Herrmann knowing...

He nodded. "Yeah, we'll stay at Sylvie's," he said. He didn't want to add to Severide's load, didn't want to argue his point right now. Instead he decided to tell Gabby without Kelly's permission. He would keep her at a distance, but it was time she knew. He however... "Don't worry about anything." He squeezed Severide's arm. "And Kelly? If you need anything, if you don't feel well... Call me, okay?"

"Yeah. I will. You may count on that."

As he turned to walk away, Kelly asked one last time, "Casey!"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For everything. You're... I don't know why you're still willing to handle me, but I'm really grateful that you are."

Matt wouldn't have it any other way.

"Just get better, asshole."

* * *

Ultimately Severide was right, Gabby thought. If she wanted to have an abortion she would have done it a long time ago. So, the conclusion was simple – she didn't want it. When she told Brett about this, Sylvie just hugged her and held her for at least five minutes. Gabby prayed for the bell to not ring yet, not for a moment longer, she needed that hug, she needed to cry out all her frustrations and fears and uncertainty.

"Shay said that being a firefighter was such a great opportunity for me. Career opportunity. And I wanted this, I really did and I still do. But maybe that's not all that matters?"

"Or maybe being pregnant does not have to mean giving up on that opportunity?" Brett supplied.

"How?"

"Simple. You take a break, now. Happens all the time, but when you give birth, you come back. I mean, couldn't Lieutenant Casey take maternity leave?"

"Ha!" Gabby didn't really consider that, but wouldn't it be a solution? They could maybe make it work. "I guess I'll have to have a talk with him about that." She wiped her face. She would talk to Matt. As soon as she'd be sure that the baby was really his, because there was still that little doubt hanging over her head.

After shift Casey asked her if they could crash at Sylvie's today. Not at his place.

"Trouble in paradise?" Gabby joked and Matt just shook his head. She sighed. "Look, about what Severide..."

"Look, uh..." Matt interrupted her and made a face that she could read rather well.

"You don't want to talk about him?" she guessed.

Matt sighed. "Not right this moment. Let's get home, have a shower, some of that herbal tea you make, maybe. Then we'll talk." He kissed her on the cheek and it was so intimate, Gabby felt her heart melt.

They did not talk however. Sylvie was going to come back later, probably in the afternoon at best, but when Gabby went to have a shower, Matt crashed on the couch in the living room. She didn't have the heart to wake him, instead she wrapped a blanket over his shoulders and sat next to him in an armchair, with a book. She must have fallen asleep too, because a sharp ringtone startled her out of the slumber. She opened her eyes to see Casey fumble with his phone and Kelly's picture pop up on screen.

"What the hell?" she mumbled. He was the last person she would expect to call Matt today. She didn't want her man to get upset and was about to tell him to discard the call, when Casey sat up on the edge of the couch, clearly alarmed.

"Kelly? What's going on?" he asked in urgent voice. Gabby stayed silent as Matt nodded. "Where are you?" He listened for a moment longer and declared, "Yeah, yeah sure, I'll pick you up, no problem. Where are you exactly, what ward is it?" Another few moments and, "Good. I'll be there in ten." He hung up and turned to Gabby. "I..." he waved his arm. "I gotta go."

Gabby wasn't going to argue. She tried to ask what this was about but Matt deflected her. He was in enough distress, so she quickly stopped prodding and promised that she would wait for him to call, later.

She wouldn't keep that promise though. She was tired with all the secrecy and she wasn't going to abide this time. She'd give them an hour to deal with whatever crisis Severide was in, run basic damage control, and then she would show up at the apartment and demand – no, request, she would be considerate – she would request an explanation.

Her heart was hammering like crazy in her chest. As she recalled worry on Matt's face, she realized he made her worried too, frightened even. She sat on the bed in an empty, silent apartment, clutching the discarded blanket and fought tears welling up in her eyes. It's just hormones, she thought, it's just hormones messing up with my emotions. Severide was going to be okay.

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** Sometimes I wish I could write something happy... *sigh*


	13. The Less Is Real

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** First of all, I'd like to say that _I'm really, truly sorry for the delay_. I got a surprise, urgent (and huge) translating job on the side, so I had to throw everything else away. Then, when I finished it, I had to catch up at my day work and at home and, well, I'm still somewhat behind on the former, so... Next chapters may not come up as frequently as before for a while. I hope you'll forgive me and that you will keep reading. Thank you for being such supportive, lovely readers so far. *hugs you all*

On another note - at the beginning of the story I warned I was not going to pull the punches. This chapter may be on the side of more graphic when it comes to descriptions of chemotherapy side-effects. Consider this **a warning**.

* * *

**Chapter Thirteen**  
**The Less Is Real**

* * *

Were they even home – Gabby wondered turning the key in the lock. She had her answer right away, as she heard muffled voices. Walked in quietly and took off her jacket and then she heard the sound of someone throwing up. She froze. The other voice was repeating something that sounded like, "it's okay, you're okay," on a loop.

They were in the bathroom, that much was obvious, but Gabby stopped in the living room and waited, not investigating any further, barely breathing as if the sound of her inhales and exhales might alert them. One of them was crying that he couldn't anymore and the other one just repeated a helpless "you're gonna be alright." She knew the one comforting was Matt and she realized exactly why she wasn't supposed to be here right now. Or three weeks ago. She finally guessed what this was about.

And she wouldn't go away. She might – just take her stuff and back out and pretend she was never here – but she wasn't going to do that. She waited for ten minutes. After a while she started checking her watch every thirty seconds, because it sure felt like hours. Her heart bled every time Kelly retched and moaned and Matt tried to console him but obviously couldn't. She was almost ready to get up and burst in there and tell them that they had to do something, call paramedics for example, paramedics were equipped to deal with such things, she should know… But she bit her knuckles and waited. She had never been on this side of such call, at home, with a sick person, trying to decide whether it is the right time to ask for help, or maybe we could handle it a little longer and avoid the hospital altogether. If she knew Kelly, this was what he wanted.

"I don't care!" Matt benged-open the door. "I'm gonna give you that shot!"

Gabby sprung to her feet.

He took a few steps across the apartment before he noticed her. He stopped, hesitated, uttered a "hey..." and so did she. Then he shook his head and strode to the kitchen with a purpose.

Gabby followed him.

"How bad is it?" she demanded.

"Bad." Matt bit his lips. "He started on the way home, in the car, so he's been at it," glanced at his watch, "almost two hours now." He opened a pharmacy bag and pulled out a vial and a syringe and took to studying the leaflet and shaking his head.

"What do you want to give him?" Gabby started but Matt spoke, "Have you ever had a call like that?" at the same moment. Their eyes met, equally worked up, fretful but he was the one who added, "prolonged vomiting."

Wasn't she just thinking about it? Of course she had, plenty of times.

"What do you do then?"

Oh, Matthew. Gabby closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

"First I need history." She looked him straight in the eye. "Do you know what caused it?"

"I do," Matt nodded and disclosed – the answer Gabby already suspected, but was afraid to put a name to it, "Chemotherapy."

Even though she had figured it out, the confirmation was like a punch to the gut. She reached for the vial without a word, didn't trust her voice just yet. Chemotherapy. Kelly Severide had chemotherapy and was now throwing his guts out because of it. And they made her think he was on painkillers because of some tooth extraction. She wanted to throw this vial at Matt right now and scream. She couldn't read the label, it was all blurry.

"Gabby..." Matt begun but she stopped him.

"No, I'm okay." She blinked the tears away. "This?" she indicated the vial. "It's not for home use. It's what I would use if I was on ambo, or at the hospital. How did you get it?"

"April did. I asked her, told her that last time he had it pretty rough and she talked to his doctor. He made her promise that she would be the one to administer it, but she's only going to get here at six and he's..." Matt spread his hands, helpless and pleading. "You might though?"

"I'm not a paramedic here, Matt. I'm not a paramedic, period, I'm a firefighter, but that's not the point, I'm certified. The problem is I don't have any... any equipment. Vital signs, oxygen, IV saline. He must have gotten some antiemetics before chemotherapy, do you know when? what? what dose?" Matt shook his head, bit his lips. "What is his prescription antiemetic?"

"Pills." He reached to the cupboard and handed her the vial. "But they are not enough, besides he can't keep anything in. Damn it, Gabby, I tried giving him water, thought he would at least have something to throw up, instead of dry heaving, and it got so violent, he almost fuckin' choke!" He stopped, hid his face in his hands. "I'm sorry."

They heard the sound of retching again. Casey opened his arms in a helpless gesture. "He stops for like five minutes and starts again. Gabby, what could possibly happen if you give him that shot?"

"How about anaphilactic reaction?"

"Oh. No, that wouldn't happen – he's gotten that already, that's the same thing they're giving him before chemo."

"You said you didn't know."

"I forgot, geez, Gabby! I don't know, really. I heard the doc telling April that's what they were giving him. Please, just... If you don't do it, I will, I know how, I just thought you would be, I don't know, gentler."

He took the vial from her hand, quite forcefully and strode to the bathroom. The noises Kelly made didn't make things any easier for Gabby. Damn, when she had to treat a stranger, before giving them to the hospital staff, nothing phased her, blood, vomit, severed body parts. Now, she felt her stomach revolt. She followed Matt.

She found him lifting Kelly from the floor and trying to wipe his face with a washcloth, in an awkward position. The syringe lay discarded on the sink. "Come on, man," Matt kept muttering, but Kelly was limp, unresponsive, eyes closed, breathing hard, his face a disturbing shade of gray, struggling to stay just on this side of sanity. His head fell back to Matt's shoulder and he gagged. "Easy now," Matt whispered to his ear and lifted pleading eyes at Gabby.

She sighed. Kelly Severide was her friend. He needed her. He was strong, he was not afraid of anything, badass to the point of lunacy and he didn't deserve to be reduced to a sobbing heap of skin and bones. Gabby reached for the syringe and drew in the medication, calculating for mass and height in her head, then she crouched next to Severide's knee.

"Kelly?" She gently touched his thigh. "It's me, Gabby, can you hear me?"

He cracked open his eyes and searched for the source of the voice, tried to lift his head. His brow creased in effort.

"I'm going to give you an injection," Gabby explained. "Intramuscularly. Is that okay? It will help with the nausea."

"Just make it... Stop..." Kelly stuttered between stifled gags. All secrecy that had mattered to him so much, now completely forgotten.

Having obtained his consent, Gabby instructed him – or rather Matt who kept holding him in a half-seated position – to lean to the side and pull his sweatpants down a couple of inches. He didn't even flinch when she wiped the site and plunged the syringe in.

"It should help in a few minutes," she addressed Kelly and he nodded in acknowledgement, eyes still shut tight, supported by Matt's arms. She turned to Matt, "We should get him into bed."

It didn't happen right away. Kelly was reluctant to leave his sentry at the toilet bowl and when they finally convinced him that he was not going to stain the sheets, the few-meters-long trip took them even more time. When he finally slumped against the pillows – "On your side, Kelly, turn on your side," – he was shivering from exhaustion. Gabby demanded a thermometer and Matt brought not only that, but also sphygmometer.

"You didn't say you had one!" She had asked to be able to monitor Severide's vital signs and Matt never mentioned this little device.

"April told me to get one..." he started but she waved him to shut up.

In the end Kelly's blood pressure, breathing and pulse were within acceptable parameters, with only his temperature slightly below the norm. It was better than fever but still Gabby needed to keep an eye on that.

He fell asleep, that was one blessing.

* * *

"So," Gabby started, glaring into the immeasurable depths of the tea cup Matt placed in front of her, when they finally braved to sit down in the kitchen, a corridor separating them from their charge. Severide was asleep but it was a few minutes before they found the courage to leave him alone, almost as if he was their little baby that they had to watch over. The comparison in Gabby's head was weird, if not outright disturbing but it seemed that overprotectiveness was Matt's second nature these days. "So," she repeated. "I decided to keep the baby after all."

Matt sat straight as a pole and glared at her, blinking. He lifted his hand, "Because of this?" Waved it in a circular motion and let it fall to his lap.

"No. I have decided yesterday, just... Wanted to give myself another day to see if the idea would stick, but now I think that it will stick. We're gonna have a baby, Matt."

"Great." Somehow she expected more enthusiasm.

"Of course," something enticed her to rub some salt into that potential wound. "I still have to take the paternity test..."

"No!" Matt cut in. "Please don't," he added calmer. "I don't want to know, I don't care, really. I'm... I am happy, Gabby, I'm glad you decided this way, I just..." He bowed and sighed from the bottom of his lungs. "Today..." He hid his face in his hands, wiped it so hard, he left red imprints of his fingers on his cheeks and forehead, then just shook his head. Words were not necessary. Gabby glared at the vanishing marks and he repeated, "I am happy."

"I know," she said. "Me too. Kind of. Or, I will be."

But she needed to know. She understood why he didn't, but she had to know for sure that he was the father of her baby and she was going to do the test, whether he wanted it or not. She might not tell him, but she needed to know.

Severide woke up fifteen minutes later, dry heaving again. His lips were chapped and he was not sweating anymore. Gabby tried to push some water into him – slowly, spoon by spoon – but only managed three sips before he pursed his lips and turned away.

At five Otis called – Matt was with Kelly at the moment, trying to talk him into eating some oatmeal, two spoons, anything – and Gabby was cleaning the dishes after their hasty dinner that consisted of boiled string-bean and eggs.

"Where are you?" Otis stroke off the bat. "Didn't you hear Herrmann say he'd be later today? How am I supposed to run the bar all on my own? When are you coming?"

Gabby closed her eyes and counted to five. "I'm busy Otis," she said.

"Busy?"

"Yes busy!" apparently there was a reason they said you should count to ten, cheating didn't pay off in this case. "And no, I didn't hear Herrmann say he'd be late, I had other things on my plate and now, I'm really sorry Otis, but a friend of mine got sick." He's a friend of yours too, she wanted to scream but restrained herself. "I have to stay and help him a bit. So, no, I am not coming today. At all."

"What? So what am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, get Cruz to help you! He's gonna be there anyway, he probably is already!" Otis's grunt all but confirmed her suspicion. "He learns quick. Just don't let him treat every girl he wants to date on the house. I will call Sylvie too, or maybe better Chili. Look, Otis, I'm sorry, okay? It's an emergency, and I lost track of time." She sighed. "It's bad," she admitted. She could do that, at least.

"Okay." Otis's tone was much more amiable. "Okay. I'll take care of everything. You don't have to call Chili, I'll do that. She should get the hang of it pretty quick. You just... You take care of your friend."

"Thanks Otis."

"But you'll owe me."

Gabby only sighed, didn't respond.

April came an hour later and brought a bag of saline with all the gear needed for an IV drip, the stand, set of needles, gauzes and disinfectants.

"I thought he might get dehydrated if things were as bad as Casey had described it," she said. "We'd better keep him away from the hospital for as long as we can, am I right?"

She set everything up, didn't even bat an eye when they told her they'd already given him the injection of the antiemetic drug, instead complemented Gabby on monitoring his blood pressure.

"You're gonna be fine," she told Kelly, as she sat beside him on his bed, when everything was ready and he started dozing off again. Gabby just stood by and watched the scene and it made her want to cry, but at the same time, strangely, it made her warm around the heart. "You're in good hands." April looked up at Gabby, the corners of her lips upturned. Then she stroke Kelly's temple and a lock of his hair remained between her fingers.

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** Thank you for reading. :)


	14. The Same Joy, the Same Sadness

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-  
**_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **Again, I apologize for the long wait. Work is something crazy these days. I'm looking forward to some vacation time in the upcoming weeks, I hope I can catch up with the story then. Thank you for sticking with me despite those breaks, you guys are wonderful.

At least - this one is long. :)

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen**  
**The Same Joy, the Same Sadness**

* * *

Losing his hair wasn't nearly as tragic as Kelly had anticipated back when he'd first tried to imagine the effects chemotherapy would have on his body. Somehow he had feared this, perhaps more than weakness and vomiting and all else. Now he stood in front of the mirror and stared at clumps of thin feather-like hair sticking from his skull and he didn't care. It was early morning, third day after chemo. The last forty-something hours felt like a blur.

He grabbed the shaver and turned it on. He might as well just give up the pretense.

"Kelly?" Matt had to interrupt.

Kelly turned off the shaver and sighed, "Yeah?"

"I got you, uh... You gotta take Prednisone." He stood in the doorway, a small plastic cup with a pill in it in one hand, glass of water in the other. He waited.

Kelly shook his head. "I'll take it." It took an effort to restrain himself, to not blow up, just leave me the hell alone, I'm an adult I can take my pills myself. Casey didn't deserve it, he was only trying to help. "Leave it in the kitchen, I'll take it. Later." He wanted to finish what he started.

"You're shaving your head?" Matt asked the obvious.

Breath in, breath out. "Yeah."

"Okay." Anything else? "Look, uh, I gotta go." Then why don't you? Matt stepped from one foot to the other, still in the bathroom doorway. "April should be here in a few minutes."

"I know. She doesn't have to though."

"She offered. And I will feel safer knowing that you're not alone."

Yeah. Kelly could do it for Matt. To put his mind at ease. He didn't need a babysitter but if Matt believed that he did, he was going to comply. He nodded without looking at Casey, hoping that his roommate would finally take the hint.

Casey had to leave if he didn't want to be late for shift. At least he made Gabby go someplace else, to Sylvie's probably, sometime yesterday. Early afternoon perhaps, Kelly couldn't remember clearly. Gabby was heaven-sent. Of course April brought all the stuff, drips, meds, but she had to work yesterday, so she didn't stay the night – Gabby and Matt did. And, angry as he was at being helpless and needing them, Kelly was also glad that at no point, through all the pain and misery of the last two days, not for one moment he was alone. One of them was with him whenever he opened his eyes.

Matt was still with him, like he couldn't bring himself to leave.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, still fiddling with the cup and the glass.

Kelly left the shaver on the sink and neared his roommate, took the pill from his hands, dry swallowed it and handed him the cup back. Ignored the water. "Thanks. And I'm feeling fine. Fine enough, alright? You can go. You should go."

"You're not nauseous?"

"I am nauseous. I am tired and I am irritated and your cooing really isn't helping. Besides I really don't want you to be late for shift."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I'm out." Matt turned away, then turned back. "You should drink though." He placed the glass on the sink and left, closing the door behind him. A few moments later Kelly heard the door to the apartment open and close as Casey finally went to work.

April indeed showed up half an hour later. Kelly made it a point to look decent for when she came, to not appear sick. Jeans and t-shirt, a beanie on his now bald head. Strangely enough he had energy, no idea where it came from.

"You should be resting," April welcomed him, unloading a handful of supplies on the kitchen table.

Kelly ignored her reprimand; he wasn't going to let her ruin his mood. "What do you have here?"

"Whole grain bread, whole grain pasta," she started reciting, "organic tomatoes, organic garlic, some berries – it's a season for berries and you should eat lots of them, they fight free radicals. This cheese, my mom buys it in that small family store at her street, she says they have all the fresh produce and most of it from small organic farms outside of Chicago. Milk too and butter, real butter, not some trans-fat garbage. I'm going to make you pasta with tomato sauce and garlic, you'll love it. Olive oil. I even got basil and oregano." She placed the last items from her bags – two bushes of some green-leaved plants – on the table and looked up at him, beaming.

He wasn't hungry, but he couldn't disappoint her like this, so he nodded. The table was full of groceries and it looked great, everything fresh and blooming, but... too much. It was too much, it was overflowing and it was chaos and the smells, mixing, they were making him dizzy. Kelly hadn't thrown up since yesterday afternoon – granted he hadn't eaten much – but right this moment he feared he was about to...

"Excuse me," he managed and walked away in haste.

April didn't seem offended by his reaction. When he emerged back from his room after a couple quarters – he just couldn't sit still – she didn't mention it. Instead she scolded him for not resting enough.

"I've been doing nothing but staying in bed the last couple of days," he replied, leaning against the kitchen counter. April was in the middle of chopping onions. "I'm tired of it!"

"You are tired alright." April waved a knife at him. "But it's because you were working. I told you, you should have taken a medical leave."

"I didn't want to," Kelly muttered, but April apparently didn't hear him.

"It all accumulates and your body can only handle so much. Your job is extremely physically demanding and those treatments are a burden too. At some point it all just becomes too much."

"I think I know that," he said, louder this time, and angrier. But she kept going.

"I can assume even your nausea might not be that severe if you just let yourself take a break."

"I don't..." He slammed his hand against the counter and paused, seeing her flinch. Completed the sentence in a quieter voice, "need a lecture."

"I'm sorry." April looked at her feet. She sighed, took a deep breath. "I am sorry." Returned to her onions and if she sniffed a little, she could always blame it on the vegetable.

Kelly left her alone for a while. It was better if they didn't discuss too much, so he just turned on the tv and tried to watch it, but it only made him more restless.

"I'm going for a walk," he announced eventually, expecting another reprimand, but to his surprise April nodded with approval.

"That's a good idea. It's a great idea, actually. Let me just turn off..."

"Alone," he cut in, because he guessed what she was about to say. April froze with her hand over the sizzling onions in the pan and her mouth hanging open.

"Oh," she let out. "Okay." Before he put on his shoes and jacket she reigned in her disappointment enough to add, "Just take your phone with you, please."

He drove down to the park and just sat there, watching the lake and feeling the breeze on his face. April only called once to check on him, during the two hours he was outside. When he returned she started talking about how proud she was of him and that attitude was really important and that it was great that he didn't let it drag him down, that he was fighting it, like, the fact that he shaved his head was a sign that he was taking control of it. Kelly tried to tune her out for the most part, sat on the couch and pretended to watch tv again, but she obviously expected some reaction, she prodded, time and again and finally he couldn't hold back.

"It – is called cancer."

"I– know." April stuttered. "I know, Kelly and I'm trying to be supportive here. But you shut me out."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know. Talk to me. Tell me what's bothering you. I need to know, otherwise I just... I don't know what to do and I'm doing all the wrong things, apparently."

Kelly closed his eyes while she spoke and her voice died down eventually. When he looked up he saw her face was stained with tears.

"Like now," she uttered. "What am I doing wrong again?"

"I don't know." Kelly shrugged. He didn't want to be the cause of her getting upset and that thought suddenly made him so incredibly angry at her that he had to get up and pace a few steps away. Blood thudded in his ears and he felt his hands shake.

"Maybe I'm not the person you'd rather see here," April said and it broke a dam.

"Yeah." She was right. Ultimately, she was right, because she didn't know him, she used to know the messed up teenager he used to be but she didn't know the adult him, the him who didn't confide in others, who needed to be damn well left alone when he was hurting. Shay knew him. Shay who set the rule of them "not getting into each other's business", who helped but asked no questions, gave no advices. Yes, damn it, he needed Shay. If she was here...

"You know, it wouldn't be any different," April said, like she could read his mind, quiet now and composed. "You would have found a way to have a grudge with her too. You're just angry at everything, at the world and you take it out on the people closest to you. And I get it. I get why. But I can't take it from you. If we are to be any sort of friends, you're gonna have to respect me. And, as hard as it is for me to admit it, you were probably right, this wasn't the right time, the right circumstances to rebuild anything between us." She took a few steps closer to him and placed her hand on his chest. "This is not any sort of punishment, Kelly, but I have to step away. For our both good. I am overbearing, I can see that, but that's how I am and I won't change. Neither will you and I don't expect it." She shrugged and let go. "We just don't mesh well together, Kelly, and I know when to quit. But if you need me, anything at the hospital – the offer still stands. One call and I'm there. This babysitting business? It doesn't work for either of us."

Kelly just glared at her while she spoke and he couldn't get over how on-point she was. How well she – in fact – knew him.

"Thank you," he said finally and she nodded, smiled, instructed him on how to cook the pasta and stir it with the sauce and grated cheese, if he got hungry – and then she took her hand-bag, kissed him on the cheek and left.

Kelly felt strangely grateful and appeased – at least for a couple hours. Soon though, loneliness, lack of stimuli, lack of distractions – became troubling. He ate the pasta in small amounts over the afternoon. He tried watching tv, reading a book, but all in all, he was alone with his thoughts, thoughts about life and death. Toward the evening he was so anxious, he kept pacing up and down the length of the room. He tried going to sleep but kept stirring instead, unable to close his eyes, the images and voices running through his mind, people he refused to identify, places, ideas about the future or lack thereof, all the plans that he could have had, but was afraid to and then death again. And then Shay...

He didn't want to think about her, but she was like the constant presence, the splinter under his skin, dead already, waiting for him...

At three in the morning, he gave in, he pulled the CDs they recorded together and her voice from the television finally soothed him to sleep – on the couch in the living room, under the blanket, with an uncomfortable cushion under his head.

* * *

When Matt threw Gabby out of the apartment – not literally but it took some convincing on his part and eventually a threat – she didn't go to Sylvie's. Instead, she appeared at Antonio's doorstep.

Her brother was surprised but he let her stay the night and lent her a shoulder to cry on, when she finally spilled everything to him. Pregnancy, uncertainly, even the abortion plans and the ultimate change of heart (I am happy for you, sis) and of course Kelly Severide's hardships and how it scared her that human life was so fragile and how much suffering was sometimes involved – not that she'd never seen it, she had, but never from this close.

At least, unlike Sylvie, he wasn't a member of the firehouse, so she didn't have to swear him to secrecy at a threat of cutting off his balls. The truth was – and Antonio spelled it out for Gabby too, although without malice - Severide would have to tell everyone the truth, as soon as he'd be back on shift. Even Matt agreed with that, but he wanted to leave the decision to Severide – whether he wanted to tell the House himself, or leave it to them, whether he even wanted to still come back to work, or just take a medical leave. They weren't going to force him into making those decisions when he was barely able to stand straight, Matt said he would breach the subject at a more convenient time.

Meanwhile they just had to keep up the pretense.

Which, when they got on shift come Friday – proved to be hopeless.

At roll-call Boden announced that Severide took a couple of shifts off – Rice would fill in for him as acting lieutenant until further notice. Otis glanced at Gabby but averted his eyes when he saw her looking at him.

He caught her in the kitchen later, as she tried to figure out what to make for dinner, and her mind kept involuntarily differentiate things for light on the stomach and heavy on the stomach. And weather the smell wouldn't be too disturbing. And she kept reminding herself that she didn't have to do it, not here.

"So," Otis leaned on the counter. "How's that friend of yours doing?"

She should have known he would come digging.

"He's fine," she tried to think about someone else. Antonio maybe, Antonio was doing fine.

"Good. Cause I was worried about you, you sounded really upset."

"Yeah, it's better now." She pulled the box with the spices and leafed through it again, to avoid looking at him, even though she'd already tried to find the inspiration there, twice.

"You'll never guess who called me yesterday." Otis didn't get the hint, kept prodding her, even though she made it clear she wasn't in the mood for a small-talk. Or maybe he knew exactly what he was doing. "Katie," he revealed in that slow manner, like he was saying each letter separately. "You remember Katie? Nolan, Severide's sister." Gabby looked up, but Otis played with the fork, his expression much less playful than she expected, more nostalgic, really. "I used to date her," he explained, as if she didn't remember. He looked at her and seemed kind of sad. Gabby felt tears prick in the corners of her eyes. Otis held her gaze. "She asked me if I know what's going on with Severide, because he stopped writing her about a month ago, doesn't respond to her texts. He would pick up when she called but he'd always tell he was busy and lately he stopped doing even that and he never calls her back. She's worried."

Gabby opened her mouth and closed them. She shrugged.

"And now he called in sick," Otis completed. And waited.

"What do you want me to say?" Gabby shrugged and only then realized that Boden never said that. He'd said Kelly took a couple shifts off but never gave the reason. It was too late though, she basically admitted that Otis's suspicion was correct.

"Do you know what I should tell Katie? Or maybe I should tell Casey to call her, because he obviously does know something. The girl is worried for crying out loud, this is not about me, or you or Molly's. I can take care of Molly's, I did on Wednesday, Cruz and Chili helped, so you don't need to worry. But Severide's sister... She deserves to know."

Gabby nodded and carelessly blinked. She felt too huge tears roll down her cheek. Otis made a face that was half apologetic, half saying, "I told you not to play with fire."

"You should talk to Matt," she uttered and fled from the kitchen.

* * *

They returned home in the morning after shift and found Kelly asleep on the couch in the living room. Matt woke him up, gently and joked that he hoped Kelly hadn't slept there all night.

"No," Kelly shook his head. "No, why would I. I woke up early, is all. Wanted to watch some tv but drifted off instead." He eyed the screen suspiciously and avoided Matt's eyes. Matt decided not to dwell, if Kelly didn't want to tell him, so be it; everyone needed to keep some things to themselves. But he would have to keep a closer eye on his friend. Meanwhile he needed to breech another difficult subject – one also concerning a secret.

"Sev, listen." He started, following Kelly to his room and watching his back, as Severide straightened the blanket on the bed that obviously wasn't slept in.

"I'm not coming back to work," Kelly replied to the question that wasn't asked.

Matt stood for a moment, completely thrown off and Kelly turned to look at him and measured him with his gaze.

"I'll take medical leave..." he started but Matt shook his head.

"It's not what I wanted," he said, then corrected himself. "I mean, that's good. If that's what you want. It's a mature decision and I'm with you." If Kelly wanted to talk about this, Otis's worry about Katie could wait. Katie's worry could wait.

But Kelly didn't add anything else, he turned away again, his gesture suggesting Matt should leave.

After a few seconds of tense and awkward silence, Matt cleared his throat.

"Severide," he started again.

"What?" this was not an inviting question.

Matt closed his eyes and forced out, "You have to talk to your sister."

"What? Why?" Kelly paled and looked like he got slapped.

Matt hoped he didn't take it as a suggestion he should include his family in all the caregiving, it was nothing about that and they had discussed it already, so he hurried with an explanation, "She is worried about you. In fact she's so worried that she called Otis, of all people, to ask him why you're not answering her calls."

Kelly sighed and sat on his bed. He hid his face in his hands.

"I know," he muttered. "I'll talk to her." He wiped his face and looked up at Matt. "Will you talk to Boden for me? About replacement and everything..."

It was a hard thing to do. Harder than Matt had expected it to be – he had thought, after all, that this'd been what Kelly should have done weeks ago. And yet, Matt put off that phone call. For some reason he wanted to talk it through with Gabby first. Part of him thought he shouldn't – the lieutenant stuff was none of her business, she was only a firefighter, and not even that for the time being. Besides, ultimately, taking a leave or not was Kelly's decision. Not even Matt had any right to interfere. He was only supposed to be a messenger between his friend and his boss. And yet...

He found Gabby in the bathroom, folding the laundry. Grabbed her from behind and put his forehead down on her shoulder. It felt a little awkward to crane his neck like this but he wanted to feel smaller, to be able to lean on her. He felt her tremble.

"Kelly wants me to call the Chief," he muttered into her skin and Gabby stopped with his shirt hanging in her hands. He felt silent 'what about?" in her posture. "He says he's ready to take a medical leave."

Gabby spun to face him and the look in her eyes froze blood in Matt's veins.

She opened her mouth, closed them and silently shook her head. Then turned to the laundry basket again. She folded the shirt but her hands shook and it came out not-quite-right. She attempted to fix it, without much success.

"What is it?" Matt grabbed her wrists.

She didn't look at him when she said, under her breath. "I don't think it's such a good idea."

"Why?"

"Honestly? I don't know!" She tossed the offending shirt into the basket. If it didn't want to be folded neatly, then so be it! Then she lifted her face to Matt and threw her hands up in exasperation. "I don't know what to make of it, or if it even warrants such reaction, but when I saw..." She looked up at him. "Matt, I'm freaking out."

"I can see that." Matt would have chuckled if his stomach wasn't twisting in knots. "But why? What did you see?"

She passed him and went out of the bathroom, pulling him along. Went straight into the living room and pointed her finger.

"He was watching this." She reached for a stack of CDs and showed it to him. Matt knew them all too well. Those were random recordings that Severide and Shay had made over the years. That alone, the fact that Kelly would go back to that pattern of spending any amount of time in the company of the ghost of their dead friend, was enough to make his skin crawl, but then Gabby added, "I called April. She said she left shortly after noon yesterday. So, I think it wasn't just this morning."

"I don't think he slept in his bed at all," Matt added and he knew exactly what would follow.

"I don't think it's such a good idea to cut him off from the House right now," Gabby said exactly what he was thinking – and why he put off calling Chief, he now realized. "His being alone for so long at a time is the worst idea ever. I figure this is why he didn't want to take medical leave in the first place, not some silly ambition thing."

And now he changed his mind. Matt felt his skin crawl and he hid his face in his hands like it could shelter him from reality he didn't want to deal with.

* * *

t.b.c.

**A/N:** The way I write April and memory-of-Shay in this story really isn't meant to set them against each other (I had a comment complaining about that). I'm sorry if it comes off this way, but it's a side effect. I admire April and I want her near Kelly, but... in my book it's never easy. The more I like a character, the harder I am on them. :) So. I guess I like April a lot.

**A/N (01.12.2015):** I don't know what happened. :) I didn't update this story today. In fact, yesterday I removed the latest chapter (15), because - as I realized I wrote myself into a corner and that's why I couldn't move forward - I needed to do something to give myself a boost. I also changed the ending of this chapter, a little. But then, that was yesterday! I have no idea why this story is suddenly listed as "updated seconds ago". I thought that replacing content of the chapter does not push the story up (it never did before and I do that a lot on all my stories, lol), I thought only adding a new chapter does that.

Anyway. I'm not posting new chapters right now. I want to _finish writing the whole story_ and as I'll be doing edits, I will resume posting. I hope to be done by the end of the year (that's my end-of-year resolution, lol), so the story should be back in January. Thank you for your patience.

**And thank you for reading. :) **


	15. Every Horizon

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** So. Me posting this chapter a few months ago was clearly a false-start. All apologies, but I had to take it down in order to do some major rewrites. In fact – I changed the ending of the previous chapter too. You may want to go back and re-read the final part. If not – here's the gist of it: Things I had planned require Kelly still being at the House. Chief is not a pussy, you know, and he would never let Kelly back once he'd send him on a medical leave. And he wants to send Kelly on a medical leave, that's the only reasonable course of action. Chief is reasonable and responsible. Well, Matt is too, but Matt is emotionally compromised... Anyway, that's basically what has been changed.

A lot of the rest is the same, so if you have a sense of déjà vu reading this chapter, it's because I only changed parts of it. And I will post the next chapter – real new one – tomorrow.

I hope you are still interested in this story. This time, I stood by my resolve to not post anything until the story is completed… well, almost. Three final chapters will need some tinkering. But they are written, just not polished and there's quite a few chapters that are ready until then, so I believe I'll make it all work. Ten chapters to go, yay! Expect regular updates. :)

Thank you for still being interested in this story. I hope you enjoy reading it.

* * *

**Chapter Fifteen  
**Every Horizon****

* * *

In the quiet of his room Kelly stared at his phone for a few minutes longer than was strictly necessary. He thought he would get some idea on what to say, but all that ran through his head was, "I'm dying. I have cancer and I'm dying," and he couldn't well start a conversations this way. "Katie," he decided to say, "how are you doing?"

He dialed her number and put the phone to his ear.

"Kelly," she picked up after the second ring. "Gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be a nuisance, but I was worried and I didn't know who else to call. I hope Otis didn't make it into some stupid jest or prank or whatever. Are you mad at me? Kelly?"

"Hey..." Kelly forgot what he wanted to say. He needed a moment and she just threw him off completely.

"Hey," she replied. "Are you there? Did Otis talk to you, is that why you're calling?"

"Yeah. I mean no, he didn't speak with me, but he spoke with Matt and... Never mind. I'm sorry. I am calling you because you called Otis, yeah, but I should have called sooner. Should have told you sooner." Now he was rambling.

And she fell quiet. Her, "told me what?" came as barely a whisper.

Kelly wished she was here, so he could see her face, hold her, reassure her that he was alright.

But he wasn't.

"I am sick," he blurted.

"Oh my God, I knew it was something bad. Do you need me to..."

"No, Katie. Calm down. Just. Wait, okay, let me say it. It's under control, I'm getting treatments, I'm..." he wanted to say he was getting better but really – he didn't know that. "I have good care," he said instead. "I still live with Matt and he's as overbearing as you can imagine, so… Really, there's no reason for you to worry, okay?"

"What are you sick with?" Oh, right. He didn't say that.

"It's..." he hesitated. "It's lymphoma. Cancer."

"Oh my God."

Yeah, what other reaction could he expect?

"Katie, listen up. I am well taken care of. I've already had three chemos, will have another three. I handle them just fine." A little lie couldn't hurt. "I'm tired of course and there is some nausea, but other than that, the doctors are optimistic. I don't want you to come here now, okay? If something bad happens, I might need you, but not right now."

She still wasn't speaking, but he could hear sniffing on the other end of the line.

"Katie, I'm really sorry I haven't said anything sooner. I should have, I know I should have, but I just didn't know how."

"It's okay," she finally choked out. "I mean it's not, and I wish I could do something to make it all better, but... Just please, if you need anything, please promise me that you will call."

"Yes, of course I will."

"I love you, Kelly. You're my only big brother."

"Love you too."

He couldn't talk to her anymore. Said goodbye, he hoped not too abruptly and broke into heavy sobs. Hid his face in the pillow, hoping Matt wouldn't hear it and gave himself a solid quarter of an hour to calm down enough to return among people.

* * *

Chief called this afternoon, as if he had some telepathic instinct, as if he knew.

"How is he, Matt? Be honest," he commanded. "When is he coming back? Is he? I need to know if I should call in a replacement."

Matt gritted his teeth. It wasn't easy to not be honest with Chief Boden.

"Not next shift, Chief," this was not going to be possible but after that... "We'll have to talk about it, not on the phone, though. I'll come to you before shift and I'll tell you what I know. Then we'll figure out how to proceed. Can we do that?"

Chief sighed on the other side of the connection. "We have to convince him that he needs to take a break, Matt." If Chief only knew. Matt closed his eyes as he listened to the very wise words. "He needs to take care of himself first, not about the job, but about himself. And he's not just risking his own health by working when he's sick. I'd hate to order him out, I know what a blow it would be, but sooner or later... I won't have a choice."

"I know, Chief."

It was all true, everything. And the worst part was that Kelly had made that decision, he never intended to put anyone at risk. He had been honest with both Casey and the Chief, about his physical form up to this point. They had managed to work around it, even if it required some effort on Boden's part to keep everything running smoothly, while including Severide in the job. And now Kelly wanted to quit, but Matt decided to withhold that information.

"I'd rather it was his decision," Boden said and how ironic was that? "But if he doesn't make it... Matt, you're closest to him, you should convince him somehow."

"I'll try, sir." Matt choked out.

The problem was Boden didn't know what was going on with Kelly, he had not seen him – agitated, falling apart, so lonely inside some isolating bubble he constructed around himself and yet, desperate for human contact.

It was Prednisone, Matt figured out the next night, when he woke up at four, hearing sounds of a tv come from the living room.

"Why aren't you asleep?" he asked accusingly, staring at Kelly, who sat in an armchair, a pillow and blankets muddled on the couch. In a corner of his eye he noticed that – contrary to the mess in the living area – the kitchen counters were wiped clean, all boxes and bottles standing in neatest rows he'd ever seen. "Kelly?"

"I don't know what's going on." Severide stood up and started pacing, his hands trembling as he run them over his bald skull. "I'm a mess. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I can't focus my thoughts on one thing for more than five seconds and everything is just..." he spread his hands wide, then grabbed his head again. "I don't know what to do."

"It's the side effects of those steroids you're taking. One more pill, tomorrow, and then it should let go. Why don't you try to go to bed?"

"No." Severide shook his head, still pacing. "This... she makes me calm." He gestured to the television and with a sense of dread Matt recognized another of Shay's DVDs.

"Kelly..." He started but he didn't really know what to say.

The next night in happened again, only this time, at five thirty a.m. Kelly had a complete meltdown. He sobbed, in Matt's arms that Shay was the only one who ever understood him and now she waited for him and he wanted to just join her and be done with it and Matt had no idea how to reply to that, what to say, what to do, because he knew that if Severide just gave up, this would be the end. Lot of the fight was in his head and no one could fight it for him. Spending nights in the company of his dead best friend was in no way constructive.

Kelly finally fell asleep past six in the morning and Matt just left him there, on the couch, relieved that at least he wouldn't have to take Prednisone anymore. And maybe that would get him to calm down a little bit. But it wasn't enough and Matt knew he was going to have a difficult conversation with the Chief in just a couple of hours. He asked April to check on Kelly during the day.

He was in the house an hour before the roll-call. Boden wasn't even in yet. Matt paced back and forth before the office until the Chief showed up.

"Come on in, Lieutenant." Boden opened the door. His furrowed brow and wary eyes clearly showed that he was expecting trouble.

And trouble he would get.

"I don't think Severide should take medical leave, Chief," Casey started without preamble. He didn't even sit down. "He wants to, he considers it, himself," Matt wouldn't lie, he wouldn't give his friend a bad name, "but I disagree."

"I don't think it's your place, Lieutenant." Boden reminded, carefully, as he scrutinized his subordinate. "And I thought you'd agreed with me on this."

"I know." Matt shook his head. "I did. I was the first to say that he should take it easy, take a break and just let himself rest. But he is not that person, you know." He looked straight into the Chief's concerned eyes. "I can't help thinking that I would be exactly the same, had the situation been reversed, and frankly, so would you. I don't think either of us could cope with sitting back home and... waiting."

"It's not news, Casey. We all knew that all along. Where are you getting with this?"

Matt combed his fingers through his hair in frustration. He felt like a traitor and like an idiot, with everything that ran through his head, but it made sense when he was thinking it. He had to make it make sense when expressed out loud too.

"Sir, we have to figure something out," he started. "I'm really scared for him. This morning..." There was no easy way to say it. "He started talking about Shay. See, all he does, all the time, when he's alone, is watch those videos of them together and it's like he feels closer to her already, than he does to us."

"What do you mean?"

"She's dead."

"I know."

Casey couldn't say it. He begged the Chief, with his eyes, not to make him say it.

"He can't be cut off from the House," he found the way around the unspoken fear. "I don't know how, sir, but he has to still be a part of it, a part of us. I think he should come back next shift, we should bring him back, and not just as a guest, sitting here when we go out."

"Matt." Chief hesitated. It was obvious he understood the situation was not as cut and dry as they would wish it to be. But he had the luxury of having a clear head. "I understand that you're under a lot of pressure lately-"

"It's not that." Matt cut in. Not really respectful, that, but Chief let it slide.

"Is he physically fit to work like the rest of us?"

"I don't think so, no." Matt shook his head. He had to be honest, he owed that to the Chief, to himself and his colleagues, and even to Kelly. "I know you can't have him do all the jobs, but he has experience, you had him distribute the men those past few weeks, he could pitch in. Chief, I'm begging you. He's... Mentally, he's in a very bad place and I can't see it ending well if we cut him off completely. He's got no one else, but us."

Boden shook his head. He sat down behind his desk, heavily.

"I will talk to him," he offered. "Casey, that's all I can do. Tomorrow, after shift, I'll go to your place, if you don't mind, and I will talk to him and see for myself. I can't think only about his wellbeing, I have the whole House to run."

Matt nodded. He couldn't ask for more. There was one more thing though.

"We should tell everyone," he muttered.

"I can't. I'm Kelly's boss and he didn't express his permission for me to reveal his condition to anyone."

"But... I can, can't I?" Chief spread his hands in response. "Everyone is speculating now, anyway. It's better to not keep it a secret."

"I can't command you one way or another."

"Okay." Matt made the decision. "I know Kelly won't have a problem with it. He wants the House to know."

"Good." Chief stood up, walked around his desk and neared the door. He stopped with his hand on the handle. "We have roll call, now. If you want to tell the House, I think it's best to say it at roll call.

* * *

Gabby had a decision to make. With Matt preoccupied with Severide, she had to make this decision herself. She only wasn't sure if it would be better to do it suddenly, at the beginning of the shift, or give everyone heads-up and announce at the end of the shift, that she wasn't coming next time.

Sylvie sat next to her at the roll-call – she already knew that Gabby would be taking a break but she kept it to herself. Gabby still stayed at her house – wanted to give Kelly as much privacy as she could – and the two women sat late last night, just going over the options. And also planning on how to go about taking the paternity test without alarming Casey. It couldn't be done before the fourteenth week, so Gabby had to wait till after next Sunday, to be on the safe side.

Meanwhile she worried about her brother too, because they had some huge raid planned for today. Some strip club turned human trafficking ring. It was the same club where Matt had done a construction job a couple months back and Gabby could only be relieved he had nothing to do with it anymore.

"Stop biting your fingernails," Sylvie slapped her hand away from her mouth and Gabby folded her palms on the table.

"What's taking them so long?" Boden and Casey were already two minutes late for the morning meeting and that had never happened before.

"Here they are!" Chili announced from Sylvie's other side and Gabby turned to see her Chief and her boyfriend.

Deep lines around his mouth and shadows under his eyes got her a bit scared. When he came up to the middle of the room to stand next to the Chief, her heart felt like it was about to jump out of her chest.

"May I have your attention," the Chief opened the meeting. "Before we begin, Lieutenant Casey wanted to talk to you all about something." Boden nodded at Matt and stepped away. Matt stayed in the middle of the room.

"Some of you already know," he started, "the rest is either close to figuring it out, or at least had noticed. Lieutenant Severide has not been quite himself lately. He has been sick." He fell silent for a moment, weighing words, took in a breath and disclosed. "He has cancer." The noise that erupted was filled with disbelief and anger and for a few seconds it carried on, despite Matt's risen hands.

Sylvie turned to glare at Gabby, her mouth hanging open. "Did you know?"

"Found out last Wednesday."

"Oh..." Sylvie just grabbed Gabby's hand, sheer worry in her eyes.

"Please, could you stay quiet!" Matt raised his voice and the questions, the indignation finally subsided. "Kelly has been under close observation of his physical shape and until now he was not compromised in this capacity. Not until last week to be exact. Right now he needs to..." Matt hesitated again. "Well, he needs to have his workload reduced. " He looked up at Boden and Gabby couldn't read the Chief's expression. She didn't understand where Matt was going with this either, but she remembered their talk two days ago and she figured something more must have happened. "We think he should stay with the House though." Matt said. Boden nodded but his lips were pursed, arms folded on his chest, and he avoided looking directly at Matt. "We have to come up with some kind of a solution for this situation, because Kelly needs this House now, more than ever. And the House needs Kelly, we need him to get better, to fight it, right?"

"We are with him!" Herrmann replied immediately. "All of us!"

He commanded the others in the house and they backed him up with a chorus of encouraging, supportive voices.

"Does it mean he's coming back? Like next shift, or..." Cruz asked the question that was on everyone's mind.

"We will work it out." Boden stepped in now. "We can't really speculate what will happen and we have a job to do, like every regular shift. I would appreciate that you didn't spread any rumors or suspicions. If you have any questions, come directly to me, or to Casey. Yes, I have known about everything from the very beginning, so did Lieutenant Casey. Kelly has never tried to keep his condition a secret from me and all decisions concerning the safety of the house and each of you, were made by me, with input from Lieutenant Severide. That's how it will remain, until he is well enough to return to us." He paused, looked at each of their faces and this time they all remained silent, no one spoke. "Meanwhile, Scott Rice will remain in the position of Acting Lieutenant of Squad Three. Get to work, people."

Scott Rice – to everyone's surprise – was the person who stood up first and stormed out of the common room, slamming the door.

* * *

Despite Casey's concerns Rice did his job throughout the shift, he acted normal during the calls. The only thing that suggested that something was not right was that he didn't talk to anyone from Truck and when he saw Casey, he would turn the opposite direction. That was why Matt was startled when, an hour after returning home, he opened the door to someone knocking in a very urgent manner, and saw him standing there – disheveled, and very angry.

Kelly had slept almost all day, Matt just learned from April, who'd been checking in on him several times the previous day. He was still asleep, the crash after earlier Prednisone high still holding him in a tight grip. Matt was about to go to sleep himself and he certainly was not about to wake his sick roommate up, because his buddy wanted to have a chat.

Rice wouldn't budge though. He yelled so loud – and Casey responded in kind – that their voices finally woke up Kelly. He joined them in the corridor and Rice fell silent mid-word. Casey turned to Kelly, startled by the pure terror on Rice's face, his own heart speeding up in fear, and saw nothing strange. By now he was used to flushed cheeks in an otherwise pale face, shadowed eyes and hairless skull.

"Scott..." Kelly begun, but Rice cut him off.

"You should have told me!" he uttered, turned away and stormed down the corridor.

All that fuss just to say one sentence.

Matt glared after him, his anger still raging without an outlet, confusion turning into a headache, when Kelly agreed in a quiet voice.

"I should have spoken to him."

"Come on..." Matt started but Kelly just shook his head.

"His wife died of breast cancer." He shrugged. "I knew it would be hard for him. But I can't worry about everybody else, Matt, I just can't."

Matt didn't say anything – there really wasn't anything to say – he only did something he'd never really done with Severide before. Closed the distance between them and simply gave him a hug.

* * *

t.b.c.


	16. Whose Course Is Braver Run

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

Thank you for comments - special *hugs* to Firemedic.

And now, new chapter - as promised. :)

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen  
Whose Course Is Braver Run  
**

* * *

Kelly was quiet. Too quiet, if anyone asked Matt's opinion. He barely left his room at all during the day. Matt prepared some lunch, but Kelly claimed he wasn't hungry. Then Gabby came but he didn't even get out to say hallo. He showed up for a light dinner she made, tried two spoonfuls and excused himself declaring he was full. In the evening Matt and Gabby watched a movie but Kelly declined the invitation to join them. He didn't get out of his room during the night, Matt was rather certain of it, as he hardly slept himself and he poked around scrambled eggs for breakfast, pushed it away, took two sips of water and stood up.

"You have to eat, Kelly," Matt couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore.

"I'm not hungry."

"It doesn't matter if you are or not. You have to eat. Sit back down and just push it in."

Kelly sat in the chair obediently but didn't make a move to pick up the fork, only stared at his plate with disgust.

The doorbell rung.

"We're not done," Matt uttered and went to open the door.

It was Chief Boden.

"I said I would come talk to him," he explained and Matt took a deep breath.

He hadn't talked to Kelly yet. He had not told Kelly that he hadn't done as requested – he hadn't told the Chief that Kelly wanted to take a medical leave. Well, technically he told Boden that Kelly wanted that, but did so between saying that he disagreed with the decision and requesting that Boden did all he could to prevent that from happening.

And now Boden was here.

Maybe the Chief would have better luck, because the last couple of days Matt felt as if Kelly was slipping away from him and he couldn't reach that far anymore.

The three of them sat in the living room and Matt watched his colleague undergo serious transformation. Kelly's hunched back straightened, his eyes lost that dull tinge and watched the Chief sharp and alert as ever. He even smiled. It was an act, but wasn't it good that he made the effort to look like he was still alive? Matt figured it was good.

"How are you feeling, Kelly?" Boden asked.

"I'm fine," Kelly lied. And he was quite convincing at it.

Perhaps it was not so good after all, Matt thought, when he exchanged glances with the Chief. What if Chief would not believe that Kelly was not okay? What if Kelly's act was so credible, Chief would think Matt was blowing things out of proportion? What if Matt indeed was blowing things out of proportion, he was tired after all, hadn't slept well. But no, this was nonsense.

And Chief was not an idiot. "Fine?" he asked. "How about you tell me the truth?"

Kelly sighed and twisted his lips. He leaned back in the armchair, staring at his knees. "As fine as can be," he tried. "I'm handling it. I'm... quite okay, really. I just... I need to wait it out, you know."

"Wait what out?"

"The treatments. I have three of them left, so that's what? Six weeks? Seven maybe. And then I'm back. I'll be well and... I'll be able to get back to work. It's not that long. Less than two months really." He looked from Chief to Matt and back again. Fingers of his right hand absently picked at the hangnails of his left hand.

Chief considered the answer. Gabby brought them all coffee and she withdrew to the bedroom, gesturing for Matt to come too. Matt firmly shook his head. He was going to stay and listen.

"It is long," Chief said eventually.

"Nope." Kelly leaned over to stir sugar in his coffee. "I'm unconscious for two days after chemo, at least, so that's six days less. Almost a week. Rest of the time I'm tired, so I just sleep a lot. I'll wait it out. It will all pass in no time."

"Matt thinks you should come back to the House next shift," Chief said bluntly and Matt gasped. Yes, he said that, but he wasn't sure it was a good thing to have Severide faced with the issue head-on like that.

"Why?" Kelly glared at him, surprised.

"Apparently he thinks the House needs you." Chief explained before Matt could react. At least he used a sensible argument, not that Matt was afraid for Kelly. Matt breathed an internal sigh of relief. Then Chief added, to Matt's even greater relief, "And I must say I agree. We – well, Matt – told everyone at the House what was happening with you and the mood on Monday was low. Then I spoke with Herrmann. He's got a good handle on the temperature of feelings within the House, you know. He also thinks it would be better for their morale to see you. To see that you're fighting. We are all tough guys when it comes to risking our lives in fight. But illness? That's scary. And not knowing... It makes them distracted."

Kelly nodded and bit his lips. He sighed. Rubbed his face.

"Alright," he uttered finally. "I just don't know..." He looked up, a crease of concern between his eyes. "I don't think that I can really do the job anymore, Chief."

"That's what I've been thinking about too. I have a replacement lined up – temporary replacement, of course. But he won't be able to come in for the next couple of shifts, so Rice will have to fill in for a while longer. He's doing a good job as it is. And you won't be going out with the Squad, but with me. And you'll do what you have been doing these past few weeks, so, nothing will really change. I know it may seem like a bit of a redundancy, but we will make it work. Now, that it's all out in the open, Kelly, I think this whole thing will be easier. So. Can I count on you coming tomorrow?"

Chief extended his hand and Kelly took it in his tight grip. He smiled. "You can count on me, Chief." Just like that, he didn't even need any convincing. Matt thought that he was right in assuming Kelly didn't really want to quit working just yet.

As Boden was leaving, half an hour later, Matt escorted him to the door.

"Thank you, Chief," he tried but Boden shook his head, lips pursed.

"I didn't do it as a favor to you, Casey." The look in his eyes was stone-hard. "I did it, because I thought it was the right course of action."

It was below Chief to think that he wouldn't take full responsibility for all of his choices. Matt nodded in agreement. And if there was something that looked like 'I hope we won't regret this' in Chief's face, Matt chose to believe that he only saw it because of his own fears.

* * *

Scott Rice resigned from service. He at least had the decency to call the Chief the morning before the shift and say he wasn't coming. He said he thought he could – that's what Boden told Kelly – but he couldn't. And that maybe it was for the better, what with his kid and all, and the job being so dangerous. Kelly tried to not feel guilty. He could have said something sooner, or kept it secret longer, or he could have not gotten sick in the first place... But Boden just told him to stop right there. Rice made his own decision. It's done. It's over. They had to call in a temporary replacement for the Squad leader and they got Welch, of all people. Surprisingly enough, Welch acted like a civilized human being and caused no trouble.

Kelly had to admit that whatever motivated Matthew Casey to push for him getting back into the House, it was a blessing. Time flied much faster when he was among people to begin with. There were moments when he was able to completely forget that he was sick. Not having to watch his every move to keep it a secret certainly helped too. After the initial couple of hours all awkwardness dissipated and Capp and Tony were teasing him as if nothing was wrong. Cruz transferred to Squad too – he passed the tests and there was a cause for celebration. Gabby announced her pregnancy and transferred to Arson Investigation – she bullied Kelly into making a couple phone calls. When she accepted her altered state and begun to enjoy it, she suddenly transformed in a startling way – she was radiant and happy and really, really beautiful. And she made Matt smile. This was especially important to Kelly, considering how much worry he caused his friend. He wished he could just move out and leave the love-birds happy in their little nest.

A few weeks. In only a few weeks he would.

He still felt weak and would get tired easily. He was wearing a beanie to cover his bald head. But other than that, he swore to himself, that he would not let the illness rule him, he would not let it overtake his life. He had friends to support him and he was fighting. He was winning.

Then, a visit from another friend caught him by surprise.

Capp told him that Erin Lindsay was waiting outside the House to speak with him. Kelly went outside, tugged his blouse around himself, despite the warm June weather. Somehow he was always cold. Struck by a sudden fear he touched his head, but the beanie was right there, covering his bald skull. He didn't really want Erin to see it naked, even though she saw everything else of him naked. A while ago. In another lifetime.

"Hey!" he called to her back and she slowly turned away, he saw anxiety in her eyes, worry, that she quickly blinked away.

"Hey!" She smiled but it wasn't very convincing.

"What are you doing here?" Kelly went for a joke. "Are you investigating... something?"

"No, I'm not..." She shrugged with one arm. Kept her hands in the pockets of her jeans, kept her distance. "I'm kind of on probation. Just came back to work a couple of days ago."

" Yeah. I heard." Kelly remembered what had happened to her, the rumors he'd heard about her disappearance and tumble toward self-destruction. She didn't look bad now, though, her skin was a tad grayish under the make-up, but she appeared taken care of, put together. It was good to know she was working again and keeping close with people who cared about her. If anyone knew what it felt like, it was him. "I'm really sorry about what happened with Nadia."

"Yeah," it was clear that name still caused pain. Kelly knew about that too. "Thanks."

"So... What brings you here?"

Erin shrugged again. "Wanted to see you." She sniffed, looked at the passing car, then turned to him, lips set, defiant. "Wanted to see how you're doing."

Kelly hesitated. Did she know? "I'm... I'm good," he stuttered.

"Liar."

So she knew. Kelly spread his arms in a silent inquiry – how?

"Antonio..." She looked away again, "he may be a bit of a gossiper."

"Oh. Yeah."

They stood in that awkward silence for a moment, a silence that Kelly still hadn't learned to unburden, that he still didn't quite know how to deal with.

Erin tried, "So. How are you doing?"

"I'm... Dealing with it." He couldn't look at her. He wasn't lying, he didn't feel like he was lying and yet the statement felt like a lie.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

He heard her sniff again, "I... I can't..." He looked up and saw real tears in her eyes.

"Hey..."

"I can't lose you," she choke out.

"Come'ere. " The hug just happened, naturally, like it had back when he was a mess over Shay and she came to comfort him. Only now it wasn't exactly about Nadia.

"I just can't lose another person I..." Kelly couldn't discern her last words, she mumbled them into his jacket, incomprehensible, choked, teary. He held her for a few heart beats, until he felt her calm down, until she stopped shaking her head and twisting his jacket in her fists.

Then he gently pushed her away and took her face in both his hands. "Hey, listen... Erin. Erin, listen to me!" He wanted to tell her he was fine, he was going to be fine, but that strange sensation of lying although not intending to, flowed over him again. He decided to say something else. "I am not going to make promises that I don't know if I can keep, alright? But I can promise you that I am going to fight. I am fighting. Okay?"

Erin nodded. "Yeah." She wiped her face, shook her head. "I'm sorry. I'm just..."

"I know. Erin, I know, I've been where you are. I know exactly what you feel and... I need you to make me a promise too, Erin."

She looked up like she already knew what he was going to ask.

"I need you to fight too." Of course, she nodded. "I need you to fight for yourself, because… I can't lose you either. Not now."

Erin regained control of her voice and her face. She met his eyes now and what he saw there was genuine care and compassion. "I will. Kelly, I will. I'm going right back to work. And you..."

"I'm doing my best. Promise."

So many people were in his corner. He just couldn't fail them.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	17. With a Bang

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Because I just want to finish this story, I decided to shorten the Dawsey plot. It's still going to be resolved and there will be drama, I promise (and a happy ending), but it's never been a Dawsey story, so there may be somewhat less scenes between them. Initially I hoped to keep the balance between Severide's drama and Dawsey drama, but I guess I never really succeeded in that regard. So, I don't even know if the change is going to be all that discernible...

Anyway, apologies to any Dawsey fan, who even got thus far through a Severide (and Sevasey!friends) centric story.

Oh, about ships, because you guys mentioned in reviews. Nope, there won't be any Severide ships, unless maybe in the final chapter. But even then... I'm not sure yet. I have that scene written, but I still have the time to change it...

Meanwhile... Kelly Severide is about to be... stoopid... ;)

* * *

**Chapter Seventeen  
With a Bang  
**

* * *

"I feel like in a Hallmark movie." Sylvie sat next to Gabby in the waiting room of Doctor Graham, the OB, who was about to perform the amniocentesis. "The romantic movie. I mean stealing his hair? Doing this in secret. Maybe telenovela, not Hallmark movie."

"Oh, stop whining," Gabby snapped. "You don't have to be here."

"I'm sorry." Sylvie put her hand on Gabby's leg. "Of course I do, I'm your friend. I just... I don't know, I find it..."

"Stupid?"

"Romantic. I'm pretty sure the baby IS Matt's, so... Yeah. Romantic."

"It's stupid." Gabby knew that she wasn't reasonable. And that she could wait with the test until the baby would be born, have it performed safely, without the risk of a miscarriage - however minor it was - but then, she knew Matt was going to get crazy with all the planning. That is, if Severide's health wouldn't occupy him too much. Anyway, if he did, if he wanted to pick names, and cribs and tiny sweet blouses and dresses and hats and whatnot, Gabby had to know if he was doing it for his own child.

Oh, why was she so stupid to even go on a date with that other guy? She'd always known she only loved Matthew Casey.

"Hey, Gabby?" Sylvie was glaring at her from up close. "You are not crying are you?"

"Nope." Gabby wiped her eyes. "I just... I don't want to hurt him. Or her. But, this procedure will tell me if there is something wrong too, not just if Matt is the father, so... It makes sense to do it, right? Considering all the risk factors that come with the job."

"Of course!"

"Yeah. Good. Glad you think so, thanks."

After all was done - and it didn't even hurt, was only a little uncomfortable - Sylvie took Gabby back home, put her to bed, as per doctor's orders, and cooed over her like a good mother-hen.

"You are too good to me, Sylvie." Gabby held her friend's wrist and pulled to sit down on the edge of the bed. "And I was so mean to you."

"You were not mean. You were upset, what is understandable and I'm only doing what any friend would do. I mean look at what Matt is doing for Kelly. And Matt should be taking care of you, but he can't, so I'm just... helping out. It's like... We're this messed up big family with so many brothers and sisters and, well I grew up in one, so maybe I simply miss it. I want to be there for you Gabby."

"And you know that I would do the same thing for you."

"Of course I know." It went without saying.

* * *

Kelly Severide's actual replacement showed up on Tuesday - the shift before Kelly's fourth chemo. He was supposed to come in next shift, but things came up, stuff happened and suddenly he could make it earlier.

Captain Dallas Patterson.

The man appeared to be decent guy, truly competent and Boden's friend. Patterson never seemed intent on subjugating the Squad. He talked to Kelly, asked about how things were being run around here, asked all the advices, even though he was higher ranking and could just come in and take possession of the company like it was his own and no one would say a thing. He was nice and respectful.

Kelly hated him on the spot.

Of course Patterson was going to take Kelly's place in the Squad truck, he would ride shotgun, while Severide was supposed to drive to any scene with the Chief. Just how it had already been with Welch and other one-time fill-ins. With Patterson it felt different though, it felt more permanent.

Kelly had planned on taking the back half of the shift off, on going home for the night, getting some sleep before the treatment, taking care of himself. But seeing as Patterson was slowly filling in the space that had belonged to him only three days ago, he wasn't sure he could simply let go.

Boden was called into the Headquarters around noon. The call came fifteen minutes later.

There wasn't anyone to tell Kelly to stay behind, so he jumped into the Squad truck - into the back seat, next to Tony and Cruz, leaving the front seat to the current leader. But as they were approaching the scene it all shifted in his head, old habits kicked in, and before he was even aware of what he was doing, Kelly Severide started giving orders.

They were coming onto a bridge over a railroad and the culprit was hanging outside the barrier. They couldn't see clearly, but even before they drove onto the bridge, Kelly shouted for Capp to stop the truck. The vibrations caused by the heavy equipment might cause the whole odd structure to fall down, a twenty feet drop to the rail-trucks.

It was a motorcycle that went over the barrier but hooked over something, some pole or some other protruding element of the bridge. The driver, by some miracle, still hung there, gripping the motorcycle's handle, but he was weakening. The whole thing looked unstable.

Severide wasn't even thinking, he let his instinct and training take over immediately.

"Tony, Cruz, get those people out of here," he ordered first. There were ten-or-so onlookers and two cars stood, blocking the way. "Capp tell the drivers to slowly drive away. Slowly!" Then he grabbed his radio. "Truck this is Squad, how far are you?"

"We're two minutes out," he heard Casey's voice.

"Good. When you get here, drive onto the bridge with extreme caution, got it?"

"Got it. Extreme caution," Casey repeated.

"Hey, Severide." Captain Patterson lay a hand on Kelly's arm to grab his attention. "I think I'm running this circus now," he tried to remind the Lieutenant about the chain of command, but Kelly blew up at him.

"We don't have the time to argue about authority now!" he was in Patterson's face. "It's your first day and I know what those guys are capable of. If you want to help, grab the rope, harness yourself and wait for the Truck. When they secure the other end of the rope, try to get to the guy from the west, 'kay?" He threw his arm to the side of the bridge. Patterson opened his mouth, but before he responded, Severide turned to his men. "Capp, you do the same from the east. Wait for Truck to give you a go." Truck was already driving onto the bridge. "Cruz, Tony! You grab ropes and help me secure the bike." He turned to Patterson, who still stood a step away from him and shook his head. "See," Kelly said in a more quiet tone. "I am not so stupid to put myself where every false move can result in a disaster. I will only be watching."

"Got it," replied Patterson and he run off to execute the order given to him by a lower ranking officer.

* * *

Casey was surprised to hear Severide's voice on the radio, but he was even more surprised when they drove on scene. It looked as if Severide was giving orders. To the Captain, no less. Boden was nowhere to be seen, but he'd been at the Headquarters so it might take him a few additional minutes to get here.

One look at the scene told Casey how Severide intended to work it, and he had his guys spring into action in no time. Mouch took care of Patterson's security, Otis helped Capp and Herrmann took their new Candidate Borelli, to get Cruz and Tony in harnesses as well, just in case. Casey made sure all ropes were either in the hoists, or otherwise secured, when he heard a commotion at the railing.

The biker, a kid as it turned out, seventeen years old at most, when he saw a chance at being saved, got kicked with a new wave of adrenaline and started to struggle.

"Stay put!" Severide yelled at him. "We'll get you! We're coming for you!" Patterson was already on the other side of the railing and moving fast toward the kid, but the motorcycle was not fully secured yet, Cruz was tying the knots and it started to shift. Casey saw Severide freeze, he saw the look on his face, the gears turning in his head, calculating the pros and cons and then Sevride yelled, "Tony, Cruz! Grab me!" and he leaped forward before anybody could get between him and the inevitable doom.

Casey felt his heart stop in his chest. He'd never thought it was possible to see the time slow down for real, but in this moment it did. He looked at the ongoing scene in slow motion. He wanted to move, to run, to help, to stop, but no matter how hard he tried, it unfolded in front of his eyes, as expected, fated, bound to happen.

Kelly jumped, soared over the railing, reached toward the teenager's hands and grabbed him by the wrists with flawless precision, just as the kid's fingers started to slip from the bike's handles.

Cruz raised, also in slow motion, reached up and forward and grabbed one of Kelly's legs, Tonny did the same with the other. They held on. Kelly skidded an inch or two. They kept holding on.

The ropes unfurled from around the bike and the machine slid and tumbled down, slowly as everything else and fell to the railroad, crushing in a ball of flame and ear-bursting explosion.

The time returned to its normal speed.

Casey found himself at Cruz's side, helping him to keep Severide's legs steady. Patterson already grabbed the kid and was slowly pulling him up, holding him, helping him over the railing, where Otis took him over to astounded Chilli and Brett. Capp came from the other side and helped Severide pull up and hauled him over the railing with the help of Cruz and Tony and almost everybody else.

Nobody noticed when Boden arrived on the scene.

"What the hell happened here?" he blew up at Severide. "Why weren't you secured? Why were you taking part in the action in the first place?"

"It's my fault, sir," Patterson stepped in. "I overlooked the order to keep Severide out. We thought that securing the bike was the task that would not pose a strain or a risk. And, frankly, thanks to the Lieutenant's quick thinking, the victim is safe now." He gestured toward the paramedics.

Brett came toward them now.

"Are you alright?" she asked Severide and he nodded. "I'd like to take a look at your vitals."

"I'm fine, Brett. Didn't get hurt or anything."

"You look pale..."

"That's how I normally look. I'm fine."

Boden shook his head. "What about the kid?"

"Broken leg and a few cracked ribs, possibly concussion, but he's stable."

"Get him to the hospital," the Chief ordered. "You," he pointed a finger at Kelly. "In my car."

"Yes, sir," said Kelly.

He didn't look fine to Casey. Even with his usual paleness, this shade of his skin was more hollow than usual. His lips were white and his eyes had an unhealthy gleam. Matt walked up to him, intending to ask about it. He reached out to grab Kelly's elbow, but then... Kelly slipped out on him.

His legs gave way and he collapsed onto the pavement before Matt had a chance to support him.

Matt sprung to action in an instant. He turned Kelly onto his back and gently slapped his face. Without even looking up he ordered Otis - he knew it was Otis who ran up to them - to get the med-kit from the Truck. Every first-responder vehicle was equipped with basic first-aid utensils. Kelly blinked weakly a couple of times before his eyes regained focus.

"What?" his lips moved.

"You collapsed. Stay down!" Matt put his hand on Severide's chest, because the stubborn Lieutenant tried to sit up.

"I'm good," Kelly protested. "It's probably because I was..." he lost breath, pushed Matt's hand away and pushed himself into a sitting position. "Because I was hanging with my head down." He was swaying and breathing fast and shallow. "Must have had some headrush."

"You didn't have a headrush." Matt caved in, didn't try to push Kelly to lie down. Instead he started to take off his gear. "You fainted. Like a girl," he added out of petty annoyance. "I'll take your vitals and you won't be protesting about it!" he forestalled Kelly's obvious attempt at claiming he didn't need that. Kelly only glared and pursed his lips, and when Matt asked for his arm, he obediently let him fasten the bp cuff.

"How does it look?" Matt heard Boden's quiet voice from behind his back. He bit his lips in frustration. What was Boden going to do about this? It was a disaster. This whole scene was a freakin disaster. "Do we need a second ambulance?"

"No ambulance!" Kelly started and Matt grabbed his arm to keep him in place.

"Respiration at twenty-five, pulse hundred, BP ninety-over-sixty." Matt looked up at Boden, standing there, his hand ready on the radio. "He's borderline, but... I don't think ambulance is necessary."

"Temperature?"

"Yeah." Matt reached for the thermometer and a moment later announced, "A hundred. On the dot."

"A little too high."

"Borderline too, actually." Nothing indicated that something seriously wrong was going on with Severide, but it was clear that he wasn't fine either.

"Get into my car," Boden ordered and walked away to speak with Patterson.

Matt helped Kelly to his feet, with Otis supporting the stubborn Lieutenant from the other side. Severide shook his head once, as if to clear his vision, but otherwise he appeared to have regained his strength. At least enough of it to get to Battalion twenty-five.

"Thanks, Casey," he muttered sitting down, but didn't look up at Matt. And Matt didn't blame him.

"Don't mention," he muttered back and shut the door.

Chief marched to his side of the car and got in, without even acknowledging Casey.

At least the men had already cleaned up the scene, gathered all the equipment and had the Truck ready to roll back to the House.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	18. Most Unexpected

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry about any medical inaccuracies. My knowledge about medicine is mostly from tv shows like ER, Chicago Med and Code Black. Oh, BTW! **Watch Code Black, it's great. :)** That is, if you like ER style of storytelling. Code Black is like ER on steroids. Chicago Med feels more like Grey's Anatomy to me (although I only watched a few episodes of Grey's, not really my thing, all that romance). Code Black has fantastic characters and it will make you cry at least once in every episode. /end digression.

Yeah, where was I? Ah, medical knowledge. I do some research too, at least I try, but there's only so much you can learn from research and not actual studies of medicine. Anyway, I hope you'll understand and will be lenient.

Thank you for still being interested in this story, all four of you. *hugs*

* * *

**Chapter Eighteen  
Most Unexpected  
**

* * *

If Severide thought they were coming back to the House, he was delusional. Boden got in the SUV and hit the siren as soon as they were out on the road. He contacted the hospital and gave them a brief information that he was bringing in a patient. Conscious, yes, and alert. ETA four minutes. He hung up.

He heard Severide sigh and start to speak in a quiet voice. "Patterson tried to stop me, you know." He stared at the road, resigned. "He said he was in charge and that I should step down, but I just yelled at him and I was apparently louder. We didn't have the time to argue, to butt heads over whose balls were bigger and he backed away, just did the job. He could have fought me. But it would take time and would have probably cost that kid's life, so he made the right choice. I was wrong."

"No, Kelly," Boden found himself reply in an equally quiet voice. "Actually, it is all on me." He did not elaborate and Severide didn't ask. He simply nodded. They both knew he shouldn't have been at work in the first place. They both – and bystanders too – got extremely lucky no one was hurt as a consequence of that mistake.

As they drove up to the hospital door, nurse Maggie was already waiting outside with a wheelchair. She helped open the passenger door and Kelly, of course, protested that he didn't need a chair. Maggie only glared and he shut up. Boden walked around the SUV, hoping to be helpful.

"You'll need to get your car away from the entrance." Maggie stopped him. "I've got this. I know how to deal with those stubborn superheroes," she continued for Kelly's ears as she wheeled him inside.

Boden didn't get his SUV very far away – he used his privilege to park it at the first available spot, then ran back into the ER. He'd have to go back to the House, soon, but first he wanted to learn as much about his subordinate's condition, as he could. He found Kelly's room just in time to hear the patient reply to Doctor Halstead inquiry with, "Nothing happened. I had vertigo and the guys blew it out of proportion." He was out of his gear, only in regular pants and a t-shirt and of course he kept the beanie covering his bald head. He appeared entirely discontented.

"His vitals are normal, only temp slightly up." Maggie confirmed Kelly's self-diagnosis and recited them quickly.

"I was hanging with my head down," Kelly explained, "holding a victim, for a minute or two. When I got back on my feet I felt faint, that's all."

"You didn't feel faint, Kelly." Boden figured he needed to interject. "You fainted."

Dr Halstead smirked at the Chief, then asked the patient, "Did you lose consciousness?"

"Briefly, maybe," Kelly reluctantly confirmed.

"Excuse me?" Someone spoke behind Boden's back. He turned and saw April Sexton in the doorway, appearing quite worried. "Natalie told me," she explained for Dr Halstead's benefit mostly, then asked both him and her colleague, "Is it okay if I take over from Maggie?"

Maggie spread her hands and stepped away, Halstead nodded.

"Hey, what if I said 'no'?" asked Kelly, indignant.

"Then you'd be stupid." April shot right back and shut him up.

Halstead smirked again. Maggie repeated Kelly's vitals for April and left him in her hands. She exchanged glances with the doctor as she was leaving. Halsted, still smirking, addressed April.

"I'd like to see CBC, BMP and EKG to begin with. We'll go from there." He hesitated, took a careful look up and down Kelly's entire frame, squinted at the beanie. "Make it CBC with differential, considering the temperature."

"I'll go on a limb and surmise he failed to mention that he's on R-CHOP?" April said, rather than asked, meeting Halstead smirk for a defiant smirk.

Halstead froze in place and the corners of his lips fell. He stared at Boden who felt judged, then he turned to stare at Kelly. "Guess that explains the hat," he muttered, then gears turned in his head and he attacked the problem at hand with intensity Boden saw in his firemen when they sprung into action. If he wasn't worried already, this would convince him that Kelly's situation was indeed serious. Halstead grabbed Kelly's wrist, feeling for pulse and spoke quicker than before. "Start him on Augmentin in IV fluid bolus right away, do the labs after. Add two sets of blood culture, blood lactate, urine MCS and G&amp;H. Open your mouth, please." He paused the monologue to look inside, then palpated the patient's neck, arms and chest. "You don't have a port?" Kelly shook his head. "Check his temperature every fifteen minutes. It isn't alarming, Kelly, but we should keep an eye on it. This may be nothing but in cases like this, better be safe than sorry. How long since your last chemo?"

"Uh," Kelly furrowed his brow, "actually I'm scheduled for the next one... tomorrow, so... twenty days?"

"It's day twenty-one," April corrected.

"Are you up to speed with his treatment plan?" Halstead asked April and she nodded. "Good. Contact his oncologist and get them here if they're available. If they're not on shift, get someone else for consult. Call me if anything happens and as soon as you get the labs. Mark them urgent. I will check on you later." He nodded at Kelly, at Boden, and left the room.

April spoke softly to Severide, but Boden heard every word, "Your doctors haven't instructed you to inform any medical personnel of your condition and the treatments you're having?" she berated.

"They did," Kelly replied, not very audibly.

"Is it bad?" Boden asked the question Kelly probably didn't want answered.

"It may be." April gave him that look, the one he already knew meant, 'you screwed up'. "High temperature in chemotherapy patient may indicate infection and in case of this specific coctail – there's a high risk of neutropenia." She explained while tending to the patient, adjusting IV, taking his blood. "Neutrophiles are white blood cells, you know. They fight infection and if their count is too low, the infection may spread faster than the body can fight it. The worst outcome is sepsis, but you don't have hard indicators of that, Kelly. Even your temperature is almost within the norm – a hundred-point-four would be a red flag. A hundred-zero is acceptable, actually, so we are probably making a big deal out of nothing. But if you do have neutropenia, this may all deteriorate rapidly."

Kelly nodded, he didn't say anything and it showed how overwhelmed he must have felt. Boden felt sorry for him.

"I gotta take these to the lab." April took the vials and gave them some room.

Boden stepped closer and lay a hand on Kelly's palm. Kelly didn't react.

"I have to go back to the House."

"Yeah. Tell everyone I'm fine. I'll probably stay here anyway, until tomorrow. Until the treatment. Will be easier this way. Tell Casey I'm fine. Tell everyone I'm fine."

"Will do." Boden agreed, even if he wasn't going to lie to his men. "I'll check on you in the morning."

"No need to..." Kelly tried to protest, but Boden cut him off.

"I will."

It sucked. Everything about Kelly Severide's situation sucked. But they could at least make sure he knew they all cared.

* * *

Kelly watched April bustle about him, measure his temperature, check vitals, check the IV and he didn't have the energy to say or do anything. He had to though, he owed her that.

"I'm sorry," he whispered when she was turning to walk away. He thought she couldn't hear it.

But she did, at least she heard something. She turned to him, "What was that?"

"I said, I'm sorry," Kelly repeated louder. "For the way I acted last time."

He meant at his home, when she'd come to help and he basically threw her out. He never apologized for that.

April took a step closer to him and touched the bare skin on his forearm.

"It's okay." She tried to smile.

"Not really. I was an ass, and you... you do all that for me..." He felt his eyes sting and he didn't want her to see his tears, but he was so weak, so tired.

"Hey, Kelly, I told you that you can always count on me, no matter what, right? I mean professionally? That's what I'm here for. And... not just here. At home. Kelly, I mean it. Whatever you need me to do – I will do it. That's how I roll, I do things. I try to help. I like to help. But this sitting by, this babysitting thing?... That might not have been the best idea." Kelly couldn't agree more and April smiled, genuinely this time, when she saw him nod. "But then," she winked, "it was really Casey's idea, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was," Kelly chuckled.

"See? We are okay, you and I."

Kelly sighed in response and closed his eyes. He felt the burning in the corner of his eye as the tear rolled out. Now it was okay though. They were okay.

"Kelly?" Dr Halstead interrupted their moment when he showed up with a pad in his hand. "How do you feel?"

Kelly blinked and tried to focus. "Tired," he admitted.

"Your tests came back. I have good news and bad news." _Please, don't ask which one I want first_, Kelly thought, _because I don't want either_. Halstead didn't ask. He just continued talking, "You don't have sepsis. Blood cultures and urine test both came back negative and your temperature is..." He glanced at April.

"Hundred point two at the moment."

"Hundred point two, so we could call off the alarm, but... You do have neutropenia. What is strange, given that it's day twenty one but then, nobody is straight up statistics, so we have to deal with what we have. We'd like to keep you here for observation, in the ICU, overnight, if that's okay?" It was probably a rhetorical question but Kelly nodded anyway. There was no point leaving now, only to return in the morning. "Good. In the morning you should be released home."

Kelly furrowed his brow.

"Um..." There must have been some information lag. "I have chemo in the morning, actually," he reminded. It probably wasn't necessary to tell Dr Halstead about this, because Halstead was releasing Kelly from his care and into ICU, but maybe better that information was in the chart.

Halstead was shaking his head.

Why was he shaking his head?

"I'm sorry, but that's actually where the bad news gets, well, bad. The low count of your neutrophiles means that you can't have chemotherapy tomorrow. I consulted with the oncologist on-call and they decided to postpone it by a week. In the meantime they will give you some medications that should stimulate your bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. Hopefully, in a week your blood-work will be within acceptable parameters."

He was talking but the words didn't have much sense.

"What?" Kelly asked. "Wait, what does that mean?"

"It means your body needs more time to recover. Chemotherapy is poison. It kills cancer cells but it also kills..."

"I know what it does! But... next week? And... It should be? Hopefully?" This was some sort of a bad dream, it had to be. "What if it isn't?" Kelly tried very hard to keep his voice calm but the quickening beeping of his heart monitor betrayed what was happening in his head.

"Kelly." Halstead raised his hands in a placating gesture. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there, okay?"

"No. No, no. Come on, doc, be straight with me. April? Tell him. I need to know what it all means."

"Kelly."

"And if it happens again next time, what then, another postpone? Smaller dose?"

"Kelly, now's not the time to discuss it."

"Three treatments. That's what I had, three more treatments, that's six weeks. I was supposed to be done with it in six weeks." The words were just flowing out of his mouth and Kelly couldn't stop. "I can't handle more than that! I just can't!"

"April," Halstead looked at the nurse and muttered something to which she nodded and Kelly knew exactly what they were going to do. They were going to sedate him.

And maybe that was for the best, just shut it all off, make him forget, if only for a little while.

* * *

Severide called early morning, toward the end of the shift – from April's phone. Matt's heart froze for a moment, when he saw her caller ID, but then he heard Kelly's voice and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Kelly asked that Matt take his things from the House and pick him up from the hospital.

Only when he arrived at the ICU, Matt remembered that Kelly was supposed to have the treatment in the morning, so why was he going home?

"Next week," was Kelly's curt response.

He appeared subdued but Matt didn't push. He didn't know how anymore. They drove home in silence. Matt tried to come up with something to say, something clever or uplifting, but each time he looked at Kelly's profile, the words got stuck in his throat. Something has clearly changed, Kelly seemed like he crossed some threshold and he was still coming to terms with it and a sinking feeling in the pit of Matt's stomach kept him quiet about it. Partially because he wanted to give Kelly some space and partially because he didn't really want to hear it, whatever it was. He should have focused on Gabby. He should have been there for Gabby, should have taken care of her, she needed him, they were becoming parents, together and her trouble were so... pleasant, in fact, so hopeful. Especially now, since she decided that being a mother was a good thing.

Kelly and his illness were slowly becoming more than Matt could handle.

"You know, I just realized something." Kelly spoke when they finally got home. He went into the living room and Matt was just closing the door. He hesitated with his hand still on the latch as if waiting for a sign to open it again and run. "I realized that I really may die. Silly isn't it?" The half-joking tone in Kelly's voice in this last sentence was the only thing that made Matt abandon the idea of running, at least for time being, and turn around to look at his friend.

Kelly stood in the middle of the living room, watching the hat in his hands, head bowed. He looked up and twisted his lips in something that might otherwise be a smile, if not for the subject. Or maybe it was a smile after all?

He sighed, took off his jacket and placed it neatly on the back of the couch, put the hat on top of it and straightened up. Met Matt's eyes and shrugged.

"I have cancer. It should be obvious that I may die, shouldn't it? But I didn't really get it until now." He spread his arms and walked a few paces away, then sat down on the side of the couch and leaned his elbows in his knees, hid his face in his hands. He wasn't looking at Matt and Matt stood in the same spot, aware of the car keys still in his hand and the door behind him left slightly ajar.

Kelly was not aware of any of this, his mind was someplace else.

"All this time, all those months, I was fighting this. Not cancer, but the idea of being sick. I tried to pretend nothing changed, I thought that if I keep living my life the way I used to, if I stay strong, if I keep my spirits up, keep believing that it will all end well and if I won't let the thought of dying get into my head – only then I'll be able to beat it. But that's not how it works, you know." He finally looked up but still didn't seem to register how ready Matt was to just walk out.

Matt didn't walk out, but he was close. If Kelly said that it was not worth fighting, or that he was giving up, or something like this, Matt wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. He didn't have the strength to do that anymore.

Kelly didn't say anything of the sort.

"Yesterday I was told that my body isn't taking chemotherapy too well," he said. "That chemotherapy is killing me."

"You can't quit taking chemo..." Matt choked out.

"No!" Kelly shook his head. "I don't intend to. But..." He hesitated several times, searching for the right words. "It kind of gives you the picture of... the scale... You know? It drives the point home, about how serious this is, if even the medication is such a bad thing. I mean, I have a break now, I have a week off and I should be glad, because it's such a respite. Maybe I'll feel a little better? But I don't really want that. Because it's a week now, but if it happens again, next time, I don't know... Maybe they will need to lower the dose? Or change the treatment plan, or something. And it's not just an inconvenience. The result will not just be more treatments or some other therapies, but... All this may not work. This plan, the one I'm on right now – it's been tested and it gives the best possible outcome. If my body isn't able to handle it – if it has to be reduced – the outcome..." He shook his head.

Matt didn't do anything. He didn't say anything. But he didn't walk out yet, either.

"So," Kelly picked up, "I'll have to change my attitude, I guess. April says attitude is important," he smirked to his own thoughts. "I'll have to take better care of myself, rest more, but not in that way where I just tried to pretend it was not happening. I have to accept what's happening, I have to face it, head on. This is the only way I can fight it, Matt, if I realize what I fight, what I fight for and what's gonna happen if I lose. Losing the job is not the worst that may happen."

Matt found himself moving, finally. He took those few steps that separated him from his friend and he sat next to him, still unable to speak. He patted Kelly's knee, car keys still held in his other fist.

Something did change in Kelly's head but even though it seemed to be for the worse, what with the thought of dying and all, it was actually for the better.

"I can't just wait it out," he said and smiled at Matt, and despite some evident sadness, there was also hope in his eyes. "I have to live through this."

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	19. Fire in the Hole

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** This chapter is kind of silly and probably not realistic at all, but... I figured y'all deserve something lighter for a change. Enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter Nineteen  
Fire in the Hole**

* * *

"Are you sure this is the best idea?" Gabby asked Matt as soon as Kelly got out of the car.

They just dropped him off at the hospital. Yesterday he had his blood tests done and – thankfully – his blood work had improved.

"Attitude, I told you," he'd beamed.

Now he planned to stay overnight after the treatment.

"He thinks it is the best. And I'm not going to argue." Matt's hard grip on the wheel contradicted his words. Gabby watched him for a moment, before she spoke again.

"I am home in the afternoon now. I could... you know..." Matt was driving her to the AI office, and then he would have his twenty-four hours shift. To be completely honest, she was glad that Kelly chose to have the hospital staff take care of him this time. She just had to say this.

Matt sighed. "Gabby, he wants it this way. And frankly, I agree with him. You are pregnant, you have to take care of yourself and the baby and I wouldn't be there to help. I'll pick him up in the morning. And the next couple of days are going to be rough too, don't worry." He looked at her and, of course, he was right.

She knew he was right.

They kissed at the parking lot before the AI building and Gabby went to her work. It wasn't an exciting job, she learned after only a few days. Mostly paperwork, occasional trip in the field. Suzie Wilder, the colleague from the next desk would spend more time on gossip than actual work. And, glaring at all the inconsistent, insufficient evidence that was neither pro, nor against arson, Gabby had to admit that gossip was much more interesting.

"Pace yourself," was what Commander Duffy – sorry, just Duffy – had told her on her first day. "You're not running into a burning building anymore."

And he was right too.

On the first day she wondered when she would begin to miss running into the burning buildings and on the second day she didn't have to wonder anymore. She missed it already. Six more months, she kept telling herself, give or take a few weeks. Six months and she could be back in the saddle. If she passed the physicals, of course. She wondered how soon after delivery she would be allowed to even try, two weeks? A month? And then, Matt would need to agree to take a few weeks off to take care of the newborn, because just leaving the little one with a complete stranger for a babysitter, it didn't sit well with Gabby. Provided of course that Matt was the baby's father. He could have not cared about paternity, but she cared. If he wasn't, how was she going to keep it a secret from him? Telenovela indeed, Sylvie was right.

"What's going on in that pretty head of yours?" Suzie came up and inquired with that foxy grin of hers. "Want to take a coffee break? We have a decaf, just for you," she sing-songed.

Gabby missed Sylvie.

* * *

Nausea started during the treatment this time. When the drip was finished, Kelly felt so tired he didn't think he could lift a finger but somehow he managed to transfer onto a wheelchair and then from the wheelchair onto a bed in the room where he was supposed to spend the night. Then, he managed to haul himself into the bathroom, where he threw up and later, to return to his bed. He didn't think he had so much strength.

He shared the room with two men – Gavin, in the next bed, closer to the window, had his leg amputated due to cancer in his foot, and had just had his first chemotherapy. He had allergic reaction so the doctors absolutely refused to let him go home on the first night. Stanley, in the bed opposite from Gavin, had pancreatic cancer and was undergoing a daily radiation therapy that he wasn't taking very well. He complained of pain and that those doctors knew nothing about proper pain management. Gavin kept telling him to shut up and Stanley kept cursing nurses and doctors and Gavin and Kelly as well.

He suddenly stopped after a brief visit from his brother. The two of them spoke for a few minutes, in hushed voices, the brother shaking his head, Stanley in a tone urging and bitter. Finally the brother muttered something like, "do what you want," and left the room.

Kelly would have wondered about all this if he had it in him to actually pay attention. Gavin asked, "What do you have there?"

"None of your business," replied Stanley and got up to open the window.

The day was warm, it was the end of June, so neither Gavin, nor Kelly had anything against some fresh air.

But then, Stanley closed the door to the room, sat on his bed and unwrapped the package left by his brother. Kelly watched him without any interest, but with a sinking feeling that he should pay attention. Stanley mixed and kneaded something, then put it in his mouth – Kelly couldn't see very well, as Stanley was turned with his back to him. But he saw when Stanley lit the match.

"What are you doing?" He lifted his head from the pillow.

"Idiot," muttered Gavin.

"None of your business," Stanley repeated, holding the cigarette between his teeth. He inhaled, then let the cloud of smoke out the window. "Marihuana. Helps for the pain."

"Nurses are gonna see," warned Gavin.

"Not if you don't tell." Stanley gave him a glare. "Been here long enough. I know how to hide from them. Besides, they sit in their cubicle most of the day and gossip. You have to call them time and time again to get any attention at all. Nobody comes here."

Kelly shook his head and said nothing. He maybe should have – after all, it was a fire risk and he knew all there was to know about fire risks. But he was not a firefighter here now. Besides he was too tired.

Unfortunately one of the nurses apparently didn't know that she was supposed to sit in her cubicle and gossip. She opened the door and walked in. Kelly didn't see what Stanley did, but there was some clatter and he was standing straight as a pole, glaring at the nurse with hate in his eyes.

"What?" he barked.

The nurse stared at him like a deer in the headlights. She was one of the young ones, one he had nagged earlier and obviously she was not comfortable around him.

"Came to check Mr. Severide's drip," she said and walked to Kelly's bed. "What's that smell?" she wondered. Kelly shrugged. She unhooked the bottle with saline and was about to hang a new one, but Kelly touched her hand.

The smell was distinct enough for Kelly to register it now, too.

Something was burning.

"Fuck you!" Gavin in the next bed panicked. "You idiot, you set us on fire!"

The garbage bin in the corner of the room, next to Stanley's bed, clearly smoked.

Stanley turned, squeaked and ran to the corridor. He came back right away with a fire extinguisher. The nurse, next to Kelly, froze. And Gavin tried to get out of his bed, forgot that he had one leg missing and fell like a peg, to the floor.

Kelly felt fog in his head clear up as if blown by the wind. Or rather a surge of adrenaline, he realized.

"Lisa!" He read the plaque on the nurse's chest, grabbed her arms and forced her to face him. When he knew he had her attention, he ordered, "Get Gavin out of here, wheelchair, haul him out, I don't care, just get him out, now! Then call 911." She moved, like he flipped a switch. "Stanley!" Stanley didn't react. He fought with the extinguisher's handle. Kelly got out of bed. "Come one, you have to get out!" He grabbed the man's arm, but that's when Stanley finally found the pin that secured the handle. He pulled it out, accidently elbowing Kelly right in his solar plexus, and pressed the handle.

As Kelly expected, the nozzle writhed like a snake and the recoil made Stanley drop the whole thing. The flames were already licking the shades.

Ignoring his hurting stomach, Kelly grabbed his colleague by the folds of his hospital gown and pulled him forcibly toward the door, into the hands of incoming nurses. He cast a glance behind. If anyone could do it, he could do it. Truck would be here in a couple of minutes, but he could save them some work.

Despite the nurse screaming at him from the corridor to get to safety, Kelly Severide returned inside the room, picked the red container from the floor, aimed the nozzle at the base of the flames and pressed the handle. He swept over the bin and what was left of the shades and surely enough, the fire was gone. It took all of ten seconds and the extinguisher was empty. He heard rapid footsteps behind his back, turned to see the orderly run into the room with another extinguisher.

"Not necessary," he said and only then realized his legs were shaking. "I could use some support though," he uttered and was caught right before his knees gave way.

And then the sprinklers finally opened and had them both wet from head to toe.

* * *

The call came early afternoon.

"Chicago Med? What the hell happened?" Herrmann voiced all of their worry. Hospital fires were difficult, there was a lot of people to evacuate, some of them could be in a state that made evacuation especially hazardous. Of course hospitals had automatic sprinklers and extinguishers at every corner and the personnel was usually trained for such events, but yearly-trainings didn't really give the same level of experience as professional work.

Truck eighty-one was on scene in less than four minutes. Casey inquired about the location of the fire and when he was told in was in oncology ward, his heart froze for a moment. They all rushed up.

But when he and his men got to the right floor, they found people laughing and talking and patting each-other's backs. A nurse came up to them.

"Turns out we had an actual firefighter as one of our patients today," she beamed.

"Severide." Casey said knowingly.

The nurse's eyes widened, but she nodded. "You know him? Want me to take you to him?"

"Sure. Herrmann, Otis, check the damage in the room where it burned. I'll go check up on our hero."

Another nurse just finished helping Kelly get changed and situated in his new accommodation. She left his bedside beaming like she was in love.

Casey came closer and took in Kelly's sheet-white face and hooded eyes. And a proud smile ghosting on his lips.

"You can't take a day off, seriously?" he joked.

Kelly's smile broadened while his eyes closed.

"But it was fun," he whispered. He took a couple of breaths then blinked a few times. "I feel great, Casey, really," he spoke in a voice half-a-tone louder. Casey shook his head – not to disagree, rather to express his general disbelief. Severide was impossible. "I am good. At least better than I'd at home – they pumped me full of those anti-emetic drugs." He chuckled and let his eyes drift closed again.

"And you had an adventure," Casey guessed and Kelly nodded, content and exhausted. "I'll want a full report tomorrow, at home, you got it?"

"You'll have it."

"Now get some rest. You've earned it."

To that Kelly did not respond. He simple drifted off to a well deserved sleep.

* * *

t.b.c.

Did you enjoy? :)


	20. Sail Through

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty**

**Sail Through**

* * *

Life at House Fifty-One seemed to gradually return to its normal rhythm, after the last few turbulent shifts. Of course tension was still palpable and the crew worry evident in the way they crowded around Lieutenant Casey at the beginning of each shift to ask for updates, or in the way they later talked and wondered and speculated. Gossip was unavoidable in circumstances such as those.

Boden especially observed the Squad guys, how they integrated, how they acted under their new leadership. Patterson was ambitious, driven but the Chief sensed some insecurity hidden deep beneath the façade of assertiveness. One day the new Captain tried to buy his subordinates' respect with pizza and an invitation for a beer on his boat – the next he drilled them without mercy. He was inconsistent, like he tried to be someone he was not. They still worked well under pressure but Boden attributed it more to their training than to Patterson's leadership.

The new Captain was in an extremely difficult situation, Boden had to give him that. He was dealing with it as best he could, but a firehouse was no place for pandering. Patterson had to establish his position and the men had to heed that. His men, as well as the Truck company, as Boden come to witness, eventually.

He hadn't seen how this clash started, but suddenly Patterson was in Casey's face. "Stop telling my men what to do!" He shouted.

"They are not your men!" Casey stood his ground and everyone knew what he meant by that. Those are my buddy's men and you're here only temporarily.

This couldn't go on.

"Casey!" Boden roared. "Stand down!"

The two leaders turned to glare at the Chief. Everyone turned, actually. The silence was so ideal, one could hear the rubber expand in the tires.

"My office. Now! Both of you!"

He did not wait for them to follow.

He didn't like what he was about to say, but some things needed to be said, no matter how much Casey – or Boden himself – hated to think about them. He walked around his desk but remained standing. The two leaders of his two companies stood at attention. How often had he seen Casey and Severide here, like this, after this or that argument. They'd had their differences. But one would give his life for the other. In action and, as it turned out, in everyday life too.

He couldn't afford the House not having that now, despite one of them being absent. Patterson had to fill in that space in all the aspects.

"The situation with Kelly Severide may have three outcomes," he started quietly, speaking mostly to Casey. "He may get well, which we are all hoping for and he may return to this House. Captain Patterson is well aware of that, I believe."

"Of course, sir." Patterson stood even straighter. "My assignment is temporary and I am prepared to relieve the position when my services aren't any more required." If there was a hint of bitterness in his voice, it was thoroughly concealed.

"But this may not happen and we must also be ready for that. Kelly Severide may die."Casey's lips twisted at this notion but he said nothing. "Or he may never recover enough to return to active duty. If that happens, I think we have the best man we could hope for, to replace Kelly, in Captain Patterson."

Casey nodded.

"But he needs out support." Boden added. "You can't, under any circumstances, undermine Captain Patterson's authority."

"I understand. And I am sorry." Casey turned to Patterson and extended his hand. He knew how crucial to their work – and sometimes to their very survival – was the cooperation between the companies.

"And Captain." Boden surprised them with continuation. They both thought that was it, that the dressing-down was over. But it wasn't. "Captain Patterson, you must firmly establish your position. No more batting around the bush, no more trying to emulate Severide's leadership style. You want to be one of them the way he is? That's good. That's great, but you achieve that by going through hell and high water with them, not by buying them pizza. It will happen, eventually. You want them to respect you? Same. You don't earn that by drilling them to the ground but by going through hell and high water together."

"Leaders lead from the front," Casey reminded a lesson Boden taught his Lieutenants from the get go. Lesson taught to him years and years ago by his Captain.

"Leaders lead from the front." The Chief nodded. "And be yourself. You're not Severide and they know it. You may respect him and that goes a long way toward earning their loyalty, but you gotta be Dallas Patterson."

"I am, Chief." Patterson nodded.

Finding the right balance between respect for his predecessor and establishing himself as a leader was tricky. But they couldn't afford making a mistake here.

* * *

If it wasn't for Sylvie, Gabby wasn't sure how she would survive the ordeal of having amnio and waiting for test results. She would have told Matt everything, that's for sure. And, as it turned out, the paternity thing was not all that important in light of all the other things she could learn.

The test might reveal some genetic disorders, Down syndrome, spina bifida or something else. And that thought was terrifying. What would she do, if her child turned out to be sick? Nothing – Gabby admitted eventually. Nothing other than what she would do anyway. She would give birth to this baby and she would raise her – she just learned that the baby was a girl – and she would love her just the same. She would only have to reevaluate her own life, her priorities, her dreams. And that was scary, because she really wanted to be who she was, she wanted to be a firefighter and an independent woman.

"Sometimes things happen that take us by surprise," Sylvie mused. She sat next to Gabby in the OB's waiting room. Other mothers in there looked at them sideways, probably wondering if they were a couple of lesbians. Gabby was tempted to ask Sylvie to play along and to kiss in front of all these women. That would stir things up. "Take Severide for example."

"What?" Gabby's head spun on its own volition.

"I mean, it took him by surprise, what happened to him, right? And you just have to adjust, whatever happens. Same with the baby. Whatever happens, it will surprise you, but you will adjust."

"Yeah." All thoughts of frolicking evaporated from Gabby's head, instead there was a lot of anger and worry in there now, again. "Severide's stuff sure puts things into perspective," she muttered with a nod.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Sylvie turned to her and grabbed her hand. A very pregnant woman on the chair opposite from them raised her eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that, like, to make a comparison, or anything," Sylvie babbled, completely unaware of the glares they were getting. "I'm just... still shocked, you know. The House is so different without him. I mean without you too, but... I don't even know what I'm talking about."

"Don't worry." Gabby cupped her cheek and whispered, "Now I'm going to kiss you, play along." Sylvie's eyes widened, but aside from a minute twitch, she did not withdraw and a moment later returned the kiss and then gently pulled away.

Gabby glanced at the mother opposite from them and was rather satisfied with curiosity and fascination in her eyes. She heard Sylvie's sigh next to her.

"Miss Dawson?" asked the nurse. "The doctor will see you now." Timing couldn't be better.

Gabby entered the doc's office with much more courage than she would have otherwise. To her relief her baby was healthy and Matt Casey was her baby's daddy. She wanted to dance and sing and call Matt right away, but of course she couldn't, because he didn't even know she took the test. Instead she hugged Sylvie as they were walking out of the office, not even thinking anymore about the curious pregnant woman in the waiting room.

"Yeah," Sylvie laughed when they walked out of the building. "So you made quite a show."

"I'm sorry. I hope I didn't scar you for life and we're still friends?" Gabby hooked her arm into Sylvie's. "No, seriously, I know I shouldn't have, but she was ogling us like we were some exhibit in a zoo. You can't even go to see your gynecologist with a friend anymore, and not have people judge you. What if we really were gay?"

"We would have kissed in front of her just to rub her nose in it."

"Just like we did!"

"Just like we did." They laughed at a great joke, happy with their friendship and things turning right with the world.

* * *

Everything was right with the world. Well, not everything perhaps, there were still things that could improve and by large, but Kelly felt strangely light about pretty much everything. He bounced back after his fourth chemo and since his body was not under the additional strain of one-sleepless-night-in-three – as it would be if he were on shift – toward the end of the cycle he actually felt stronger than in months. Being able to do everyday tasks by himself greatly improved his mood too. He did all the shopping for the three of them now and even tried his hand at some cooking – to Gabby's great dismay. But he would learn, he promised.

Matt said the guys were asking about him, but Kelly didn't quite want to visit the House yet. He didn't want to be tempted to come back, or to regret that he couldn't come back yet. But he did go to Molly's on a couple of occasions and laughed with Herrmann and Cruz and Capp like nothing changed. They cared, he could feel that and it mattered.

Katie kept in touch with him – because he slacked so bad earlier, now she took it upon herself and called him every afternoon, regularly, like clockwork. She was telling him all about the restaurant she worked at and her colleagues and the guy she had a crush on – but wasn't ready for anything more than secret platonic infatuation yet. Her life was good and it made Kelly sincerely happy.

He spoke with Erin too and was glad to find out she pulled her life back together. He met with April – they went for coffee a few times and didn't talk about sickness. Instead she told him some things about eastern philosophies she dabbled with somewhat. She dreamed of going out there – to India or China – to the source of that ancient knowledge. It was mind-opening and very riveting. She said she would love to take him on this trip, one day. No matter what.

Test results before Kelly's fifth chemo were acceptable and he spent the night at the hospital again to better counter the side effects. Even Prednisone didn't affect him as badly as usual , this time around. He had trouble sleeping, but at least he didn't run around the apartment like someone lit up his ass – as Gabby had called it previously. He slept through the sixth day, as usual, but all in all, things appeared quite hopeful.

Just one more round and then he would find out if it was all worth the hassle. And then, Kelly promised himself, he would let April take him on that trip to the other side of the world.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	21. Never Quite as It Seems

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** In case you thought the story was coming to an end... It's not. Not yet. There are a couple disasters left... (but there will be a happy ending, I swear)

* * *

**Chapter Twenty One**

**Never Quite as It Seems**

* * *

**_9:57_**

"Ambo 61, man in distress. South Edbrook Avenue 95 apartment 2."

"Casey? Isn't that your address?"

* * *

_**Six hours earlier.**_

There was a cellar with endless corridors, and a ladder, out of nowhere, so tall, so far above the floor and yet too short to reach the uppermost shelves and Gabby couldn't reach the bag Casey left for her, where he hid this secret... thing... they were supposed to leave at the precinct. Or was it the museum? And there was the underlying sense of dread throughout it all and Gabby knew it was about the baby. They had to get the secret to its destination, so their child could be born. The child's life hinged on her reaching the bag on the shelf that was too high.

Gabby woke up feeling her chest constrict and a sob escaped her. Tears spilled. She couldn't do it...

"Matt," she whispered. He had a shift in the morning and she shouldn't wake him, but she couldn't... "Matt, please."

"What is it?" he grunted, not quite conscious.

"Nothing. I had a bad dream."

"Come'ere." His big arm folded around her and pulled her close. "Sleep."

"What if there's something wrong?"

"Mhm. Sleep." He still wasn't all there and she really should just let it go, snuggle to him and find comfort in his warmth. But her emotions still ran high.

"I did the tests," she blurted. Sylvie would give her a glare if she knew. "I did the paternity test."

"You did what?" Matt lifted his head to look at her. In the dim light of the street lamp Gabby saw his eyes glisten.

"You are the father. So that's good, right?"

"Yeah, that's good," he sighed and let his head fall to the pillow.

"I'm sorry. Are you mad?"

"No. I'm not. And don't be." He pulled her even closer. "Actually it's good to know. It's a relief." He rubbed her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. "But why did you do it behind my back?"

"Because if the result was different – which I knew it wouldn't be, but still – I wouldn't tell you. I would have... I don't know what I would have done." She felt herself get tangled in all the maybes. One thing she knew. "You didn't want to do the test, so I didn't want to burden you with it. What with everything that's going on."

"You can burden me with anything." He mumbled. He was falling asleep again. "That's what I'm here for. I love you."

Of course. "Love you too. But I'm scared," she whispered in lower voice. "This dream. What if there's something wrong with the baby?" He did not answer.

She lay in silence for a while, listening to his even breathing. He needed his rest, Gabby understood that. The last couple of days were rough, Kelly only just started to recover after his fifth – next to last, thankfully – chemotherapy. Matt was tired. He said she could burden him with anything, but really, Gabby had no heart to do that, she would shoulder it on. His hug gave her strength, that was all she needed. Tomorrow morning she would go to see her OB doc, no matter how irrational her fears were. She needed to be certain her baby was safe and growing all right inside of her.

**_7:08_**

"Gabby, you ready?"

"Almost, yeah."

They were leaving for work. As usual Casey would drop Gabby off at Arson, then head to the House to get there half an hour before shift. Gabby had fallen asleep eventually, but the unpleasant sense of dread wouldn't leave her alone. Sometimes dreams did that – they dragged behind you through the day, until you fell asleep again and wiped them out with a new dream.

"You forgot your phone," Kelly stood at the kitchen counter with her phone in his hand. "You okay?"

"Yeah." She grabbed the phone. "Didn't sleep well." She looked up only briefly, didn't want him to see the lie in her eyes and to prod her about it, but then, against her earlier intent, she focused on his face. "Are you okay?" There was a small droplet of blood trickling from his nostril.

He reached up, glanced at his finger, flustered, then grabbed a tissue, wetted it with cold water and pressed against his nose.

Gabby followed him to the sink. "Did it happen before?"

"Did what happen?" Matt was at their heels right away. "You have a nose bleed? You should sit down, get..." He was even more flustered than Kelly.

"Easy, Matt." Gabby had to control the situation. "Kelly, is that the first time?"

"No," he muttered holding his nose, his voice muffled. "I had it at night, a little bit."

"Did you call your doctor?" Matt was in his face again and Gabby pushed her hand firmly against his chest, enforcing the gesture with a stare.

Kelly spread his arms, exasperated. "No! I didn't call him. It was the middle of the night."

"Call him now."

"I will."

"Now!"

Kelly shook his head and looked at the tissue, threw it away, took a fresh one. The bleeding seemed to stop.

"Okay, okay," he said to calm down panicked Casey. "I'm calling." He dialed the number, while Gabby and Matt glared between him and the big clock on the wall. "Busy." He hanged up eventually. "I'll call him later."

Matt looked at Gabby, as if looking for advice, then shook his head.

"You do that." He pointed an accusing finger at Kelly. "We gotta go, but I will check on you later."

Kelly puffed out and exasperated breath, shook his head and took to making himself breakfast. Gabby felt sorry for him. Overbearing Matthew Casey could drive the most patient person mad. Sometimes he treated his grown up friend like a seven-years-old irresponsible boy.

She understood that he worried though. "Give me a call when you hear from him," she told Matt as she was getting out of the car. "And try not to worry too much." Like he would listen.

She didn't tell him about her growing restlessness and her plan to go see a doctor, instead of working; he had enough on his plate and she didn't need hm to be overbearing toward her as well. She might retaliate. Suzie was a sweetheart and she agreed to cover for her today.

**_9:54_**

Kelly hadn't called. Matt arrived at the House, prepped for the shift, sat at the morning roll-call, then they had a fire to put out and when he finally had a moment, it was almost three hours later and there was no message from Kelly whatsoever.

He shouldn't have left him alone at home, this could have been something serious. Damn, why was this stupid, stubborn idiot always downplay his symptoms! Matt glared at his phone again and again and finally he couldn't wait any longer. Either the stupid idiot forgot, or he was in big trouble.

Matt found the contact on his phone and pressed "dial". Severide's stupid face winked at him from the display.

He picked up after the fifth ring.

"What did he say?" Casey asked without even trying to be polite.

"Who? What?" Kelly apparently tried to play dumb or he was more dumb than Matt pegged him for.

"Your doctor!" he seethed and added, in case Kelly somehow forgot, "About those nose bleeds. Did you call him at all?"

There was a moment of silence, then... "I fell asleep," a whispered guilty mumble on the other side. "But I am calling him now, okay?"

"You'd better. Then call me back."

Casey hanged up. He sighed from the bottom of his lungs. At least Kelly was alright. He was only massively moronic and negligent.

**_8:17_**

The nurse told her to come in to the office and wait, the doctor would be with her soon. She didn't say how long "soon" would last and Gabby was not a patient person. Three minutes in she started tapping her leg. Five minutes in, she stood up and started pacing the room. Eight minutes in she figured she was being paranoid, nothing was wrong with the baby and she should just leave. The doctor came in three seconds later.

"I'm sorry I kept you waiting."

"Oh, it's alright, I'm fine." Gabby lied, sitting back in the chair.

"So, what brings you here? I think we are not scheduled for another two weeks?"

"I don't know." Gabby shrugged. "It's probably nothing and I shouldn't make a big deal about all this, but... You'll think I'm silly."

"Try me." The doctor smiled with that look on her face that said, you have no idea what I heard in this office, young woman.

"I had a bad dream." The doctor nodded, still smiling. "It's irrational, I know, and I probably shouldn't take up your time..."

"Let's check it out." The doc cut in, not letting Gabby get on a tangent. "Get undressed and hop over there."

Gabby's fears proved to be quite founded, actually. The doctor scurried over the notes of Gabby's previous examinations, told her to lay still, asked her all kind of questions that made her head spin and her stomach crunch unpleasantly, before finally she announced, "Your cervix is too short and I'm afraid it started to dilate. And rather fast too, because there's no indication of that happening two weeks ago, so, waiting those another two weeks might be too long. It's good you came when you did. Now we can take certain precautions. First of all, you need to remain in a horizontal position and we need to get you to a hospital, where we'll take a closer look at the baby and think about the best solution. Would you like to call your husband?"

"Uh," Gabby faltered. Explaining that Matt was not her husband was too big a hassle right now and furthermore, explaining that he really didn't have the time now was even more problematic. She just shook her head, "No. I'll be fine on my own."

"Alright then, I'm getting you an ambulance."

_**9:57**_

"Ambo 61, man in distress. South Edbrook Avenue 95 apartment 2."

"Casey? Isn't that your address?"

"Kelly!... Chili, Brett, I'm coming with you! Herrmann, cover for me. Tell Boden!"

**9****_:56_**

He fell asleep on the couch, in the living room, in the middle of his breakfast. The tv was on some silly telenovela, scrambled eggs sat on the plate barely touched, tea was obviously cold.

No wonder Casey was pissed. How long has it been since he and Gabby left? Kelly was really going to call his doc as soon as he ate his breakfast, but he lay down for just a moment. He was more tired than usual and his chest felt strangely tight.

He should have called his doc sooner, he thought as he sat up and felt warmth on his upper lip. Even before he reached up he knew his fingers would come off red. Reached for a tissue with his other hand and a huge red splatter fell right in the center of his scrambled eggs. Then another one and another.

The bleeding was suddenly quite extensive. He feel dizzy and faint too. The tissue wasn't enough to hold all the blood... Shit... The room before his eyes swam and strange silvery dots framed his field of vision, reached with multiplied tentacles toward the center. When he grabbed his phone, he saw it from very, very far away. With stiff fingers he managed to dial...

"Nine-one-one what's your emergency."

"Uh..." Kelly couldn't formulate words. "I..." he only breathed into the phone.

"Can you give me your address, sir?" the dispatch asked.

This was specific. "South Edbrook..." Kelly breathed out. "Nine-five... apent two." He hoped he was intelligible enough

"South Edbrook Avenue 95 apartment 2?" Dispatch confirmed and Kelly nodded.

Then, "Yeah..." added just in case.

"Please stay on the line, I'm sending an ambulance."

"Blood..." he finally self-diagnosed. "Can't stop..."

**_9:07_**

Riding in an ambo as a patient was more annoying than unnerving. The most annoying part was the not-being-allowed-to get up. To sit up even.

"The pressure on your cervix makes it thinner and makes it open. We can't let that happen," the doctor had explained. "You have to remain flat on your back at least until we sew it up." The prospect was rather unpleasant. But if that was the only way to prevent premature labor... Right now Gabby would do anything to keep her baby safe. Unwanted tears prickled in her eyes.

She was brought into the ER, but mostly for the admission procedure. And also, as she was soon told by April Sexton, because OB was packed up – something to do with the full moon the other day, or something.

"We'll get you up there as soon as it clears." April gave her hand a heartfelt squeeze. "Meanwhile, I'll go get Dr Manning."

"I don't think I need to be checked by a Doc, do I?"

"It's not for checkup. Just wait."

A moment later April returned with a very pregnant young woman in Doctor's lab-coat. "This is Natalie, Natalie, meet Gabby. I thought you might want to exchange some diaper tips or whatnot. Nat, I promise to get you if we have a patient for you, so take a moment to relax." She winked at both of them and was gone.

"Gabby, hi!" Natalie had a nice smile. "I know you. You run that bar down in Bucktown where all the firefighters meet up, Molly's, right?"

"That I do." Gabby nodded, already feeling much more relaxed herself.

"I've been there a few times and I'm sure looking forward to visiting again. That is, after I'm done with breastfeeding, of course."

"It's gonna take some time, I bet."

"Oh, yeah. I do miss some beer though."

"Tell me about it!"

The two women quickly found common ground and shared gripes to whine about, as well as the same joys of being pregnant, the unexpected kicks and hopes for the future. Gabby knew she found a friend.

* * *

"Dispatch, this is Ambo 61, can you give me the status of the patient on South Edbrook?" Chili asked over the radio, mostly because Casey threatened that he would blow up the oxygen tank if she didn't. Well, he didn't really, but she read the urgency in his voice as a threat.

"Negative, 61. He barely said anything, gave the address and then something about blood and can't stop. That's all we have."

"Did he hang up or do you still have him on?" Casey cut in from the back seat.

"What was that?" Dispatch asked, alarmed.

"Lieutenant Casey, Firehouse Fifty-One. We have a reason to believe that's our colleague on the line. This is my home address, where he lives too and he didn't feel well this morning. I just want to know if he's conscious, can you patch us through to him?"

"I'll try, wait a moment."

"We're, like, two minutes out, Casey," Chili told him. "We'll be there soon."

"I'm sorry but he's not responding," Dispatch informed them. "But I can hear breathing over the phone, so there's that."

* * *

As they rolled in under the entrance, Casey jumped out of the Ambo before it even fully stopped. He run up the stairs four at a time and was a little winded when he reached the door. Only a little. He didn't hear his paramedic friends behind him, but he didn't wait anyway; they would show up, they simply had to grab their stuff.

Kelly lay on the floor next to the couch, the lower part of his face covered with blood. It was still seeping out of his nostrils – at least he had enough sense to lay on the side, so the blood wouldn't go straight to his lungs. Casey looked around for some tissues, rather helplessly.

"Step aside." Chili pushed him, her voice decisive. She held a gauze in her hand. "Brett, check his vitals and start an IV," she ordered, then, "Kelly, this is Chili, can you hear me? Kelly?" She pressed a fist against his sternum and he blinked several times, muttered something indiscernible. "I'm gonna try to stop the bleeding, I have to press the gauze against your nose, don't be afraid." She held the back of his head with one hand and pressed the bundle with the other. He budged, but only briefly, then went slack again. Chili held him like this for a few seconds.

Casey wanted to help but the only thing he came up with was moving the table away from both women, giving them more room to work. Brett nodded at him with a faint smile. "BP sixty-palp, tach one-twenty, thready," she recited.

"He's still bleeding," Chili said, "I'm gonna administer Thrombin." She rummaged in her bag and pulled out a syringe and the medication, started mixing the ingredients. "How's the IV coming? He needs fluids."

"I can't find a vein," Brett admitted under her breath and Casey saw that she was panicked. Her hands shook.

Chili snorted impatiently. "Try the other arm." They switched places, then Chili sucked the excess blood and applied the medication through the atomizer. "Got it?" She asked Brett and Sylvie muttered an inaudible 'no'. "Hold this." Chili pressed another bundle of gauze against Kelly's nose and guided Brett's hand there. She took to starting the IV herself.

Casey glimpsed Brett's face – she was crying.

"Hold the bag." Chili handed the saline over to Casey. "I'll go get the gurney. Brett, hey Brett! Check if the bleeding stops, but only a moment, then keep the gauze there either way. Or have Casey do that. You check his BP again before I'm back." She took off.

Kelly's blood pressure started rising and when they loaded him on the gurney it was up to ninety over sixty.

"Let's roll." Chili ordered.

* * *

The room upstairs was still not ready and Gabby spent her time in the ER being entertained by April or Natalie, and when neither of them could keep her company, she watched the action, or at least parts of it. Her room was situated in such way that she had a partially obscured view of the main entrance. Of course she had no idea what happened with the patients brought in after they were rolled out of her view, but at least she could look at the doctors and nurses swarming in to welcome each newcomer with unstoppable fervor and enthusiasm. Although perhaps enthusiasm was not exactly the correct word, perhaps it was the same dedication that pushed Gabby and all her friends at Fifty-One to run into burning buildings. The sense of responsibility, devotion...

Suddenly she made a double take. Was that Matt Casey she saw, or was it that her thinking about him made her see things? No, a moment later she saw Brett and Chili, and Sylvie appeared rather distraught, with Chilli's arm over her shoulders. Then there was Matt again.

Something happened.

"Do you need anything?" Natalie poked her head in the doorway. "Are you comfortable? My friend in OB promised that it's only going to be half an hour tops, so you need just a little more patience."

"I'm... good," Gabby hesitated, then motioned Natalie in. "Can you tell me who was just brought in?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't there. I don't know anything."

"But it... It wasn't a fireman, was it?"

Natalie walked to the door and peeked from away into one of the trauma rooms. "I don't think so, he's not in gear or anything. There is a fireman there though, he's talking to the paramedics who brought the patient in."

"That's... That's Matt. Matt Casey." Natalie gave her a questioning look and Gabby explained reluctantly, "The Daddy."

"Oh. Oh, do you want me to call him in?" Natalie was almost out the door. "I'll go get him."

"No! No, Natalie, no, he's got enough on his plate without worrying about me. I'm okay."

"Don't be silly. Trust me, you want the father of your child to be there for you." Natalie didn't wait for Gabby to protest any longer. She walked out of the room and, presumably, to bother Matthew Casey with Gabby's pregnancy trouble. Well, actually, she was probably right. Gabby did want him here.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	22. Pretend

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Um, that was a small hickup again, sorry for the delay - family stuff wasn't great and I had to be in three places at once for the past week-plus. Still should be, actually.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Two**

**Pretend**

* * *

The morning was starting slowly – slow enough that April had the time to check on Gabby and even chat for a few minutes every now and again. But the veteran nurse would never comment on that, well aware of the curse – if you said the day was slow, it would almost certainly turn into a disaster this very instant.

She didn't imagine though, that just thinking about it might bring on the curse.

Maggie, at the dispatch station, took the information about an incoming and gave April the look that sent chills down her spine.

"What?"

"Aren't you going to the cafeteria?" Maggie put on her best poker face. "You could get me that chocolate pudding, the one you were raving about the other day? Would you?"

Not good enough.

"Yeah?" April squinted at her friend. "No bullshit."

"Okay," Maggie sighed. "Fine. Doctor Halstead! We have an incoming, severe nosebleed, hypovolemic shock, chemotherapy complications."

April felt blood drain from her face.

"Maggie?"

"Yes, your friend." Maggie looked her in the eyes and handed her gloves. "His buddies, ambo 61 are bringing him in."

"Don't tell me he was at work."

"I do not know anything about that."

The emergency room buzzed with activity. The faint signal of the ambulance was discernible already and getting louder with each second. As did April's rapid heartbeat.

"Get ready people!" Halstead instituted his leadership as he looked at each of the faces around him. He had Maggie and April and three other nurses. Sarah Reese stood by too and Doctor Choi nodded at Halstead from the other end of the ER – he'd be around if needed.

"Trauma five is ready," Maggie announced.

"Maggie, pull up his latest results. We did G&amp;H?"

"Already checked, he's a B-neg."

"Prep blood and plasma."

Maggie looked pointedly at Julie, one of the younger nurses.

"On it." Julie ran off.

The ambulance came to a halt and paramedics rolled the gurney out and through the door.

"What have we got?"

Chili, the PIC, started to recite, Matt Casey trailing behind her like a lost puppy.

"Male, thirty four, nose bleed, now stopped after Thrombin-JMI. BP 60 palp on scene, resuscitated to 90 over 60, tach 120, thready, pulse ox 96, responds to voice but barely, POPTA. IV with saline in. No other meds."

They were inside trauma five by the time she finished.

"On my count," said Halstead, "one-two-three." April reached and grabbed the side of the sheet, pulled along with the others. She was on auto-pilot. "Get him on his back." Halstead leaned and shone the light in the patient's eyes. "Kelly? Can you hear me, Kelly?" The patient squinted faintly and turned away, muttering something incomprehensible. April was focused on hooking him up to the vital signs monitor.

"BP 90 over 60, pulse 100," she announced.

"How much blood did he lose?"

"Half a liter, maybe." The paramedic sounded unsure.

Halstead looked up at her. "This doesn't read like a hypovolemic shock."

Chili shrugged. The other paramedic, Brett, cut in, "He should be awake, his vitals are all better..."

Halstead shook his head. "Thanks guys, we got it from here."

It was a cue for April. "Come on, Sylvie, Chili," she gently pushed them out of the room. "Let us take care of him." Usually she had to do this with the family, not the Paramedics, but this situation was different.

Brett had tears in her eyes. "I couldn't get an IV in..." she muttered. Chili put an arm around her shoulders

"It happens." April could hear her talk as they walked away. "His veins are in ruin, he should have a central line by now, stubborn ass. Come on. Hey, it's alright, don't be a baby..."

* * *

"Gosh, I don't know what happened to me." Sylvie sat on the chair in the waiting room, her face in her hands. Chili went to fill out the forms.

Matt crouched next to Sylvie and patted her thigh. He didn't quite know what to say.

"I froze. I didn't know what to do. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before and I've been a paramedic for a long time."

"Don't worry about it. At least Chili kept her head cool, right? I was freaked out too."

"I'm sorry. I just hope he gets better."

Matt didn't say anything again, only squeezed her leg, in a faint attempt at reassurance.

"Matt Casey?" A female doctor asked and Matt jumped to his feet. He didn't see her with the other doctors working on Kelly, but maybe she had some news. "I'm Doctor... um, I'm Natalie Manning. Are you Gabby Dawson's..." she hesitated and Matt furrowed his brow.

"Fiance," he clarified. "Kind of. Boyfriend... maybe." His heart-beat sped up even before his mind caught up with all the implications. Gabby. Doctor. In Emergency Department...

"Okay. Well, she's here, if you'd want to see her?"

Matt's blood flowed out of his head and pooled somewhere around his feet. "What happened to her?" he wasn't sure if he said it or only mouthed.

"She's alright." The doctor rushed with a reassurance. Sylvie was right there too, gripping his elbow and keeping him vertical. He remembered how to breathe.

"Tell me."

"She's fine." The Doctor was suddenly very apologetic . "I didn't mean to scare you. The baby is fine too but there are some complications with the pregnancy and it looks that in order to keep it to term, Gabby will have to remain in bed for the rest of it. We'll help her as best we can and trust me, this is nothing unusual, or dangerous. They are both going to be fine, only somewhat uncomfortable. This may be a bit of a hassle for you and Gabby didn't want to tell you anything, but since you are here already... I kind of went over her wishes and decided to tell you. As her friend. I'm not her doctor at the moment."

Only now Matt noticed that the Doc was very much pregnant herself. And, of course, he would never blame her for telling him, he wanted to see Gabby, he wanted to be with Gabby.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

"Can I come too?" added Sylvie.

"Right this way."

Gabby's eyes were huge as saucers when the both of them entered the cubicle she was stuck in. Doctor Natalie Manning explained her situation as she led them there and she said she'd go check if the OB had that room ready for her.

"Who did you bring?" Gabby asked.

Matt hesitated. He didn't want to worry her, what with everything that she was just going through herself.

"It's Kelly." He decided not to lie. At least not entirely. "He had some nose-bleed, but it's under control now. Had to check him in though." He downplayed the severity of Kelly's condition. This at least he could do for Gabby. He held her hand in his and just stared into her eyes, glad that she was there, that their child was there and making an internal promise that he wouldn't let anything happen to either of them.

"Yeah," Sylvie added and Matt remembered that she was here too. To Matt's relief she played along. "He's gonna be fine. What about you, though? It sucks that you're gonna have to stay in bed for... How many more months?"

"Four of five? I'm not sure; it's twentieth week."

"Oh, poor you." Sylvie moved ahead and gave Gabby a tight squeeze. "You may count on me, whatever you need."

"Well, I'll certainly need a lot of visits from all of you, because staying at a hospital is going to suck balls."

Matt opened his mouth to protest – he wouldn't let her stay there, he would take her home! – but one look of those black eyes brought him to reality. Twenty-four-hours-long shifts every three days made it impossible to take care of a person confined to bed. Instead of speaking then, he just kissed Gabby's hand, trying not to let all the anguish he felt overwhelm him.

* * *

"He may be bleeding somewhere else." Halstead tried to make sense of the symptoms he was observing. "Maggie call MRI and get me ultrasound here." He leaned over the patient's face. This was just another patient – April tried to distance herself from it, she didn't even look, she didn't know. This was just another patient and she had to focus on her job. "Airway's clear, give him ten liters oxygen through mask, I'll need CBC differential, BMP and ABG, STAT. Pupils equal and reactive... Breath sounds normal... Abdomen appears soft..." The doctor examined all potential spots for internal bleeding. "Why isn't he regaining consciousness? Kelly! Kelly, open your eyes!"

There was a soft grunt from the patient. He tried, but wasn't strong enough.

"No response," commented Maggie as she rolled in the untrasound scanner.

Halstead shook his head. "He's responding alright, just not enough. We got you, Kelly." He reached for the head and put the gel on it, still talking to the patient. "We're gonna see if there's no bleeding in your abdomen, Kelly. You'll feel cold." He touched Kelly's skin and Kelly flinched. "Easy, easy now. See, he is reacting." He watched the screen biting his mouth and muttering things like, "There's nothing here," and "Where the hell are those blood tests?" and "What are his vitals?"

"BP still 90 over 60," April recited, "tach 100, pulse ox 97."

"Pulse ox may be false if he's anaemic. I need blood gas. Keep him on oxygen."

Julie ran into the room. "I got CBC, the rest will be up in a minute."

Halstead took the results from her hand impatiently, got one look at them and inhaled sharply. "Okay. This looks more like a septic shock if anything. Maggie, April, mask up, everybody else, leave, we have a compromised immune system here. Notify ICU, they need to prep the isolation room. What's his temp?"

"99,5." April felt lightheaded for the first time and she knew that was it, she was going to have to step away. They were reaching a diagnosis and it wasn't good.

"He's not febrile then," she heard Halstead's voice as if from a distance. "Prep the next unit of blood and cancel MRI for now. Let's get him to ICU."

She reached and touched the doctor's arm, "Will?" She needed to know more and she needed to know now.

One look at her face was enough for him to know he wasn't dealing with a nurse anymore, but with a distressed friend of his patient. "His hemoglobin is at seven," he explained calmly, "red cells at three, white cells less than a thousand."

"Oh god. He's got water in his veins." And she had water in her eyes. It stung.

"He needs extensive multi-organ assessment and sterile conditions. April..." She could tell he wanted to say something reassuring, like, 'he's going to be fine' or 'we'll take care of him', but she was not just some family member. She knew the odds.

* * *

Casey and the Ambo Sixty-One team had to return to the firehouse soon, but April promised to call with updates as soon as she'd have any. Entering the house, Matt made a mental exercise – leave all your trouble behind those door.

Of course nothing was ever easy, everyone at the House, from Boden to Borelli, wanted an update.

"Doctors are working on him, I'll get a call from April if anything changes. Now, we're at work, right Chief? We may have lives to save and we have to be ready to do that, so I'd rather talk to all of you after the shift."

"Casey is right," Boden boomed and no one discussed with his authority. "Get to your duties."

This was going to be a long day. Casey couldn't believe it wasn't even noon yet.

April called around noon.

"He's in a medically induced coma," she explained. "This way they hope to reduce the strain on his organs and help him heal. A couple hours more of such anemia and he would have gone into an irreversible organ failure. As it is, he should pull through, but he's not out of the woods yet. There's no infection, at least that is a blessing, but he's on respirator. It's impossible to say how long it will be."

Dawson called only a moment later, as if she sensed it – or maybe she was still in the ER and saw everything?

"I'm all settled and they're going to do that procedure in the afternoon, where they will saw the sack up, so the baby doesn't fall out. At least then I should be allowed to go to pee."

"That's good," Matt replied absentmindedly.

"Matthew Casey," Gabby said in a tone that made Matt immediately realize that he wasn't listening to her at all. "How is Kelly? And truth this time, because I can sense when you try to bullshit me."

"Gabby..." he hesitated.

"Truth. Now."

He told her everything. Of course he did, how could he ever hope to be able to lie to Gabby Dawson. And was he glad that he had her right now, that he could close the door to his office, sit down on the floor and just let the tears fall, holding the phone to his ear. She wasn't right here but he could almost feel her hand running up and down his back, up and down, up and down.

In the end she said the wisest thing, "You know you have to call Katie."

"Uh..." he had to think for a moment to remember who she meant. Oh, Severide's sister! "I didn't think about it."

"That's what you have me for. If you want, I may call her, just send me the number, because I'm not sure if I have it."

"Could you, really?"

"I'm on it, don't worry about anything."

A half an hour later Gabby sent him a message in which she said that Katie was going to hop on the first plane from New York, so she would be with Kelly earlier than Matt – even before the end of this shift.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	23. What It's Worth

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you all so much for your support, for still being interested and for such encouraging reviews. I'm sorry I don't respond to each of you individually, but RL is still draining me out. I hope it all settles down, maybe next week.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Three**

**What It's Worth**

* * *

The day was unbelievably long. And it was far from over yet, it wasn't even midnight. Casey couldn't sit in his office more than a few minutes; having exchanged a few sentences with the guys in the lounge he couldn't sit with them any longer either. He kept checking his phone for new messages and he was glad there wasn't any. As the old saying went – no news is a good news. He went outside, just to breathe some fresh air and be alone with his thoughts for a while, but he knew that he wouldn't stand being alone for too long just as well.

He stood leaning again the fence in the shadow in the far corner of the Firehouse grounds when he saw a male figure walking up the driveway. Familiar figure but he couldn't place the man for a few heartbeats. Only when his white, wavy hair were illuminated by the garage lamp, Casey recognized Benny Severide.

His heart sped up. Why did Benny come? Did he know?

Benny never noticed Matt and by the time Matt caught up with him he was already standing at the Squad table and eyeing Captain Patterson, who did nothing more offending than ask the visitor who he was.

"Benny Severide," Benny spat with more contempt than the situation warranted. "You?"

"Captain Dallas Patterson." Patterson smiled sympathetically and extended his hand. Benny only glared.

Casey had to intercept the situation before Benny could do or say something out of line.

"Hey, Benny." He approached with a broad, albeit fake smile. "What are you doing here?"

"Katie called me," Benny seethed through clenched teeth and Casey felt his smile fade away.

"Ah," he muttered. "So you know."

"Yeah, I know. About time, too! Why nobody told me sooner?"

"Kelly asked us not to."

Silence fell as Benny moved his lips soundlessly for a few seconds, emanating rage through every pore. As he started turning toward Patterson with obvious attempt to let it all out on the innocent man, Casey reached out and grabbed Benny's arm

"Come on, let's go to Boden's office, we'll be able to talk more private there." He practically forced the older man to move. "I don't know how much Katie told you," he started explaining as they entered the building, "but Kelly is at the hospital right now, because of complications after chemotherapy..."

"I know." Benny cut in. "She told me." Then he looked over his shoulder. "This Patterson guy... There's something iffy about him, don't you think?"

The sudden change of subject threw Casey off. "Uh." He wasn't sure how to react. "I don't know. But you'd better not say that in front of Boden," he half-joked, "he's Boden's friend and... Actually he's a decent firefighter." Some defense of his fellow House Fifty-One officer was mandatory.

"I don't like him." Older Severide shook his head. "He's too bossy. Does he know that he is only filling in?"

Not long ago Casey shared the sentiment. But he realized it was childish, since. Of course, Benny was in a whole different situation, he was the father who had been so proud of his son's achievements. This notion didn't sit well with Casey either, but he couldn't pinpoint why. And he couldn't really argue with Benny. Perhaps Boden would be better at this – they were already at the door to his office.

"Chief, can we talk for a minute?" Casey opened the door and indicated their guest.

"Benny!" Boden stood up, arms outstretched, a beaming smile on his face. "Hi, how are you doing?" But his eyes darted to Casey in a silent question.

Casey mouthed 'he knows', while Benny uttered in a still angry tone, "Would have been better, if... you know."

"Yes," Boden's smile faded just like Casey's had a minute ago. He extended his hand to Benny. "I'm really sorry about that."

"About what?" This time Benny took the offered hand and held it, pulled the Chief nearer and met his eyes with all the vitriol he felt. "That he's... sick, or that no one saw it fit to include the old man in on the news."

Casey sighed and Boden shook his head. He didn't give way though. "Benny, that was really none of our business. We respected Kelly's decision."

"Right." Benny let go of Chiefs hand. "Tell yourself that." He turned away so they couldn't see his face. He walked to the couch, hesitated, gave it a disgusted glare and didn't sit down. Instead he turned back to the Chief, his hands in his pockets. "That... fill-in guy, Patta-something, how well do you know him?"

Boden furrowed his brow. "Uh. He's, uh... He's a good firefighter. Worked really hard to get the reputation."

"No, I mean... You two friends?" Benny glanced over his arm.

Boden raised his eyebrows at Casey and Casey felt his ears burn. He spread his hands. Why was Benny attacking Patterson so stubbornly?

"We play poker together sometimes," Boden disclosed. "Why?"

"Poker buddy. I should have known."

"Benny, what are you?..."

"Listen, Boden." Benny took the few steps that separated him from Boden and jabbed his finger at the Chief's chest. "You'd better make sure your poker buddy knows that he's here only temporarily. Until my boy is back."

"Yes. Of course."

This was wrong. Casey realized why this was wrong. Benny didn't care about his son, apparently, only about his son's career.

"Kelly is fighting, by the way," he found himself saying, before he could control his mouth. "He's not out of the woods yet, but..."

"I know." Benny cut him off. "I know, he's a tough kid, he'll make it. You just make sure he has some place to come back to."

Casey felt even angrier but Boden put up his hand and replied, "We do, Benny. He's got a place here, at House 51, he always will..."

"He'd better."

"...provided he passes his physical."

Benny fell silent and pursed his lips, glaring at Boden with even more anger, if it was at all possible.

"Benny," Casey made another attempt to direct Benny's thoughts on the right track "do you want me to give you the directions to Med, or do you..."

"I know where Med is," Benny spat. "What do you mean, provided?" He glared up at Boden, nearly boiling inside. "He will pass those tests, damn it, like he did the first time! With flying colors! He doesn't need to pass any tests. You all know he's a damn good firefighter..."

"Benny." Casey tried to step between the two. "Did you come here to argue with us, or do you really want to see your son?"

"Casey..." Boden tried to intercept but Casey's anger flared up now too.

"No." He stopped the Chief without letting his eyes of Benny's for a second. He knew exactly what ticked him off in Benny's attitude. "The way I see it, you're doing exactly what Kelly was afraid you would do. You stir things up, and you argue about shit that's unimportant and out of your control anyway, and you do everything in your power to avoid the real responsibility." Benny didn't respond. He only glared at Matt and something cracked under all that angry façade. Casey pushed. "Go. See you son."

"Are you throwing me out?" Benny suddenly looked ten years older but he was still fighting against it, against the thought that his son was in a hospital.

Casey didn't feel any compassion for him. He kept pushing. "Do I have to? I am not right now, not yet, but I will, if you provoke me. Go, see your son. He may be dying out there. This may be your last chance. Go."

"You... don't mean that, do you?" He could swear he saw tears in Benny's eyes, but he blinked, darted a glance at the Chief. "He... he doesn't mean that?"

"I don't know." Boden spread his arms.

"I do." Casey confirmed the brutal truth. "Last I checked, they had him in a medically induced coma and on respirator, because they were afraid of multiple organ failure. He's fighting. And he could really use your support."

Benny pursed his lips, cast his eyes on the floor, considered and answer briefly, then stormed out of Boden's office without another word.

"You didn't have to..." Boden started but Casey was at the end of his rope.

"I did," he said and Chief knew him well enough to let it go.

* * *

April remembered Benny Severide from that scandal at school when they were in tenth grade. Well, she mostly remembered Kelly arguing with his dad, but later – not long ago, actually – she learned the real reason behind those arguments.

She had no idea Benny Severide had another child at the time. Of course she met Katie before, a few months ago, before Kelly got sick. And of course she could imagine Kelly hiding his true condition from his sister.

"He had told me not to come when he first told me he got sick, some two months ago." Katie told her now. "Then we talked almost every day. I would know if he was worse, I mean I knew that he was down, emotionally, for a while there, but then he seemed to actually be better, more hopeful, more reconciled with what was happening. And now this."

They stood in front of Kelly's isolation room, watching him through the glass. He didn't even know they were there, asleep, with a tube in his throat and machines monitoring every last symptom they could. They got to him in time, there were no symptoms of permanent organ damage when he was admitted to the hospital, but his blood still had a lot of room to improve and until it did, the risk of his body failing in one way or another was still very high. They had to wait, help him fight and hope for the best. It was good that Katie was here – April would make sure Kelly knew about it as soon as he'd wake up.

She rubbed the younger woman's back.

"Do you know..." Katie sniffed. "I called our father last night. He said he'd be here."

April's hand stopped. It was bound to come up.

"He was." She said.

"He was?" Katie turned to her, surprised. "And?"

April shook her head. She could say all she thought about Benny Severide, but she didn't need to add to Katie's burdens.

"He said Kelly never told him anything," Katie still seemed to believe in her father. "He wasn't sure if he should come, but I told him that it would mean a lot to Kelly. Was I wrong?"

How was she supposed to reply to that and not ruin the girl's image of Benny?

"Kelly didn't see him and we don't have to tell him that Benny knows. " She tried.

"Why?" It didn't work.

April took a deep breath. She had to try again, closer to the truth this time. "Look, I don't know what your relationship with Benny was like, but for Kelly... Let's say Benny was not the most reliable father. I understand why he didn't want him involved and... I saw exactly why, earlier today."

"What do you mean?"

"He came here, he looked at Kelly through the glass, he turned away and left. He saw me, I know that saw me and recognized me, but didn't even say 'hi!' much less asked about Kelly."

Katie wiped the tear from her cheek. "Yeah. I know," she admitted. "He was never good at hand-holding. But this must be hard for him, seeing Kelly like this."

Of course it was, but...

"Honestly? I don't care how hard it is for him." April wrapped her arm around Katie's shoulders. There's idealism and faith in parents and then, there's simple naivety. She couldn't let Katie worry about Benny now. Benny was on his own – that's what he chose. Katie chose otherwise. "It's hard for you too," April reminded, "and yet, you're here. I am here. So are all of Kelly's friends. He doesn't need Benny. And neither do you." April pulled Katie closer. "As far as I'm concerned, you may come and sleep at my place, or Matt Casey will have you. Whatever you want. We are Kelly's family. We'll be with him all the way."

"It's bad, isn't it?" Katie's attention was back on her brother.

"Yes." April admitted with sadness.

"You think he may die? Like, actually may not make it, may not even wake up?"

"There's that possibility, yes." She sighed. "He's fighting and we're doing all we can to help him. That's why he's on ventilator, to take the strain off his body, to let it only concentrate on getting better. He got transfusion, his bloodwork is a little better, but it's going to be tested again in the morning and then they'll make the decision on whether to give him more blood. Or if his vitals get worse again. Right now his BP is holding at a strong 110 over 70, it's good, his pulse has gone down to 70, so that's almost perfect. All tests they did, ekg, echo, renal tests, what have you, they all came back alright, there was a bit of a scare with his liver, and he was, of course, in altered state of consciousness, so there was a risk of brain damage, but it's stabilized now. The minor swelling in the brain was compensated with aggressive treatment. He's better, but he's going to stay in a coma for at least the next twenty-four hours."

"Can he hear us?"

"Not from here. And it's better that no one goes in right now, because of all the germs and stuff. His immune system is weakened as it is."

"But people need touch. Touch heals, I know."

"Katie. I go in every chance I get, promise."

"Thank you."

"Come here."

They hugged and stood outside the room for a long time, not even talking. Good thing was that April didn't have shift until the morning, she could stay here, outside Kelly's room, all night. And she so would. She could always have a shower in the locker room and ask her brother to get her a change of underwear from her place. She might need to catch some sleep before dawn, but she handled worse in her earliest days as a nurse. She would handle this too.

* * *

At eight in the morning the shift ended but there wouldn't be any time to rest for Matt Casey. He had to go to the hospital now, to visit his best friend and his girlfriend. And instead of moving, he simply sat on the bench in the locker room, in his regular clothes and ready in every way except for actually being ready.

"Hey Lieutenant?" He heard Herrmann's voice. "Can we do anything?" Of course, Herrmann, God-blessed, the best human being in the world Herrmann would not just walk out of the House and leave him alone with all this weighing him down. Herrmann would stay and ask how he could help and Casey felt warmth around his heart and he would have said he's fine, he would just shoulder it on, except...

Except when he looked up he saw all of them.

Herrmann, of course, front and center and next to him Mouch. Otis peeked out from behind Mouch's arm. Brett and Chili on Herrmann's other side, Borelli's dark, compassionate eyes and bashful smile. And then Cruz and Capp and Tony and Patterson, the whole Squad Three, with stern, stubborn faces.

"We figured we will set up some sitting schedule, or something, Lieutenant. Me and Mouch and Cruz will go in first, while you go home, have a shower and at least three hours of sleep. If you show up at the hospital before noon, you'll be knocked out," to accentuate Herrmann's words, Mouch punched his open palm with the other fist, his brow furrowed, "and driven right back home. But you can be later than noon – Borelli, Chili and Capp will come and change us at noon, then the others. We will take care of both, Gabby and Severide. And, we will have a talk with Lindsey, Antonio…"

"Trudy..."

"Yes, Trudy too. And April and others at Med. We've got it all covered, Lieutenant."

Casey looked at them and couldn't find words. Such feeling of familial closeness was more than he could ever hope for.

Boden replied for him.

"It's a great idea." He came out from behind everybody else, unnoticed earlier. "Can I join in?"

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	24. Almost There

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Four**

**Almost There**

* * *

Kelly spent two whole weeks at the hospital – forty-eight hours sedated into oblivion, ten days in the Intensive Care Unit – until his white cells count improved enough so he could be re-introduced to the general population. Herrmann and the team – including Katie – stayed true to their word. At least one person sat outside Severide's room at all times, separated by the glass door, but available to talk to through intercom, if Kelly wanted to hear another human's voice. He didn't talk much, from what the guys were telling Casey, but just the awareness of their presence made a difference. And they felt like they were doing something, even if it wasn't much.

Gabby was allowed to get out of bed for basic toilet purposes, but other than that she would be going out of her mind of boredom, if left alone for longer than a couple of hours, so the sitting-schedule was more for her benefit than Kelly's.

Either way, the whole House helping out with both of them kept Casey from going insane and that was the greatest help.

Tuesday morning after shift – it was August already, impossible how time flew – Casey came to finally take Kelly back home. Before that would happen though, he would have a talk with Kelly's oncologist, Doctor Callahan. Him and Katie, because she demanded to be included in all the information and decision making and general care for her big brother.

Being a good little sister, she resigned from partnership in her New York firm, found a job in Chicago and only a couple days prior had found an apartment too. Casey didn't ask, but he had a sinking suspicion that she moved in with Otis.

Right now she waited for Matt outside the doctor's office.

"I'm scared," she said.

"Me too," Matt agreed.

The Doc called them in fifteen minutes later.

"I asked you two here on a specific request from Kelly. We started talking yesterday about what steps need to be taken now and he said he," Callahan hesitated. "I mentioned a possible change in treatment plan and he said he couldn't talk about it right now. He was not ready to discuss anything and he wanted me to bring you guys up to speed, so when talking together later, he would feel... Well he believes it might help him and, frankly, I am glad he thinks so. It is important and beneficial to include the family. Besides I wanted to speak with you anyway, because there's a couple of things you need to know when taking a patient home. Such as that he's still very weak, his blood work is still on the low side and he's at a great risk of infection, so no exertion, no crowded places, a lot of rest and contacts kept to minimum are absolute requirements."

"We didn't expect otherwise," Katie chipped in, her voice light, half-joking. Tension in the room lowered a notch.

"Yes," Dr Callahan smiled at her, "that's the easy part. So, if we have that covered, I want to tell you what I started telling Kelly yesterday." He looked at each of them with a serious expression and Matt felt the tension return right back. "The term of Kelly's sixth – was supposed to be last – chemotherapy is this Thursday. But, obviously, due to his still low numbers, there's absolutely no possibility of that happening. Now, we don't have to make any binding decisions today. I will just give you a basic idea of the changes I want to introduce into Kelly's treatment plan and we'll meet again later, in a couple of days, with Kelly, and get to the conclusions then."

The doc shuffled some papers on his desk and pulled one. Placed it face up and smoothed some wrinkles.

"Right now we will give him medications stimulating his bone marrow to produce more blood cells. He's already getting them in fact. It doesn't mean that he will have chemotherapy next week though. It may not be enough. Or it may not be the right choice. The problem is that he had been through this procedure already, a couple of months ago. And now, it just happened again, so the risk of more severe complications is serious."

"Severe, how?" Katie asked.

"Severe, as in statistics of surviving another bout of his bloodwork plummeting like it did, are against him. I'm sorry to be blunt like this, but that's the risk."

Matt hid his face in his hands. He needed a moment, but the Doc kept talking. Apparently not all was lost yet.

"There are other options. I have spoken with my colleagues and we think that we should change Kelly's schedule entirely. Having taken into account all the risks involved, all the potential complications either right now, or in the future, it is my advice to pass over the last course of chemo and start him on six weeks of daily radiation, as early as Monday, if possible given his blood test results. Next Thursday at the latest."

Yes, it was a chance. But...

"He'll never agree to that," Matt sighed. He could well imagine Kelly's reaction to hearing the Doc tell him something like that. This was probably why they were having this conversation now, instead of Kelly yesterday.

"There isn't any other way?" Katie obviously had the same idea of her brother. She and Matt looked at each other with worry, then back at the Doctor.

"That's why I am discussing it with you." Dr Callahan confirmed Matt's suspicion. "You know him, you can gauge his reactions and preferences and you are more rational about this I hope, you can help him find the best solution. There are other ways, of course there are, I said we have options, plural. What I told you is the safest option, for the long term. But it's not necessarily the best." He gave them both a look, as if waiting for either of them to say something, to ask, or perhaps make a decision, but neither did this time. "We are not making any choices right now, that's not why I asked you here. I asked you to help me determine the short-term actions. This week-short." He sighed and changed the tone. Pulled out his notebook, the pen and hung it over an open page. "What do you say we postpone the conversation with Kelly until Monday? Right now the most important is that he rests and recovers, and stressing him would be a hindrance. I will schedule him for the tests on Monday – full tests I mean, not just blood, but CT, MRI, the full work-up, is that okay?"

Matt nodded and Katie muttered a "Yes, that's fine."

"Once we know where we stand, perhaps we'll have more space to navigate. I will present all the potential choices and their outcomes then and together we will reach a conclusion. He is on the road to recovery." The Doctor gave them a reassuring smile. "Even if it may take a little longer, he is getting better now."

As they were saying goodbye, Doctor Callahan asked them to keep the conversation between them until Monday, but not at all cost. Just, not volunteer any information if Kelly wouldn't ask.

Kelly did ask, of course. Not two days later he said Matt was acting weird and he demanded to know why.

"Am I that easy to read?" asked Matt. And then he related everything the doctor told him, adding his own suspicions and predictions. Kelly took it better than he had feared.

"I'm not going to make any assumptions until we know how well my body is recovering," he said. "It may all be good, come on! I feel better, I feel almost normal."

Perhaps it was naïve, but at least such mindset gave Kelly the strength to fight.

A day before his test however, when Casey was leaving for work, Kelly started to pace around the kitchen, as if he wanted to say something. He was clearly nervous and Casey finally had enough.

"What?" he snapped.

Kelly turned to him and inhaled sharply. "You think I can come by today? To the House I mean. I haven't been there in such a long time and I miss it. And the guys, I never had a chance to thank them for sticking with me back there." He waved his hand and suddenly lowered his face.

Matt was at a loss for words. "They don't need your gratitude," he muttered finally.

"But I need them to know I'm grateful," Kelly muttered back, then shook his head, waved his hand and headed for his room. "You go now, I'll come in later during the day," he added over his shoulder.

"Public transportation is not the best idea." Matt yelled to his retreating back and this time Kelly spun on his heel, mischief in his eyes.

"Are you kidding me? I'm itching to do some driving. I'll get Katie to ride shotgun, just in case."

Sure enough his Mustang rumbled in to the Firehouse around noon. And, as expected it was welcome with cheers and clapping and general happiness from everyone. The Squad tried to monopolize Severide but he wanted to say hi to the Chief first. Then they all sat in the lounge for a few minutes just talking and laughing. Katie kept close to Otis, but they didn't do anything that might make anyone suspicious. Well, maybe besides a few whispered comments, timid smiles and one discreet brush of hands that Casey noticed. Kelly didn't.

He stood up way before anyone expected him to. The call might come any moment and Casey guessed he wanted to avoid being left behind when they would all rush to work. He hesitated when passing the Squad table, there was a moment of awkward silence, then...

"Come on!" Patterson patted the big chair. "Sit down for a moment. This is still your place."

"No, it's not," Kelly replied looking straight at him. "You're doing a great job here and me... I don't even know if I'll ever get back here at all."

* * *

Kelly was determined. Casey might not like it if he knew what was going through his head and neither would Katie, but Kelly was determined to just end it once and for all. He would never agree for six more weeks of radiation or whatever the doctor was proposing. He would have chemo this Thursday, or next at the latest, he could agree to wait one more week, but that was it. He would be sick for a week after that, he might stay at the hospital, just like before, and then he would come back home and he'd be fine.

"Does Gabby have to stay at the hospital?" he asked when Casey was driving him off to the tests on Monday morning.

Casey glanced at him from under furrowed brow. "Her pregnancy is at a risk, so..."

"I know that. But couldn't she just lay in bed at home, instead of at the hospital? Would be more convenient for you and for her – certainly more comfortable to be at her own home. If there are no medical contradictions?"

Casey sighed. "The problem is that she needs someone to take care of her. She can't get out of bed, you know, so all the basic needs, food and stuff. And I still work 24/48, so I'm unavailable for a whole day out of thee."

"I am at home. I could help."

Casey only shook his head. He didn't speak for a few moments, only his knuckles on the wheel turned white.

"Look," Kelly tried again. "I'm fine now. I'm feeling better and, well, I know it all depends on what they'll tell me, but until I get treatments again – and we have no idea how soon or how late it may be – I can do as much as get her a glass of water. Because that's basically all she needs – for someone to get her food, something to drink or to read, or just to sit with her and talk for a little while. I can do all that. It's not like she's sick and needs some major caretaking."

"She's not sick, but you are."

"Not contagious."

"Not what I mean. You need help yourself."

"Only right after chemo." Kelly rubbed his face. Yes, it might be different if it was radiation, he read about side effects of that but that was also why he wasn't going to have radiotherapy. "Look, I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but who knows when I will be. It may be a couple of weeks before they will hook me back in and in the meantime, she doesn't have to be there, alone and bored. I could also use some distraction, you know."

Casey stayed silent again; he just glared at the road. Kelly said all he had to say, if there was no way to convince Casey, then so be it. He just wanted to think about something other than his... future.

"Maybe it's not such a bad idea." Casey finally concluded as they rolled onto the parking lot. "I'll talk to her. But... I'll do it after we know what's in store for you, right?"

Kelly sighed. "Right." It was better than nothing.

Tests took all day and at the end of it he was told to come back in the morning the next day. He took Katie this time. Casey was a little bummed over this, but Kelly didn't need his patronizing after all.

Doctor Callahan welcomed them with a good news.

"Your blood work looks surprisingly good," he announced. "You've got a strong organism and it recovers remarkably. Still, I can't agree with what you said yesterday," Kelly didn't hide his intentions, but Callahan refused to get into any discussions before he'd see all the results. Obviously they did not change his mind from the week before. "A full round of chemo right now would be too much of a risk."

"I can't..." Kelly started but the Doctor lifted his palm.

"Let me show you the options I think are viable. We may split the last dose in two, give you half now and another half in two weeks. We may finish it off with half a dose. Or we may give you three weeks of radiotherapy instead. Not six but three. It will be enough, considering we found no trace of cancer cells in your body right now."

"Why give any treatment at all then," Kelly asked, a new hope waking in his mind. Did that mean he was in remission already?

Callahan shook his head. "We might," his words contradicted the gesture. "Yes, we could just end it all now and hope for the best. But according to current medical knowledge, it would be taking a huge risk for the future. It is true that we might call it remission now, but the truth is, diagnostic tools we have are not perfect. We can only see so much, we can't say for sure that there isn't some stray single cancerous cell somewhere where we can't detect it. A cell that might eventually re-grow. Statistically, we know that six full courses of chemotherapy give the best possible outcome. Five courses are, statistically, not enough. The risk of a recurrent is distinctly bigger after five courses, than it is after six."

"But you don't want to give me the sixth course."

The Doctor gave him a disapproving look. "I do not recommend it," he corrected, "because of the reaction you had. Twice now. First, your neutrophiles dropped, and recently, you had a severe plunge all over the chart. That's how your body reacts and we can't ignore it."

"But I bounced back."

"It's not that simple. Third time it may kill you."

"But it may not. I just want to be done with it!"

They all sat silent for a moment and Kelly thought that perhaps he was too aggressive about it. But it was his choice, ultimately. It was his life, his risks.

"Kelly, please," Katie spoke for the first time, reminding him that, in truth, it wasn't. "Don't be stupid about this." He looked at her and saw that she had tears in her eyes.

The Doctor cleared his throat and inhaled. "Look, I see that it is essential for you to end it in the quickest possible manner. What I have to insist on, is to make it as safe as we can at the same time. Are you absolutely certain you wouldn't agree to radiotherapy?"

"If there is even a slightest possibility to just finish it this week, feel like crap for a couple of days and put it all behind, then that's what I want to take."

"Even if we don't know if you'll feel like crap for a couple of days or for a couple of weeks?"

"It won't be more than three weeks."

Eventually Doctor Callahan came up with a plan to give him a final check-up on Thursday – it would be a week after schedule – and having considered Kelly's results he reduced the dose of a few of the medications, those of the highest hematological toxicity. On one condition – Kelly agreed to stay at the hospital for a week after treatment, under close observation.

A week turned into two full weeks, because his anemia returned with vengence, but was fended off at an earlier phase this time. The doctor was very upset. Kelly was very relieved when he was let out home after everything settled.

"I don't have to come back here?" he made sure in a voice he barely recognized himself.

"Not for three months. At which time we will give you a full round of diagnostics again and then three months after and another three months after – up to a year. Then the tests should be less frequent."

Once back home Kelly made Matt promise that he would get Gabby back here right away. Matt finally said okay to this idea another week later, when Kelly's strength begun to return. He was right, during the first week he was the one who needed someone to get him a glass of water and he wouldn't be of much use to Gabby. Nonetheless she still had around three months to go till the end of her pregnancy, so she was quite happy to spend those months in her own bed for a change. And Kelly wasn't lying when he told Matt he needed something to occupy his mind with.

* * *

t.b.c.

Thank you for reading. :)


	25. Eleutheria

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

* * *

**A/N: **Okay folks, here comes the last chapter. Thank you all for reading. Those of you who found time to leave me your thoughts on the story – I send fierce, heartfelt virtual ***HUGS***. I may write for myself, but sharing it on the internet means I want to... share, you know... And sharing means knowing what you, the readers think. It's very important to me and I really appreciate each and every comment. You made this journey worthwhile.

I hope you enjoy what's left of the story.

* * *

**Chapter Twenty Five**

_**Eleutheria**_

* * *

She tried, she really, really tried.

But Gabriela Dawson was never a very patient person and more often than not she blew up her frustrations on poor, undeserving Kelly Severide.

He took too long bringing her sandwich. He brought her tea that was too hot or coffee that was too cold. Or had no caffeine in it, that was a constant gripe.

"You can't have caffeine, you're pregnant," he'd tell her with unyielding patience and she would curse him and tell him he had no compassion at all.

He would laugh it off in a good spirited manner. And she would apologize profusely later, often shedding lots of tears. He understood. He would say that when one goes through hell and back, small glitches do nothing.

"Where's my juice?" she yelled one morning, having forgotten yesterday's apology session, because how much trouble was it to pour some fluid from a box, seriously? "Kellyyyy!"

He came in, his hands empty and she was about to rebuke him again, when she saw his face. Half terrified, half disbelieving, with a small glint of... was it happiness? ... in his eyes.

"What?" she mouthed.

"Give me your hand." He requested under his breath and sat on the edge of the bed next to her. Took her palm and guided it to his scalp. "Feel?"

She felt. A small itching under her fingertips, so delicate it was almost imperceptible.

"Do they grow back?"

"They do," Gabby confirmed, "they grow back!" She laughed. And then they hugged and laughed some more and Gabby forgot all about her orange juice, she was so happy, because her friend was getting better and he'd fought a horrible war, but he won, he beat up the enemy and he was finally fine. He was really, really fine.

* * *

Kelly was fine. Now all he had to do was get back to his previous physical form.

He wanted to get back to work, no matter how impossible it seemed. He would still get winded when he was climbing the stairs with a heavy bag of groceries. He was still exhausted after a full day of chores. His blood work just didn't want to return to normal, and it seemed like borderline anemia might be his permanent state for a while, if not for good. One day of bad weather and forgotten scarf resulted in three days in bed with temperature so high Gabby wanted to call an ambulance. April came instead, applied antibiotics and told them to wait. And wait again. And then the temperature dropped but he was weak like a newborn baby for six days after.

Katie had to come and do the groceries then, and dinner for both Kelly and Gabby and laundry and she was an angel. She officially moved in with Otis. Kelly wasn't sure if he was okay with that.

Kelly's hair grew back, but they were completely white now. He thought about dying them black, but Gabby said he would look silly with white roots after a couple weeks, so he just figured he'd be fashionable this way.

Only Matt felt odd in this arrangement, because suddenly Gabby and Kelly shared jokes that did not include him, Kelly knew better what Gabby needed and when, and Gabby only talked about "Kelly this and Kelly that."

"Don't worry, I'll move out as soon as your babygirl is born," Kelly assured him one evening when he noticed Matt's barely concealed jealousy. "I know it's all weird and everything, but we make it work, it's better for everybody and you can trust me."

"I know I can. And I do. I just... I don't know why I acted this way, I shouldn't have."

"You can redeem yourself."

"Yeah? How?"

Kelly hesitated. He had been thinking about it for a while now but thought it would take a bit more courage to just place that request. Now, as the opportunity presented itself, his heart started beating faster. What did he have to lose?

"Come with me to the Academy next week. I want to try my luck at obstacle course."

Of course Matt reacted exactly the way Kelly feared he would. "Are you out of your mind?" he exclaimed.

"Yeah," Kelly sighed. "I may be a little bit out of my mind. But I don't want to take it later and fail in front of everybody. I want only you to witness my first attempt, okay? I'll talk to Chief Tiberg and I'm sure he'll let us sneak in after hours one evening."

"What about medical clearance, do you even have a chance to get it?" Matt was faltering.

"My blood work is improving. I'm actually within the norm already. On the low side, but some parameters are within the norm. Come on, it's almost been two months!"

"Why don't you wait another month?" Matt said, but it was already obvious he would help. He just wanted to keep up appearances.

"I will wait at least another month," Kelly smirked. "With the actual attempt at physical. But I want to see how far off I am now."

"Okay," Matt sighed. "Give Tiberg a call and if he greenlights it – we'll do it."

* * *

It had been exactly ten weeks since Kelly's last chemotherapy when he and Casey stood on the training field of the Firefighter Academy, Kelly in full gear and Casey holding a timer.

"You set?"

"Yeah!" Kelly grunted.

"Go!"

The first exercise on the course was attaching the hose to the hydrant and securing the water flow. Easy, but in the heavy firefighter gear it took some effort. Half a year ago all this stuff, the pants, jacket, oxygen bottles, it felt, maybe not like a second skin, because it was way too heavy, but Kelly was more or less comfortable in it. Now he begun to sweat as he picked up the hose and started to run up the stairs. Four flights, half-way through third he was so winded he had to slow down. Then the smoke chamber. His hands were shaking when he put on the mask and he briefly considered quitting. Perhaps this was all too early.

He should have quit.

There was no smoke in there, he wasn't doing the course for real, and yet, inside the chamber Kelly felt disoriented. It often happened to the recruits who lacked experience, didn't know how to regulate the oxygen flow. For Kelly that was not a problem, it was instinct. He knew the route too, he helped design it. All the traps and pitfalls and obstacles held no secrets before an experienced firefighter.

And yet, he got lost. The oxygen bottle wedged itself between some rods and Kelly Severide got stuck. He felt panic creep on him and he tried to reason with it. There was no real danger, it was just a trial. He knew his way out of it, he had all the tools he needed – experience, knowledge... and here's where panic took over, because he lacked the last component – he lacked strength. And knowledge and experience told him that without it, if it was a real thing, he wouldn't have gotten out of it alive.

Kelly banged on the metal wall of the chamber, then banged again and again and again, until he felt hands on him, someone taking off his mask, unhooking the oxygen bottle keeping him in place.

"Easy, easy now," a voice spoke. "Breathe."

Casey.

"Fuck..." Kelly breathed out.

"I know. Kelly, you're fine. You did fine."

"Fuck you..."

"All things considered."

"Fuck you with a stick."

Casey shut up. They sat for a moment, glaring at each other. Then Casey shrugged.

"Come on, man. Give yourself more time. Half a year, a year maybe."

"No."

"Kelly."

"No." Kelly made up his mind. He knew what this trial was supposed to serve and he got just the answer he needed. "There's no point waiting a year on something that may never happen. On something that will most likely not happen. I knew it coming in, you know. That's why I wanted to take it with just you. If I'd finish it, I'd give myself a couple more months and try it for real, hoping that I might finish it _in time_ to qualify. But I didn't even _finish_. Frankly, I expected such outcome on some subconscious level. And I know what it means. I'm calling Duffy tomorrow and I'll take Gabby's position at Arson. She doesn't want to go back there anyway."

"True," Matt laughed. "She'd rather go back on Ambo."

"Yeah. So. It's pretty obvious. And, Matt, really, I'm okay with this. I'm alive. I may not be a firefighter, but I am a fighter and I have a certificate of that."

"You sure do, buddy, you sure do."

* * *

"I'm done! Okay? I'm done with both of you!" Gabby was in one of her bad moods again and Kelly knew better than to argue.

Sylvie didn't.

"You shouldn't be up again," she chastised.

Kelly eavesdropped from the kitchen and he could just imagine Gabby's glare.

She took a moment, then seethed, "I am allowed to take a pee if I need to!"

"But you've just been to the toilet, like fifteen minutes ago."

"So now you're counting? This damn sack of uterus is pressing on my bladder. I have to pee often. Or do you want a more graphic description?"

Gabby shuffled out of the room. One look from her and a finger raised up had him lift both his hands in surrender. He wouldn't say a word, pinkie promise. Instead, he peeked into the room. Sylvie sat on the edge of the armchair, palms laced between her knees, head bowed. When she heard him, she looked up, lips set, eyes clouded.

Kelly pushed the door closed and came to sit opposite from her, on the bed.

"Let her make her own decisions. She's an adult and she hears enough of that from her doctors."

"How do you handle this? And the way she talked to you earlier... Is she always like that?"

"She apologizes five times a day now. Look, I get it. It's Gabby, she's one of the most active people I know. This bed-rest thing is really hard on her."

"Still, basic human decency..."

"We're long past that." He chuckled. "And believe me, she had done the same for me and more. It's no big deal and I'm actually glad that I can repay some of that debt."

Sylvie sighed.

"Yeah. I heard you're not coming back to the House?" she changed the subject.

Kelly nodded. He searched his heart for sadness and regret and didn't really find any. "Nope, I'm not coming back." He looked up at Sylvie with a smile that surprised even him. "It has been decided. I could maybe wait a few months, try to get medical clearance, pass the physical. Maybe. Maybe I wouldn't even get medical. There's no point planning, hoping. Look, a few years back I thought firefighting was all I ever wanted to do. Now... I guess I want to figure out myself again. Find another purpose. It's actually... Liberating, in a way, you know."

"It sounds... almost poetic."

"Don't laugh."

"Am I laughing? I'm smiling. I'm... I'm happy for you Kelly." She touched his palm, then took her hand away, awkwardly.

Before Kelly had a chance to figure out what that meant, they heard a scream from the bathroom. Gabby was crying a very frightened, desperate, "No! No-no-no-no-no..."

Sylvie was in the bathroom first. "What is it? What happened?" she breathed out, rooted in the doorway, gaping at Gabby's bare legs and a liquid mixed with blood dripping down the inside of her thighs.

"It's..." Gabby sobbed. "It's not... It is..."

"Sylvie." Kelly grabbed one of Sylvie's arms and gently pushed her out of the way. She glared up at him, completely frozen, but he didn't have time for her. "Gabby, you need to lay down. Are you sure this is your waters?"

Gabby nodded furiously, as she slid down to a vertical position. "And I think I'm having contractions. I thought I wanted to pee, but it was really that, you know? All day today, since the morning. I was having contractions, only I didn't know what it was."

"Maybe not, maybe you're wrong. Easy, easy now. Sylvie," Kelly turned to the paramedic they had on hand. "What should we do? What do we do in a situation like this?"

But Sylvie shook her head."I'll call an ambulance, Kelly."

Paramedics came quick and only after they left with Gabby, Kelly searched for Sylvie. He found her in the kitchen, staring at the counter.

"What happened?" He asked. He wasn't angry exactly, but she should have done something, instead she just chickened out of it. Alright, he was angry.

"I'm sorry." She looked up at him but there wasn't any guilt or regret in her eyes. Only sadness.

"I don't understand," he told her. " I mean..." He tried to not sound accusing, but the words just came rushing out. "Come on, you've been in a thousand critical situations, you know what to do, you never lose your cool. Why did you lose it now?"

"I didn't lose my cool, Kelly," Sylvie replied simply. "I just can't be a paramedic for the people I care about. Some people can; not me. I can't turn off those emotions." He looked at her and thought that maybe he was wrong. Maybe he couldn't demand of her things that were too difficult to handle. "Friend, I can be," Sylvie added after a minute of silence. "In fact," she waved the phone she held in her hand, "I just left a message for Matt. Tried calling him but it goes straight to voicemail. And we should probably go to be there with Gabby. We are her friends and she's going to need us there, as friends."

"Yes, but..." Kelly started and hesitated. No. She was right, saving people required a certain level of detatchment and when it was someone important to you, being detached felt odd. It was actually a very human thing, that she still let herself care so much, that she coulnd't access this unfeeling part of her brain.

Sylvie neared him and looked up, uncertain if she should speak up. She decided to give him a full disclosure.

"I realized that about myself with you, actually," she whispered and patted his arm as she passed by him to head for the door. "Let's go to Gabbby."

He followed her without another word and without any more resentment.

* * *

The twenty three minutes it took Matt to get to the hospital, since the moment he received Sylvie's message –which was already a couple hours after it was sent – were the longest in his life. He's been through a lot of bad things, he'd been injured, uncertain about his own future, his own life. He'd lost a woman he loved, he'd lost his father and had his mother bear the punishment. He'd helped his best friend battle for his life.

But this. Knowing that his child might be at risk, that she might die too... It was the worst.

It was too early, it was only thirty third week. She was too small, too fragile to come to this world. When he came into the hospital, the smallest baby he'd ever seen was already in the incubator. Gabby sat next to the transparent cube containing their daughter, her finger stroking the smallest fist. She appeared exhausted and distraught.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"For what?"

"If I stayed in bed more. If I recognized those contractions for what they were..."

"Gabby." Matt wrapped his arm around her. "Gabby, stop. It's not your fault, it's biology. Sometimes those things happen. Please, stop." He hugged her and she cried silently for a while.

"She's not thin for her age," Gabby said finally, after a few minutes, wiping her face. He handed her a tissue. "The doctors say she may still be alright, you know. Many children are born prematurely and most of them grow up just fine, especially if they have good weight. They catch up with their peers within a year. She may be alright."

"I'm sure she will be. She's your daughter and I don't think I met a more stubborn, a more fierce fighter than you are."

"Or maybe it's because I didn't want her at first..."

"Gabby, please..."

"I know. I know, I'm sorry. Positive thoughts, I will think positive thoughts."

Matt held her again, even tighter. "Gabriela Dawson, will you finally marry me?"

* * *

t.b.c.

Yeah, okay, I kind of lied. It was the last chapter but... I still have an epilogue. :)


	26. Epilogue

**All Men Are Afraid in Battle-**

_The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty  
_**~ George S. Patton**

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**Epilogue**

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_Three months later_

Fancy dinners were not Kelly's forte. He felt awkward in a suit and he was never sure what to say. Especially on an occasion like this. Katie came up to him and fixed his tie.

"Are you nervous?" she asked incredulously.

"Shouldn't I be?"

She laughed. "You're unbelievable!"

She walked away to the man waiting for her at the entrance to the main room of "Saffron" Restaurant and Kelly knew exactly what he – maybe shouldn't – but certainly wanted to do. He wanted to punch Brian Zvonechek in the face.

Brian Zvonechek proposed to his little sister.

And Katie said yes.

And now they invited the whole Firehouse Fifty One, half of Emergency Department of Chicago Med and most of the Intelligence Unit of Precinct Thirty One, as well as Katie's buddies from New York and of course her partners at the Saffron, to this little happy get-together.

No, seriously Kelly would not punch Otis in the face. The man had literal hearts in his eyes when he looked at his sister and she was radiant with joy. They were good for each other and he was happy for them. It just stressed him out that she was moving on so fast, is all.

"Katie looks lovely," a familiar voice said from behind Kelly's back and he turned to see his best friend.

Matt looked handsome as ever in his suit, even though he had a nappy wrapped on one arm and the sweetest ball of joy sleeping peacefully in the crook of his elbow. Leslie was still so small, but she was catching up to other children born in term. Gabby made sure uncle Kelly was up to date with all the developmental milestones of her perfect daughter.

Gabriela herself looked stunning. Used to her tired looks, Kelly was all the more enchanted by her fresh make-up and tight-fitting dress.

"Daddy taking care of the little one for a couple hours can make wonders," she laughed when he complemented her. "Maybe we should make it permanent?" she slapped Matt's arm – the other one from Leslie, she wouldn't wake up the little angel – Leslie would turn into a literal beast from Hell if woken at the wrong moment.

"I thought you weren't coming back to the Firehouse yet?" Matt furrowed his brow.

"Naah, three months with the baby is not enough. But soon, Matthew, soon."

Matt kissed his daughter's forehead. He had told Kelly in secret, that he just couldn't wait when Gabby would give it a go and they would switch roles as stay-at-home parents.

The party was slowly starting when the one person Kelly waited for finally appeared in the doorway. Sylvie Brett, when she dressed to impress, she took his breath away. He looked at her and couldn't contain his admiration.

Before he could go to her and welcome her though, Gabby found herself in his way.

"Oh, Sylvie, glad you're here." She turned to Kelly. "And you. Me and Matt have a request. I have spoken to Katie and she's okay with us announcing the date of our wedding today, with everyone present, and you know that Antonio and Matt's sister are going to be the bridesmaid and best man, respectively. Or, the other way around. Anyway, we wanted the two of you to be Leslie's godparents. I know it's kind of obvious, but me and Matt have never said it officially, so, I'm asking now. Will you agree?"

Kelly beamed as he looked at Sylvie. She beamed too, extended her hand and intertwined her fingers with his. Gabby's eyes went wide.

"Oh, don't tell me... Is this serious?"

"I don't know if it's serious," Kelly said and winked at Sylvie. "It's only our second date."

"But who knows?" Sylvie winked back. "And of course we agree. Officially."

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the .end

**A/N:** It's really over now. Only it isn't right? Some stories are only just beginning and even though I won't be telling them, they will be good ones, I'm sure. Happy, sometimes probably sad, maybe there will be anger, issues, doubts, but most of all there will be love and friendship, that much is a given with those characters. :)

Thank you again for reading, and thank you so much for leaving reviews, for letting me feel your love. Keep being fantastic, Chicago Fire fandom. *HUUUUUUGS*


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